I hate to write about negative or helpless feelings. Only because overall, things are good. Life is good, I am good, but I do feel like I'm treading water. Treading water is tiring! I am SO tired! I know it is temporary, but it is a suffocating feeling full of anxiety. I suppose my hope is that it will lighten after getting it out through writing, just a bit. I get very hesitant on sharing things like this as I am a pretty positive person and I hate for it to lead people to always ask me if I am OK. I am GOOD!
This recent hip surgery has been a good thing. The fracture is healing, this is good and I have no regrets. Dealing with recovery and not being able to do things I need to do (or want to do) are difficult. Naturally, as you get better, you have less help. I don't need someone to cook for me, or do my laundry anymore, I don't need someone to keep my toddler all day anymore. I am capable of doing these things now and that is a great feeling, however, I find myself feeling helpless still. I can do these things, but it is so draining. I feel like I cannot keep up. I cannot keep up with my son, or the house, or my friends, or my feelings! When I really need to back off of walking and get some rest, I most times can't. When I do get the opportunity to rest, I feel incredibly guilty, That what ever it is I am skipping, I should be doing, because I am "better". I feel like I'm stuck in some middle ground. I'm feeling good enough to not need help, and I don't know what would even help at this point, but I feel I am treading to stay above water and keep up. Going back to normal things hurts and drags me down. How do you really "take it easy"? I try to sit more, I read more, I actually watch TV now, but there also,is a home to run with 2 adults and 3-5 kids residing in it. Shit needs to get done.
I'm about half way through recovery. Three more months and things should be much better. It's just going to be a long three months and I just need to verbally vomit about it.
Just as I recovered enough at start driving my kids to school (about 7weeks after surgery), my husband was in an accident.
Now let's add losing a vehicle. Again, I hate to write in fear of sounding boo-hoo-ish, but it's rough. I am thankful beyond words that my husband is OK after such an impact. The car looks horrific and he came out without a scratch. He is my personal super hero, which is why I also know that all of this will get better. In the moments between I am grateful beyond words to a friend taking my children to and from school. I find myself feeling paranoid that I am taking advantage because we haven't figured out how to solve the car issue yet, or appearing that way (treading faster and faster). I've never needed so much help in my life! I am lucky enough to have a wonderful bundle of friends and a supportive family who have helped so much through this surgery. They are why I am treading ABOVE water and not drowning.
Everything feels so out of my control and I can't stand it. Now, I am not one of those all-inclusive control freaks where everything needs to be my way and ran by the one and only ME, but I can freely admit that a particular amount of control is needed for me to feel comfortable, in many areas of life. Although I know that things could be much worse, it's a little much lately. Thank you to those that have helped through all of these obstacles. You know who you are. The dinners, the rides, the helping with housework, the taking my kids to play groups, the offers of errand running, and even just the checking in. It all means A LOT to us.
So,with sour there always comes sweet. Before I know it I'll be going from treading to doggy paddle to breast stroke.
