Changes for the new year! "Just Jenny" is now "Caffeine and Freckles".

The end of the year has rolled around again.  You can smell the new beginnings and fresh starts around the corner.  They smell hopeful and exciting, while the end of the year smells relieving and content.

I'm already looking forward to my "cleansing" New Year's shower!  As I mentioned in a post last year, I prefer the term intentions to resolutions.  I've done decent at pursuing my intentions for 2013 and added a few more along the way.

Change is a powerful force.  Change comes in such varied forms and everyone reacts to it differently.  Change can be planned or forced, or it can simply be organic.  Change can Evoke fear.  It's scary for us to think things are changing around us, relationships, surroundings, schedules, feelings, plans, traditions.  Fear, of course can bring on anger, confusion, and even chaos.

Change is almost always a positive thing in some way, shape, or form.  Even with tragedy there is change.  Working through and accepting it ends as a positive even when pain lingers.  Like most things, I'm finding, change is really about how you react to it.  If you resist, become angry, look to blame, or stress about it, change will feel negative.  I'm choosing to embrace change, no matter how trying or painful it can be.  Change is healthy and it forces us to grow.

I'm going to change the way I react to negativity.  I've become all too aware that I take on other peoples happiness as my responsibility.  Toxic guilt.  I don't plan to, but it happens.  I want to be able to make simple decisions for my family without letting myself feel I have let others down, simply because they don't like my decisions, or that it isn't ideal for them, or not the way they want it.  Comments are made, attitudes are projected, or I am simply ignored.  I then find myself doubting my own decisions which I had every right to make and had nothing to do with anyone else.  Where and how we spend our holiday, what I choose to do with my free time, choosing not to participate in something, how I solve a problem, I could go on.  There are certain people that I experience this with more than others, but even the smallest of things can fall under this umbrella of guilt.  I can't make other people change, I can only change my reaction to them and construct clear boundaries.  I cave, I make changes, I cancel, I do things I don't want to do just to avoid the feeling that I am to blame for someone being unhappy.  How dare I lat someone make me feel that way!  What am I left with? They don't feel bad! They are happy that things went their way!  They don't care to think about how their selfishness makes anyone else feel. So why do I continue to worry about their feelings?  It's built into my foundation and it's going to have to be removed piece by piece.  

I've come a long way in the last 15 years, scratching the surface, but I have a ways to go for the sense of emotional freedom I'm searching for.  I could only recognize a thin layer of it, where as now I see how deep it goes and can guess where it started.

The picture I added says it all for me.  The stages and feeling are there in the sculpture.  Starting with a lonesome confinement and ending with a liberating break out?  I hope to see this in person someday as it means something to me. Just look how undescribably happy the last figure in the sculpture is.  Change was beauty for him.  If we react to change with open arms and forth effort, the entire process is simplified.  You are focused and ready to accept the challenge and growth that comes naturally.  

I want to continue this slower pace this year as well.  I told myself I would stop rushing and purposely take things off of my plate.  Doing so has made a difference for myself and my family.  The hip surgery definitely pushed me into a slower gear.  As I heal more and more I am still trying to keep out the poisonous rush that easily whirlwinds me.  Slowing life down a bit helps with other smaller intentions, relaxing more, yelling less, enjoying more. It's a win win.

Besides that, I intend to do yoga, actually do it rather than just talk about it and think about it.  I can't go back to jogging yet and I think yoga can offer me more than fitness.  I've been eating and relaxing more than I'd like to admit, like a true winter hibernation.  I refuse to beat myself up about it, this is temporary and it's something that needed to happen. We have spent a lot of time at home for winter break. I don't feel that I have to find something new to stimulate my kids every day of break.  We do stuff as a family and we have a good time, but they enjoy pajama days at home too.  It feels natural to the season so why fight it? When we do go out it feels frustrating, like we should be home.  I'll save our busy outings for spring and summer ;-)

Another small intention is journals.  I had always wanted to write and save letters to the kids that they can read when they are adults. I've decided to get off my ass and do it, but in the form of a journal.  I can pick up and write in each of their journals throughout the year and years to come.  It will be something special for them in later years and a nice way to hold on to some precious memories of little things they do or what they were like at different ages.  

So happy New Year friends! Be open to change through out the year (big and small) and see where it takes you.

Louie

 I don't write much about my husband, as he is a private man.  I would, however, like to share what he is to me.  Not so much one thing but, one of many. 

