Quickie Blog Post: The Dead Dads Club

I will never forget a scene from an episode of Grey's Anatomy I saw several years ago.  Hearing this short dialogue between two of the main characters was the first time I felt understood since my dad had died.  I knew then that other people knew how I felt.  Now, of course I know millions of people have lost their fathers, but I didn't have peers who had been through my experience, it felt isolating, among other things.

Christina:  "There's a club.  The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it.  You can try to understand, you can sympathize.  But until you feel that loss...My dad died when I was nine.  George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."

George:  "I...I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."

Christina:  "Yeah, that never really changes."

Who ever wrote this part of that episode had to have been in The Dead Dads Club.  I could not believe how well it related to how I felt. I had said shorty after he died that the hardest part was that the world wasn't the same to me anymore.  He wasn't in my world, and it didn't feel OK. It was a process to learn  how to be happy in this new "world" that I didn't care for.

When I became a mother, a dear friend said "Now you are a part of the secret club of motherhood".  It was a nice feeling. I was a part of this club where everyone else in it knew that beautiful feeling of becoming a mother.  It wasn't the same with the Dead Dads Club.  It wasn't nice or beautiful. It was painful and dark. 

Over the years it evolved a bit.  It will always be a club I wish I wasn't a part of, but you don't really have a choice in the matter.  You do, however, feel a little less alone after time.  With each "member" you meet, a little light lets in.  It isn't as dark anymore.  It is a lingering sadness, but not such a prison anymore.

Wandering

Today was unexpected. The plan was to take my 3 year old with me to Modesto to have our van looked at after dropping the big kids off at school. Just before daddy left for work, little man asked if he could go to Granny's house on his way. He hopped in dad's truck and off he went. At first I felt a little emotional. My baby wanted to leave me! I planned on hanging out with him. I said goodbye a few times and headed to big kid drop off. 

As I drove away from the school my van was quiet. So quiet in fact, that I could hear my own thoughts. My thoughts started to think about how nice it was going to be to have a day alone with no guilt attached.

I brought a cup of coffee, a good book, and some knitting, assuming I may be sitting at the dealership for a bit. I didn't even turn music on, I just drove and listened to my own thoughts, since I could actually hear them.

I got there a little too early. No big deal! I sat on their cheap black leather couch and jumped into my book. I was perfectly fine with sitting there alone for a few hours if needed. Eventually, we did some paperwork and they were ready to take the van. They asked if I had a ride because it may take a while. 

"No, I drove here from Patterson." 

"No problem, we will give you a car to drive around."

Are you kidding me? I'm being given a car to drive, free time on my hands and no kids? This may sound lame to some, but to a woman who is damn near constantly with anywhere from 1-5 children in tow and in a rush to be somewhere, it felt like I had just won a prize.  I tried my best to conceal my excitement. I'm sure I was glowing.

They gave me the keys to a 2000 Toyota Corolla.  I loved the simplicity of this car. Made me think back to my 2000 Cavalier I had when I was about 22, when I was alone most of the time.  I got in and took a minute to think about what the hell I was going to do with myself. I decided to check out the used book store I had been eyeing for months. I felt clumsy. It was so quiet in there! I wasn't used to going to quiet places because I usually had loud tiny humans with me. Once the friendly lady directed me to my favorite book section, biographies and memoirs,  I began to relax. They even had the book I was looking for! 

After that I just wandered. I wandered to different stores and just took my sweet ass time wandering around those stores. The entire day was relaxing but clumsy. It was relaxing because I was alone and free. It was clumsy because I was in an unfamiliar vehicle and revisiting "alone".

I wasn't a mom in the store, I was just Jenny. In all the excitement, it took a few stores for me to get comfortable with just being Jenny. Every journal I touched at Barnes and Noble knocked over two more journals next to it. Every book at Yesterday's Books that Inpulled out I then struggled to put back in its place. When I shut the car door, the seat belt was in the way. I was extremely indecisive when trying to pick a parking spot at Ross. Through it all though, I remained excited. I knew this free time was gold plated.

