Tears of Joy

Last Friday I had my 6 week post op appointment. My hope was that the new X-ray would should healing of the fracture and that maybe I could start putting a little bit of weight bearing on the crutches. I was nervous to hear that the fracture, again, wasn't healing.

Healing was on my side! The surgeon and his intern came in with huge, meaningful smiles on their faces. They said my fracture was healing really well. I asked him if he was just saying that. Partly out of being a smart ass and partly because over the last year I have rarely received good news about my hip recovery after a difficult surgery.

They placed my new X-rays on the light screen to show me the good news.

The circled area was an X-ray taken 10 days after surgery. You can see a dark shadow of a line that travels all the way past the middle screw.  That is my fracture. The second photo was at 6 weeks post op, with an arrow pointing to damn near the only part of the fracture left to heal. It's filling in nicely!

He then informed me that I could ditch the crutches while around the house, unless my hip felt tired or sore, but to use them when I am out and about. I repeated what he said to make sure I was hearing that correctly, that I could walk, crutch free around home after only 6 weeks? My first surgery left me on crutches for over 4 months, and a painful limp ever since. 

He told me he was signing me up for physical therapy to help strengthen my right leg muscles. I haven't used them in 6 weeks and they were violated twice during surgeries. He said I should be goden by Christmas. My husband and I exchanged giddy hand shakes with each doctor and they left the room.

I immediately started sobbing tears of joy. I've heard about crying tears of joy, but besides being a little teary eyed when my son won his super bowl, or when I saw my step daughter on stage for her first tap recital, I had no experience of real life tears of joy.

I was sobbing uncontrollably. My hands covered my mouth as I stated at Louie sobbing. It wasn't about being able to walk after 6 weeks of crutches. It was about healing and better to walk so soon. It was about experiencing progress after experiencing over 14 months of pain and disappointment. 

Louie took my crutches from me and asked if I'd like to try taking a few steps to him. I cried harder and blubbered the words "I'm scared!". He held out his hand to me and with my very weak leg, I waked a few steps into the safest place I know, Louie's arms. He held me there with a comforting grip while I cried some more. 

I couldn't stop crying, and I didn't want to! These tears of joy were intoxicating. All the emotions I had went through or held onto the past year were flooding out of my soul with one, long, 10-minute sob-fest of happiness. 

I looked for the doctor to give him a hug but he was on to the next patient. I'll be seeing him again in two months, hopefully with more good news and more tears of joy, although I'm not sure I can top that last one.

I went from having a painful fracture, to having a painful surgery with a painful recovery. The hardware fixated to my bone was large, painful and invasive to my life.

This was the first hardware I had put in. The fracture is circled and never united.

This piece kept me from sitting long, walking long, standing long, including not sit certain ways at all. It was painful to drive as it dug into my muscle with every left turn and ached horribly while sitting still and having my foot on the gas pedal. 

My new surgeon removed the hardware, fixated new screws, 3 of them in an inverted triangle, and filled up the gaps from the old hardware with a special bone cement.

A much smaller incision, less brushing, no infection, smooth and steady recovery.

There are screw holes left in my demure that are expected to close in about 2 more months. 

This bad boy below is out, and for now I carry it around in my purse until I decide what to do with it. It symbolizes so much for me and I'm happy to hold it my hand instead of my hip.

Thankfulness- 30 days wrapped into one.

Every year I see several friends make their daily posts about something they are thankful for, for each day of November. I enjoy it. I enjoy the thought provoking challenge, and I enjoy seeing all the positive gratefulness in my news feed. I, however, can never remember or commit to a daily posting task, I'm horrible with that. So, I thought I'd write a simple blog post about 30 things I'm thankful for in honor of the month that celebrates Thanksgiving.

1. I am thankful this last surgery is going so well. There is a new light down the road to brighten a journey that was a large and difficult part of the last year of my life.

2. I'm thankful for the extra time I have had with my husband. Even though the time off has come with some other struggles, him being here and taking such good care of me, taking on my typical duties, and being a dedicated part of my recovery has made all the difference in the world to me, and my hip!

3. I am thankful for friends of all kinds, old, new, and close, and just close enough. The exchange of loyalty and support is irreplaceable. 

4. I'm grateful for being a stepmother. It can be a tricky job, but it is crucial and rewarding. I'm lucky to have the closeness that I do with my step children, especially as they are getting older. We have a mutual love and respect for one another that keeps our bond tight. I choose to be a mother to them, and they chose to accept me as one. They have a special spot in my heart.