I am no expert on marriage.  I was a child of divorce and for several years of my life, vowed to myself that I would never get married, that marriage was a foolish concept.  Today we will celebrate our 6th year of marriage and 7 years together as a couple, just getting past our newlywed stage I suppose?  We have been through a lot together early on in our relationship.  Not necessarily things between us, but being there for each other and dealing with situations as a team.  We are not the traditional family (although these days it does seem to be more common).  When we started dating, my son from a previous relationship was two years old, and his son and daughter were four and five, also from a previous relationship.  Once we moved in together I quickly jumped from having only one child to managing three children, BAM!  All ages 5 and under.  I have to admit, that felt like a wild ride, but it never felt overwhelming because he was strapped in right beside me. We now have two more children together, putting us as five children.  Day to day we have our two and mine, sharing custody of the older two with their mother.  This in itself has its own struggles and beauties.  The key is not to get caught up in the struggles for too long, but to bask in the beauty.

I have always been independent enough to know that I can do whatever it is I need to do on my own.  I'm not scared to be alone, and I was happy there, alone. The difference now is that I don't want to, I'd rather do it all with Louie.  Is there things I miss about being single? Sure!  I miss how easy it was to keep my apartment clean, picking up after myself and one kid.  I could be selfish with my feelings and decisions. I miss not missing alone time, as I am surrounded by children about 95% of the time, or more.  That is just what point of life we are at right now.  It was more simplistic to financially support my little family of two, but there is a lot more love and experiences to share and enjoy now.  Love triumphs over finances.

We never had just him and I. Kids were a part of our togetherness right off the bat. Looks like we carry a heavy load well together. We pull off an impressive balancing act.

The first thing I liked about Louie was his ability to be direct.  I tend to be surrounded by passive-aggressive people, so his direct, aggressive approach was very appealing.  I was unsure of how I felt initially.  Was this guy being rude or direct?  I had to think about it.  I was so stunned at certain points that it took me several moments to answer his questions.  I was stuck, in amazement, wondering, is he being rude? Do I need to get rude back or is this perhaps a very refreshing dose of directness?  He was, and continues to be a refreshing dose of directness. 

He made me feel like a woman.  Not all men get how to do this, and it's probably not the same for every woman.  For me, he's got it down, he may not even know it, but he's got it.  The strong arm around my shoulder, the random hug and kiss for no reason, the tender kiss on my forehead, and the willingness to be on my side and stand in my corner.  He makes me feel safe and he makes me loved. He makes me feel sexy in yoga pants and a sweatshirt with no make up.

He is supportive. He supports my ideas and decisions. He supports my dreams and my goals. 

He is emotionally supportive. This I find to be one of the most treasured. It's a tricky thing for some to be emotionally supportive. How exactly do you do it? Is it an action?  Is it words? I have been through some of the most emotional times in my life, to where I am not even sure how I would be there for someone, but he was there. His shoulder was there to cry on, his arms were there to hold me, his sense of humor was there to take my mind off of things, and his love was there to make sure I never felt alone. He was there to help me through the pain and the dark, my own personal flashlight.

He is a family man, through and through. His wife and kids come first. We are included in everything, we are a unit, and he makes sure we know how much we mean to him.  This includes being a dedicated father. He is involved and hands on, which I believe makes a huge impact on our children.

I couldn't ask for a more true friend. He can keep all my secrets, he can try to understand my feelings, and has my back like no one else can.  He can let me know when I'm being hot headed or taking something too personally. Friends make the best team. Our team feels solid, we can do anything.  

It's quite the thing he pulls off, being so strong but so soothing. With him by my side I can do anything.

He may not put his clothes in the hamper or always rinse his dish, but he sure can make this woman feel loved. ;-).  I always feel at home with him.

I love you Louie, more than I love other people :-)

Happy 6th anniversary.

Jen

To Mothers of Boys

I think we can all agree that there are differences in raising boys and raising girls.  It is still the act of raising kids, but there are some big differences.

I am a mother to a 9 year old boy, an almost 3 year old boy, and step mother to an 11 year old boy.  That's a lot of boy!  Boys are sweet, and they love their mother.  They are tough and they are sensitive.  They are malicious and they are thoughtful. They are busy and they are relaxed.  They are fulfilling and exhausting.  They are polite and they are gross.  They are funny and they are crude.  I've always loved this about boys, even as a girl.  They are all over the place.

Sometimes I think I will rip my face right off after dealing with spastic boys all day.  They are non stop.  I get tired of hearing my own voice speak out loud.  Their competitive nature can be annoying, their rebuttals can be infuriating, and their constant noise-making is draining. They are also some of the sweetest souls to walk the earth.

