It has been almost five years since my husband and I agreed that I would not return to work from maternity leave. I had been off of work since about my fifth month of pregnancy to help care for my father who was battling a rare cancer. Cancer won just less than a month before I had my daughter.
We decided I would stay home to avoid the daycare costs and be able to be with the kids. Having been a single mom before, I never had thought this opportunity would never be available to me. I was nervous. Was I making the right decision? Would the financial struggle be worth it? Would I miss my job? My son was 3 years old and went to preschool for about 4 hours in the afternoon. My daughter was a newborn baby. I was recovering from an emergency C-section and I was drowning in grief over the loss of my father.
I woke up every morning, looked at my daughter's beautiful face, and cried lonely, confusing tears. I felt like I had traded one for the other and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
We had no routine in place, it wasn't chaos, but we did not have a schedule besides a nap and bedtime. I wasn't sure what exactly I was supposed to be doing. I had always felt confident in my motherhood from day one, but this stay-at-home motherhood was foreign to me.
After a few months I found a local group of moms who joined together about once a week. I did not know anyone in the town I lived in besides my in-laws. I felt brave that I was going to show up to this play group and meet people all by myself. I contacted them, and I showed up. Everyone was really nice. The kids all got to help make cookies, they played in the host's play room, and we all had lunch together. There was nothing bad about it, but I never returned. I felt unable to make friends. I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore. I knew who I was before my dad got sick, I knew myself well. I was fun, I was funny, I was happy, and I was me. It took a lot to make me laugh now, I didn't smile all that much, I was very high strung, and I was lost. I felt like I had nothing to say to anyone about anything. My mind was busy processing how fucking sad I was, how my heart ached and I knew that there was nothing anyone could do to make it feel better. I was not in control. I could not make my dad better, I could not enjoy much of my pregnancy, I could not bring him back, and I could not make myself feel happy. It was a dark and lonely place.
I remember the day that my whole vision of being a stay-at-home mom changed. We had bought a home in Patterson. Logan started kindergarten, and Dominique was about a year old when I was invited to a members meeting for a local chapter of MOMS Club. It wasn't quite the same as the group I experienced before. This was a well organized chapter that was a part of an International non profit organization.
I attended the meeting with a friend I had made at my son's school. She had told me about the club and had invited me to check it out with her. The meeting was run professionally by the board members while the children had toys and a craft to keep them busy. It felt comfortable, I felt ready to make friends.
Julie Gordon, at that time the President of MOMS Club of Patterson introduced herself to the group. She shared that she had older children, as well as a 3 year old girl. She shared that she is still involved with the the Coast Guard, she shared that she is working on a campaign for her husband, she shared that she is a substitute teacher, she shared that she has been involved in MOMS Club for many, many years, helping another chapter to sister this chapter into existence. She shared that she is involved in other community events and she shared her love of MOMS Club and how it was a huge factor in her sty-at-home motherhood.
I'm pretty sure I was sitting there with my mouth hanging open. I was in awe. It was challenging to wrap my mind around the fact that she does all these fulfilling projects that benefit herself and others. She was not just a stay-at-home mom. She was all kinds of things and she loved it! She knew who she was and what she loved. She wasn't too shy to tell people what she didn' like either. I soaked this all up, I felt excited. I felt excited for her and I felt excited for myself that I had realized I could be doing so many things, more things that I had time for when I worked even. I knew I had this Julie-momentum inside of me. It was burried under all the scar tissue of my broken heart. I wanted to GO like her, I wanted to be busy doing important things like Julie was. I started thinking, If I was busy doing things I liked, maybe I wouldn't have as much time to think about how fucking sad I was.
A few months later, the board had asked if I was interested in running for Administrative Vice President for the MOMS Club board. I was surprised by there request, but I knew this was probably my ticket into Julie-hood! I said yes right away.
Louie was shocked when I told him. I remember being flattered to hear him say "Who joins a club and almost immediately is asked to be the VP?". That question made it sound as if my wonderful qualities just poured out of me for all to see. I didn't want to tell him that in reality they needed to fill the position and had a hard time getting people to nominate. I mean I'm sure the fact that I seemed like a level headed person and I attended activities regularly helped, but there weren't many others to ask. That's OK though, I was excited!
I did not know what I was doing in my role, but I learned along the way. Working with the other 4 women on the board was a cherished experience. I got to know them, I had responsibilities other than housework, diapers, and lunches, people were counting on me that were old enough to make their own lunch, it was awesome! I had a third baby about half way through the VP term, which had me a little lazy about my VP duties. I did not feel completely accomplished, but I felt it was a sturdy stepping stone to becoming Julie-rific.
I blossomed. The next year I ran for Presidency. I dove right in. I created new activities to liven things up, I created procedures to simplify things, and I had a wonderful supportive board to back me up. My VP was a power house of a right hand man. We were power team and we got things done. Although I would not have thought so the year before, being a leader felt natural. I was comfortable in my new skin. Mid year I started my own little side business, making pedestal plates. I did some boutiques and I sold them through a Facebook page I had created. I felt it was Julie-ish of me to take on another project while being so engaged in another. I like it.
That same month, the State Coordinator for MOMS Club informed me that she wanted to recommend me for an open Big Sister position with International MOMS Club. I was flattered and I dove right in. I was given the position and was now the Big Sister to three other MOMS Club chapters.
Later that year I decided to dabble in homeschooling for my second grader. We did it for a trimester and he did end up going back to public school. It was an experience I would never undo. It was challenging, it was fun, it was exhausting, and it was worth it. I learned a lot about Logan and a lot about myself. Al focus was turned to school. The houseplants died, I was constantly trying to keep the baby occupied, and Dominique was thirsty for more attention. I decided for my own sanity, I would put him back in school. I did a great job and we enjoyed it together.
I wasn't until my term as President was over that I realized the extent of my Julie-ness. Wow, I was really busy. People would ask how I did it, or say how they never could. It's not true though, they could do it. Being that busy was just how I had began to function, it was normal. I had friends, and my babies, and my motherhood. I had my business to get creative with, I had my board position to fulfill. I had my step children and I had my husband. I feel like that year in particular I was growing at a rapid pace. Growing into my thirties and it was starting to fit well.
This year I have chose to slow down. Not because I do not love it, but because all the busy and the growing has allowed me to learn about myself, and what I love and what I do not like. I realized that I want to write, I realized that I want to learn how to relax and slow down. I want to be busy when I want to. I want to dig into my thirties and pull out wonderful treasures. So now I am "busy" doing that.
I told this story to a friend I made in the club. She told me how ironic it was because when she joined the club I was President and she felt that same way about me. So I guess I did it. I julie-fied myself! Others were actually in awe of my Jenny-ness. What a wonderful cycle!
My role as a stay-at-home mom has drastically changed since it first started. It was all about how I felt emotionally. Moving to Patterson was a very positive part of our lives. I have never felt such a sense of community and been surrounded by support of all kinds.
Thank you Julie Gordon. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being so Julie that it shined bright enough to push my clouds away, making me see opportunities more clearly. It made all the difference in the world to me, and my family.