5. I am thankful for my children. I carried three precious babies and have them here with me day after day. I've learned so much from them, about love, about living, and about innocence. I learn about myself just by seeing myself in them, and I learn about independence by seeing their unique personalities blossom every day. They will always be that twinkle in my eye and that fullness in my heart.

6. I'm thankful for my husband. Not everyone finds the significant other that balances them so well. The love and respect we show to each other comes easily. Trust feels equally natural to the both of us, so all that is left is to appreciate and enjoy each other. 

7. I appreciate the quiet time I get to myself. Whether it be sipping my coffee on the front porch, knitting in the sunshine in the backyard, or just some reflective moments I get for me to collect my thoughts, those moments are vital to who I am.

8. I appreciate my sister. We have shared so much. We shared a childhood, we shared parents, we shared fun memories,  and heartbreaking pain. We were, and are, by each other's side, always. We understand each other in a way that no one else could, and that is something special. 

9. I am thankful for my mom never hesitating to tell me that she is proud. Some people are left wondering, but from her, I always know. I'm sure that has played a role in my confidence.

10. I am thankful for my family's health. Besides a few surgeries, and the kids having asthma and allergies, we are a healthy tribe.

11. I am thankful for Pandora. I love Pandora, to pieces.

12. Netflix too, I love Netflix, to pieces.

13. I'm thankful that my youngest child still says some words wrong. Like, saying a "w" sound instead of the "L" sound. "Wowypop"  Or how he calls my crutches "crunches".

"Mom, here is your crunches so you can crunch at Walmart." Too cute

14. I'm thankful for people who "get it". Those people who have it figured out, how to be themselves and enjoy others for who they are. 

15. I'm thankful for foul language. Sometimes there is nothing better to express your feelings than some good old fashioned cursing.

16. I'm thankful for my past, even the parts I'm not fond of, they have made me who I am today.

17. I'm thankful for all the new options of non-dairy creamer. I am no longer limited to the typical chemic-filled kind or soy. 

18. I'm thankful for my new super short haircut, because it practically manages itself.

19. I'm thankful for my step-dad. He never over stepped, and he's always been there for me, especially the last few years when I've needed him the most, whether he knew it or not. 

20. I'm thankful for Pete's coffee. Need I say more? 

21. I'm thankful for every dream I have about my dad, because I wake up feeling like I spent a little time with him. 

22. I'm thankful for spiders. Just kidding, I fucking hate spiders! (See also #15) they make me fear for my life irrationally.

23. I'm thankful for the cat that hangs out on my front porch and sometimes naps on our brick pillar, but never shits in our yard. Way to be cool, cat.

24. I'm thankful for the mini heater by my bed. I'm a real puss about the cold and it makes bedtime all cozy again.

25. I'm thankful for hard times. They suck, but they are humbling and remind you of your strength and what truly matters.

26. I'm thankful for tolerance. It certainly isn't everywhere or in everyone, but the more tolerance we project, the better human race we become. 

27. I'm thankful for family. Family can be so many things. They can bring joy, stress, happiness, judgement, irritation, and smiles, but there is always a beauty to family. They are your people.

28. I'm thankful I'm almost to #30. This is a long list and I'm starting to see why they break it up into a daily post. 

29. I'm thankful for my small-ish town. I enjoy the community we live in and being a part of it, rather than just living here.

30. I'm thankful for truth. All the truth around me. True people, true lessons, true meaning, true possibilities, and true worth.

Peace out November, it's been thankful. Hello December! 

Big Family Zone - You Might Have a Big Family If...

I was thinking today about how different it was when I had only one child. I was a single mom with one boy. I suppose it was hard doing it alone, but it was also all I knew of parenthood. It was just him and I from the start.

When Louie and I moved in together and started having his son and daughter (my now step children) on a regular schedule, we all of a sudden had three kids! They were 5, 4, and 2 years old. It was new and felt like a lot of work!  The weekend would feel like a whirl wind of little loud voices, tattle telling, laughing, crying, arguing, hugs, scraped knees, bike rides, picky eating, and lots of love.

I was used to one kid. This meant one bath before bedtime, one meal to accommodate only one little person's pickiness. This was one kid to keep track of while out and about. This was the time of one kid to buy tokens for at an arcade. The time of throwing one birthday party a year. Bickering was never an element in our lives, as my son had no one to bicker with. I would soon learn that he is the most argumentative child I would have. A time of worrying about one kid's happiness and health was no more.

I remember the weekend that I had a realization. I was watching the three of them go from room to room, leaving trails of whatever they were getting their hands into. Toys and books were everywhere and without notice, they were off to the next thing! It was too much chaos and too much mess. It was then I realized that it needed management. I never thought of it that way with one child. Things were pretty simplistic, there was no need to make it more complex by adding unnecessary schedules. We had a nap and a bedtime, and he had daycare while I had work. Three little people though, with no management was chaos.