I so easily feel conflicted on how to react to some of the 'boy' stuff.  I want them to be strong and take on the world but, I want them to feel secure with feeling their emotions.  It used to be that boys shouldn't cry and boys shouldn't express their feelings.  Now you have the new age parenting of feeling everything to extreme depth and sharing those feelings to be a 'good man'. I guess you could say I am in the middle.  I just want them to be who they are, love themselves, be OK with showing the world who they are.  Emotions are tough, and if you have to have a good cry, cry it out!  We don't need to get all cry baby status about every little thing that stresses you, but if emotions are overwhelming, crying is NORMAL.  On the other end,  I think a huge gift in life is to be a rock to someone, even if it's just once.  Having someone be your rock is equally as precious.  I want them to experience both in the purest form.  I want to let them be boys.

I want them to handle things, work through things, but not be afraid to ask for help. I want them to let other people see them clearly.  I want them to think of others feeling, but not put aside their own.  I want them to make people laugh.  I want them to work hard and cherish what they have.

Boys are hard!  They are rowdy, and passionate, and argumentative, and full of testosterone.  As mothers to boys, how often do you find yourself saying "Calm down", "chill out"?  I say it all the time! 

Something that used to make me want to growl and show my teeth was comments from other mothers.  Mothers who didn't even have boys, and if they did, they were under 2  years old.  I would just growl inside and think of how ignorant people can be. 

Do my boys  have a lot of energy?  Do my boys talk too much in class?  Do my boys get in trouble for making fart noises in the library at school?  Are my boys messy and unorganized?  Do my boys actually enjoy teasing their sisters? Do my boys get caught making inappropriate comments (butt, fart, etc.)?  Does it seem that my boys never run out of energy?  Do my boys have trouble sitting through a movie or doing any one task for longer than 30 minutes?  Why yes, yes to all of the above!  They are BOYS you jack asses!!  This is them. This is their nature!  These are boys that become doctors and lawyers.  These are boys who become counselors to others.  These are the boys that open their own business.  These are the boys that become hard working men, putting muscle and sweat into their jobs.  These are men who become great fathers and responsible adults with huge futures in their forecast.  This is the blood flowing through their veins and if you don't have a boy, you don't understand.

Not every boy is the same but, even the tamest of boys has it in him somewhere.  Get two or three boys together and watch the explosive hyperactive carnival that takes place.  They love it!!! You could be one of those moms that like to pretend your boy isn't like all the others.  Your boy is polite and completely composed at all times.  Hopefully you will choose to stop exhausting your energy on this silly game and let your boy be a boy, it will do wonders for him, and you.

Being a typical boy does not mean they go without manners.  We teach manners to our children.  They can be as wild as they come and still have wonderful manners.  Manners are taught.  I think that is what other mothers don't realize.  That wild, and spirited behavior does not equal rude.  It isn't rude that the boy doesn't sit and play with dolls, or love to watch movies and sit still, it means he is a boy and he is different.  Being a boy doesn't mean going without feelings either.  I tend to think that boys feel a little deeper than girls sometimes.  Girls are pre programmed to talk about their feelings.  Big feeling, little feeling, all of it, we talk, talk, talk. Boys, on the other hand, tend to keep it in. It all boils up inside and comes out in other ways.  They aren't as verbal about their feelings, but that doesn't mean they don't have them.

I had learned a lesson early on in my mother-of-a-boy journey. I vented.  I shared my feelings on my exhaustion and how I was at a loss on what to do with my wild 5 year old.  I worried about him, but really I was worried that I wasn't doing the right things.  Was I disciplining enough?  Too much? For the wrong reasons? Was he an angry boy?  Was he too sensitive?  Was he too hyper?  Was he missing something from me?  Did he have ADHD?  Did he need something more than I was giving him?  No, he was fine. 

He needed me to realize that he is a boy.  A boy with large amounts of energy, feeling, and spit-fire, with smaller amounts of attention span, patience, and obedience.  He was a boy!  A real boy!  I struggled for a while with the feeling that these other mothers talked as if he were a trouble maker or bad kid.  I finally came to terms with the fact that they don't get it.  They don't get having boys and what boys are all about, and what being a mother to a boy is all about.  My boy wasn't failing, he wasn't being bad, he was being a boy.  He was a quick learner, he did well in school, he had friends, and he treated others well.  Are their limits?  Of course!  He is a kid!  Do I still tell him to calm down and chill out?  YES!  I can't do noise all day. 

