Negative Nancy

I almost always avoid sharing the negative as I consider myself a positive person. Let's face it though, negative stuff goes on, feelings, situations, it's all a part of the real deal.  I loathe pitty. I just want someone to read what I have shared and be able to relate to it in some form.

It has always been acceptable to share the LML moments. "I love my life, look at the great time we had this weekend", "Look at this cute shit I'm doing with my kids", "Look at my organic food, only the best for my family". It is all perfectly OK, and I've done all of the above, but I feel like I just can't see anymore. I need a break from all of the seeing. Not that I don't enjoy seeing some of them, but I just see too much. I get the strong desire to get off the grid, why is that so hard? It feels like some huge decision, and that in itself is kind of funny.

I am at my limit. I was sure I had been here before, but I was wrong. I am here now and I can handle no more. I guess I probably could but, I will become increasingly unpleasant.

I am making a conscious effort in being aware and in the now and right now I feel fragile and on the verge of breaking. This doesn't mean that I don't smile or that I'm not making enjoyable memories with family and friends. It means that I'm not feeling put together, I'm feeling a little broken.  I do believe we have to feel our feelings to get through them so bring it on.

I need to care for myself. I need time alone and I need to do small things for myself. I need some quiet.

I don't sleep well. I'm not eating well. I'm not being productive (productivity makes me thrive) and I can't catch up. All the muscles in my face get so tight and my jaw is clenched and I can't seem to relax. 

I'm back to yelling too much, eating too much, and I'm tired and sore.

I can't catch up on sleep, can't catch up the housework, can't catch up the bills, so what is it that I'm doing? Eating, yelling and stressing.  

This hip surgery has landed me in a ditch. I would climb on out but my hip is broken! There are positives to the surgery too, but it has simply been rough.

After 5 months I can now get around well, but I get so sore! It is wearing and frustrating! I have kids to care for, one of them is an extremely busy, almost 3 year old. I can't just go go go all day like I did before. I can't drive more than 15 minutes without being in severe pain, I can't run after my kid when he decides to book it.  I cannot get a good nights sleep with this metal in my leg. If I move around too much, I wake up in pain. If I lay still for too long, I wake up in tears. I sleep like shit and it's showing.

I'm glad the holidays are over! I don't care for the build up and the pressure to spend money and do all these holiday "things", and "be here" and "do this". No thanks! I enjoy doing the little things for my kids, like decorating the tree, looking at lights, and Christmas breakfast. Other than that I have grown tired of accommodating what anybody else wants. Bah humbug.

School starts again Monday. Three weeks of break, being mostly stuck at home was a little much. Some normal routine should do us all some good. I love them to tiny pieces, but they are driving me nuts. Yes, I can say that BECAUSE I love them so much.

So yay to school, yay to a holiday end, and yay to change.