I know this is a crappy quality photo above, but this is the photo that depicts our life perfectly when we were new to three. We were tired, but happy, and had kids climbing all over us, some happy, some rowdy, and some grouchy. That was three.

I remember the very moment I had everyone clean up their mess to get ready to play with clay. I had them sit at the little Wiggles table together. It was time to play with clay. That was all we were doing and we would not be moving forward onto anything else until playing with clay was over and cleaned up. I immediately felt the confidence I needed to be a mother figure to three young kids when just the prior weekend I was the mother to only one. 

We moved on to dinner. After dinner we took turns on getting these three baths done. We read a story before bed, and we tucked our wild ones in. I have to admit, car rides were challenging. We were trying to squeeze three boosters into the backseat of my Chevy Malibu. It was hard to buckle, it provoked whining and arguing. Dad had a great idea to keep the belts buckled and let them slide in and tighten it up once they were in. This saved us, another wise management desicion. We continued to become better "managers" and adapted to our new roles as a step mom and a step dad and the dynamics that came with the territory.

A little over a year later, we found out we were having a baby together. A little girl. This meant four kids! To me, four kids was stepping into "big family" zone. I always felt that 1 or 2 kids was a "small family, and that 3 kids was "medium", but 4 and up? That was treading on territory where it could be possible that all the stockings may not fit on the mantel at Christmas!

That year was huge, I got married, I became a step mother to two children, I spent my pregnancy helping to care for my dad while he lost his battle to cancer, and I had my baby girl. We decided I would not return to work. I stayed home with the kids and we ended up buying our first home in a new town. This is where we decided to have one more baby. Five kids!

We were having a boy! He had two, I had one, then we had two together. His, mine, and ours. There is no doubt at the 5 kid mark that you are in the "big family" zone.

Here are some signs:

Making sandwiches for lunch requires an entire loaf of bread.

A regular size box of cereal will barely make breakfast happen. And neither will a gallon of milk.

No one likes the same veggie. Except corn on the cob, everyone likes that.

A normal size box of cheeze-its, will only last as a snack for one trip to the park, not a snack for the week.

You need a vehicle that has a third row.

When at local festivities, they already know to discuss what flavor smoothies (or other fun beverage) to agree on because we are NOT going to buy five over priced smoothies! It will be one for the boys, one for the girls, and one for the little guy to share with mom and dad.

There is lots of arguing. Like, a lot. It's mostly about the most stupid shit you could imagine. Other times I hear a valid argument and let both sides plead their case. There are 5 personalities that think they are right and often feel they have been wronged, so again, lots of arguing.

No matter how much arguing has occurred in a day, they will band together and stand up for one another like a small, loving Gang, if an outsider intends to do harm.

You don't invite many kids to the birthday parties you throw because your own children are like a small party already.

When everyone needs new shoes, it's a big deal.

No one likes dinner at the same time, ever. Someone, always, will say they don't like it.

Special one on one time can consist of running an errand with momma without your siblings, it does not have to include a stop at an ice cream shop or some special event, the focus truly is the alone time together. You cherish it as much as they do.

Picture day is a little hectic 😳

Laundry. That's all I have to say about that.

Showers are quite the process.

You develop a habit of counting your kids when you are out. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, OK" Then one veers off from the crowd, "1, 2, 3, 4, ...... Dammit! Where's your brother?!?!"

When you are out in public, no one has to use the bathroom at the same time, but at home everyone has to pee, causing an argument of who gets to go first.

People will make comments like "wow, you have your own basketball team", or "I don't know how you do it!", or maybe "you sure do have your hands full".

There are also people who make amazing comments like "good for you! You don't see as many big families anymore!", or "that is beautiful". 

Your house is exploding with love and diverse personalities.

There are so many smiles in a single day.

You never feel guilty about using the carpool lane.

Holidays are filled with extra love and joy, and lots of mugs of hot chocolate. 

Seeing your small, loving gang get along and love one another is a priceless beauty only you can understand.

Now don't get your panties all bunched. I am in no way implying that being parents of one or two kids is a piece of cake, I've been there and most of the above still applies, but I would say at 5 kids, it intensifies a bit and is always a little louder.

😉

I know a few parents who have more than 5 kids. I'm sure you can add some more signs of a big family to my list! 

For someone who doesn't like noise or mess, I sure do enjoy this large family we have created and teamwork it takes to keep it flowing. I wouldn't have it any other way.