Only the mother of a boy knows how sincerely sweet and caring her boy is.  He says "I love you" more than the girls, he still likes to cuddle, he would stand up for his mom at the drop of a hat, he takes pride in protecting the sister than he terrorizes, and he can't get over how cute animals are.  He is sweet, and has a tame heart. 

My  youngest is almost 3 and he is quite the boy already.  He climbs things, and jumps off them.  He sneaks candy and soda, he throws things in the house for no apparent reason.  He makes a really mean face when he is told no and he stomps away.  He breaks things, runs.....fast. He is hard to ware out.  He is a perfect little boy. 
He also loves to smooch, loves to hug.  He argues with us that he loves us more, he shares, he comforts his crying sister, he's a sweetheart. He's a boy.

So  let your boys be boys, teach them impressive manners, and don't give a second thought to what other mothers imply about your wild boy, they simply don't get it. 

Real boys become real men and we need plenty of those in the world. 

The Giving Season

This is the time of year for giving.  I believe that all year is a good time for giving, but this time especially, people give.  I have come to realize, though, that there are a large portion of people who get more out of giving than others.  I think we can agree that giving brings forth a natural emotion of happiness, pride, and warmth.  I know that when I am able to "give" to someone who needs it, or even who could just use it, I feel great.

I am sure that these people who get more, have been around forever, but the rapid take over of social media in our society has made them very apparent.  They give.  They buy things to donate to a charity or person in need, and then brag about it on social media immediately, usually accompanied by a photo and some cheesy saying about how great it is to give.  I cannot tell you how much of this I have seen this month alone.  Are they really happy enough with just helping?  I would think that if giving was enough, they wouldn't have such a strong desire to make sure everyone knows about it.  I'm not saying it has to be a secret, but I find it comical and can't help but feel like the act of showing everyone is a bit more fulfilling than the act of giving.

I wouldn't feel this way if it were, say, a picture of  kids at their first volunteer experience, where they are being introduced to the act of giving.  It's exciting, it's a memory to share, and they are proud parents.  I'm sure as a human race, we all love to give.  In my opinion, it takes away from the selfless act of giving, when you publicly pat yourself on the back for it. 

I witness giving from truly selfless people all year long.  Giving can be the simplest of gestures, but mean a lot to the receiver.  It doesn't need to be in big proportion either.  A little get well package to a sick friend, a little card to let someone know you are thinking of them through a tough time, a phone call to check in, offering a ride, dropping off a meal to a sick or injured friend, sharing a bag of goodies after you've baked all day, passing down clothes to the next parent who can use them, the list goes on.  All these little things take thought and time, and they are appreciated, and giving like this makes you feel good.  It makes you feel good because you know that you have made someone else feel good.  So displaying your giving seems a little silly.  You might as well update your status to something like 'Look at the great things I do, I'm such a good person" and then add a few hashtags, #giver #lookatme #Imadechristmashappen 

For me it is along the same lines as one of my first blog posts, called "LML".  Most people use that term when they are bragging to the social world about a great thing in their life, whether it be family time, life events, or that they got a new juicer.  It's this silly illusion that their life is lovely at all times, they "Love their Life".  Most people love life, some take it for granted, and some live in the reality that there are some pretty kick ass times in life that you cherish a little more than the rest, and there are ALWAYS going to be difficult times, in marriage, in life, in parenthood, with family, with money, with friends, with decisions, and much more!  Of course we love life!  It's what we have!  Life!   I love MY life for the whole bowl, the good, the bad, the lovely, and the shitty, THAT is life, all of it. 

Are we even aware of what our real lives are anymore?  Or do we too, believe that life is according to what we post on social media?  Most of the folks guilty of only posting things that reflect how they want to be perceived, I'm guessing are the most unhappy.  Of course we aren't always going to post about negative things.  Some things are private (or should be) and you also don't want to be perceived as a complainer.  Shame on all of us for being so judgmental.  I cringe when I see a person comment to a post about something REAL in life, venting about the hardship they are dealing with.  Here is someone being real, about real life, not LML moments, and you have "friends" that will make them feel worse.  I have witnessed people respond by telling them advice that wasn't asked for, or talking about how well something works for them, or how they don't have those problems with THEIR children.  How about a simple "Like" to show you read it and thought of them, or a thoughtful comment, that doesn't have to do with YOURSELF!