I walked through the doors at Ross and there was a friend of mine coming in the other door!  She had her little girl in the cart. We hugged and chatted for a minute. After that it was smooth sailing. It's almost as if seeing her reminded me of the "mom" me, but that my kids just happened to be elsewhere.  Some familiarity in the day. I was comfortably roaming around the store. I tried stuff on, I wandered, (and occasionally talked to myself out loud because that is what I do). It was fabulous. I wasn't pressed for time, my patience was not limited or decreasing. 

I had the freedom to change my mind on what curtains I wanted about three times. There was no little guy pulling things off the shelves. The store felt different. It was as if it wasn't really me at all, or some other version of me. It was kind of like being stoned but with much more clarity and appetite control.

Time to head back to town to pick up my daughter from school. Time for some mommy daughter time. We headed BACK to Modesto in search of a "fancy place", at her request to spend time at until the van was done. We found a wonderful coffee house hidden downtown, completely decked out in beautifully quaint decor. She, of course, chose to sit at the brilliantly ornate couch and coffee table with her juice and chocolate muffin. We chatted, we nosed around the patio and concluded that we would come here again sometime. The van was ready!

Today was one of those special days where you step out of routine just long enough to enjoy yourself and get back to you. I was happy to see my boys when I returned home. I felt rejuvenated and rested, even though tired from the busy day. 

Parents need little breaks. Breaks make you better parents. They make you appreciative and closer to whole. 

So turns out driving around and walking through stores wasn't the best thing for my still healing hip. I do see knitting and writing at that quaint coffee house in the near future though. 

It was a long, beautifully stoned (metaphorically speaking) day, time to snuggle up with this guy.

Some things I've learned so far in my 30's

I will soon be half way through my thirties. It seems there is a journey attached to each decade.  

When I was in my twenties I never thought about the fact that I was in a particular phase of life, or what there was to take from it. Although I had goals, I was not actively aware of growth. Looking back, the first half of my twenties were a self-absorbed alcohol and love drenched, wild ride. It was exciting, spontaneous, painful, sad, and joyous journey figuring out how to grow up.

I had my son at age 25. It was perfect timing in the universe. Life slowed down, became calm and took on a brand new meaning that was beaming with beauty. My life became intertwined with the life of this beautiful little peanut that was all mine. It was my job to create his childhood! Something he would look back on for the rest of his life.

The tail end of my twenties was a whirlwind of emotion and life changes all crammed into one year. I got married, I had another baby, I lost a parent, we bought a house, and I lost myself. It was the most loving, heartbreaking, and loneliest year of my life.

My thirties instantly became an open door. I was aware. I needed healing and growth. I needed to start over. We were in a new place making new memories, meeting new people, and making a life for our family. I was putting myself back together. I think we all will forever have pieces to put together, but for now I  feel more whole then I ever have, picking up pieces along the way.

Here are some fun facts that I have learned so far on my journey through thirty-hood:

1. I am enjoying my thirties more than my twenties, but in a different way.

2.  You think of your regrets often, but when they cross your mind, you feel more at peace with them.

3.  You cannot handle drinking like you did in your twenties.

4.  Sleep has become very high on the list if priorities. I do not say this as a mother. I handled less sleep in motherhood as a twenty-something just fine. It wasn't until after thirty that it really took a toll.

5.  Your back hurts.

6.  You have a deep urge to assert yourself.

7.  Friday night only means that tomorrow is Saturday.

8.  Teenagers and twenty-something's get on your nerves.

9.  Your eye for bullshit is developing nicely.

10. Your patience for bullshit is decreasing, which is frustrating, but makes you feel proud.

11. You learn that time heals, just not the way you expected.

12. You really do need 8 glasses of water a day.

13. Old friends that are still there for you and always have been are like diamonds. 

14. Making new friends is like gardening. Weeds need to be removed or they will drive you crazy. Flowers need care to blossom and brighten your life. They are the gem of the garden.

15. Alone time, (for me anyway) has become essential to my well being.

16. I roll my eyes more than I did as a teenager (this could be connected to the lower tolerance of bullshit).

Hopefully the last half of my thirties is as enlightening as the first. I'm already curious as to what the forties have in store.