This topic has come up quite a bit lately for my family due to the fact that we are moving out of state soon. Due to the upcoming move, we have had and still have many visits planned with loved ones to get some quality time in before we move. There have been several times lately with a few different family members and friends, where they want a hug goodbye or hello and one of my kids do not want to give one (usually one of my boys). This has come up more than just recently and I had actually decided a few years back that I would not force my kids to hug when they didn't feel good about it. Then more recently I felt like maybe I should, maybe they wouldn't see this person for some time, and the person really wanted a hug, but why I am putting the other persons needs first and ignoring my child's discomfort? That must be the people pleaser in me that tries to creep back in sometimes and I do not want to raise people pleasers. I know all too well the internal suffer that goes along with being one.
I am a hugger. I'm not sure that I have always been, but I have become one in my adult years. I hug my family and friends upon greeting and leaving, for the most part. I've learned over the years that not everyone else is a hugger and hugs may even make others feel uncomfortable. If I can sense it ahead of time, I may hold back my hug. I'm not changing who I am, but I don't care to give a hug that isn't welcomed, that defeats the purpose of the hug all together! I remember being extremely uncomfortable at times during childhood when I was forced or felt obligated to hug, whether it be a friend or family members.
I know that many family's, especially in past generations, feel that it is disrespectful for a child not to hug, especially a family member. I don't feel there is a right or wrong answer. I think this is one of those topics that whatever way works best for an individual family is the way to go. I will never feel disrespected or even put out if someone else's child doesn't want to hug me. They may be extremely shy (which I was as a child) and hugging may be overwhelmingly uncomfortable. Maybe they have a thing about their personal space. We are all different and I only enjoy two-way hugs.
My oldest especially, (and sometimes my youngest) has never been big on hugs, unless they are with me or his dad. He is actually extremely affectionate, but mainly with his parents. He doesn't always refuse hugs from others but it has never surprised me when he has, as he has always been that way. I wasn't sure how to respond to it when he was little. I felt pressure to force him to do it, people seemed offended if he rejected their hug. I've came to the conclusion (which may differ from other parents of course) that I am not going to force him, or my other kids to give hugs. My children are loving and affectionate when it is genuine and that means something. I had to ask myself, if they feel uncomfortable giving a hug at times, what would be the purpose of forcing them to do it? Basically it would be to fulfill the hug-recipient's needs. Like I said, I don't want to raise people-pleasers. He isn't rude about it, just looks at me in that "I really don't want to" kind of way, I may push a little and if he still seems uncomfortable, I let it go. I did force him to hug his auntie the other day, she seemed to really want the hug and mentioned how she may not see him for a long time. He eventually gave a pathetic excuse for a hug, and that showed me it is not worth it, in my opinion, to force him. I am thinking not much comes from receiving a hug like that, it wasn't meaningful or full of love, it was literally forced. A hug should be a two-way display of affection.
I don't want kids being made to feel like a lack of wanting to hug symbolizes lack of love. I definitely don't want to give them the idea that they only way to show love is through physical affection either. They love all their family and all of our close friends, they may just not love hugging. Now, my oldest will show affection through "tazering" (digging his fingers into your side) all day, but that isn't typically a two-way show of affection either LOL!
I make sure my kids say hello to people and that they say goodbye, acknowledging that someone is leaving. I think that is basic manners they need to have. Other than that, they need to find their way on the path of being a hugger or not.
Having this come up so much lately I was curious to hear from other parents about how they feel about forcing or not forcing hugs between their children and others.