I'm thinking our friends that make sure everyone knows they are giving and loving their life have no intention of any selfish behavior, of course not, but they are so self-absorbed that they would never realize how their boasting actually appears to others, it actually defeats their whole reason for posting.

We are all different creatures though, and we can all post whatever we want on our precious social media forums, just as I can rant about random irritants on a blog. 

Love your life my friends, all of it.  You can't have the sweet without the sour, and the sweet is much sweeter when you've brawled with the sour.  Admitting there is sour is a form or raw beauty that connects you to others, and THAT, my friends is something to love about life.

Winter Break

Ahh, Winter Break.  Winter break is filled with so many things, mostly mixed feelings, LOL! 

My kids get three whole weeks off of school for Winter Break.

So many positives. 

The kids can sleep in, I will almost be guaranteed to sip on coffee before they get up. 
We don't have to "get ready".  We can stay in jammies all day if we chose to. 
We can be as busy or not busy as we choose to be.
More time to hang with the kids.
Movie days, couch cuddles, crafty days, park days, whatever we want.
We can play with friends!
We have Netflix :-)

So many unsure feelings.

Just how much will they argue with one another while home for three weeks?
Just how much arguing can I handle without drinking too coffee?
When I do need to go out, I have to take them all with me, even when they won't stop arguing.
The days will feel long.
When we get together with friends, we at least double the amount of children.
I tend to not want to go anywhere, I'm just being honest. 
Will it be a cozy not going anywhere feeling, or a get me out of the house before I go crazy not go anywhere?  They are two very different situations.

This Chrstmas

The Christmas decorations are up and the tree is decorated!  Next year my goal is to have it done the first week of December, but does it really matter?  It's done!

This is the first year I have actually allowed my children to decorate our tree.  I'm that mean, control-freak mother that does every last ornament after they go to bed.  I had plenty of valid reasons for this. I didn't want ornaments broken, I didn't want the tree to look unorganized, I wanted everything a certain way, and I just liked having the responsibility for myself.  They will have their own tree someday, right?

This year, with some coaxing from my husband, I decided to make it a "thing" that we do together.  I have to say, it turned out great.  They kids loved it.  I got to tell them where certain ornaments came from, they worked together as a team, they were excited, and they were proud.  It was an enjoyable experience to have with them.  I did re-hang some of Drew's ornaments.  Hey, he's not quite 3 years old so there was a pile of ornaments on the bottom front of the tree, he didn't mind.  It is his job to turn the tree lights off every time we leave the house or go to bed, which he takes great pride in.  I don't regret loosening my anal retentive grip on the Christmas tree.

This will be our second year carrying on our new Christmas morning tradition.  After opening presents and making a fire in the fire place, I set the table extra fancy for the kids and make their favorite biscuits and gravy for breakfast with sparkling juice.  Each of them will have a letter on their table setting which they get to open one at a time and read aloud.  The letter will brag about all their accomplishments over the past year and great things they have done.  Then they get the spotlight to talk about what they want to accomplish next year.  They all seemed to love this last year and I can't to watch them read their letters again. 

This year I am looking forward to staying home all day, for the first time, ever.  No rushing through breakfast and family morning time, no rushing to be anywhere, no getting 5 kids dressed and ready to go, no arguing about what new toys they shouldn't take with them because we promise there will be more,  no driving, no packing up all the kids' gifts, no horrific anxiety on the ride home thinking about our Christmas car wreck  years prior.  Just home, playing with new toys, relaxing, and cooking a nice Christmas dinner in our own environment. 

I am a little stressed on how we are going to make Christmas actually happen this year, financially speaking, but we always figure it out and make it work somehow, so I'm actively trying to let that stress go too.  We usually don't go crazy with gifts.  The kids have learned that Christmas is a time for family and friends and love, plus some gifts ;-)  I'm lucky to have grateful children that can see other perks to the holidays besides gifts, although I wish I could do a little more for them in the gift department.  We do have a tree this year so we are already a step up from last year.

We are not a religious family, but that doesn't mean that Christmas is "commercial" to us either.  The holidays have special meaning, religious or not.  No matter what your beliefs are, I bet we can all agree that this time of year tends to open your heart a little more.  People give more, people use caring greetings more "Happy Holidays!" "Merry Christmas!".  People cherish the way everyone comes together.  Families gather, friends embrace, traditions are acted upon, and you tend to take a moment to think about the things you are thankful for.  You hug a little longer and a little tighter. 

Some people go to church, some gather with loved ones.  Some pray together, some share their loving words with one another.  It all boils down to love.