http://www.scarymommy.com/the-secret-that-parents-are-too-afraid-to-say/ It technically has nothing to do with stepparenting, but to me it had everything to do with stepparenting.
Stepparenting is hard. I find it to be a little harder than biological parenting. Not that parenting isn't hard, I have 3 children of my own and it is not a cake walk, it's a roller coaster. One that can make you scared, queezy, exhilarated, and full of joy all at the same time. There are different dynamics to stepparenting, even in comparing different stepfamilies. There are different rights and more people involved in the parenting process. There are times you feel like a special part to it all, and there are times that you feel like you have put so much effort, love, tears, and only the universe knows what else into it and there you stand, alone with no say in certain things. I have to say, my husband is absolutely amazing at including me, we are a team when it comes to all of our kids, his, mine, and ours, but there are certain things I cannot decide or push, and it can be incredibly frustrating or incredibly sad. Either way, it is what it is. The life of a stepparent.
We have several dynamics in our home. My husband is a stepfather to my son, although he is never refered to as such due to the fact that he has been in his life since the age of two, and the biological father has no presence in his life. My husband is the only "dad" my son knows. My son knows about his biological dad and has a relationship with his other sons, by way of myself and their mother, but he calls my husband "dad" and that is what he has been to him. Technically, yes, he is his stepdad and it is OK to say so, we just usually don't. Back when my son called him Louie, he was too young to remember. He remembers him becoming "dad". The kids don't refer to each other as stepbrother or stepsister either, only because they are so close, growing up together starting at ages 2, 4, and 5. If they did though, it wouldn't be taking anything away from the love they have for each other. It would simply be a technical term.
Our second dynamic is my husband's two children. I am their stepmom. I came along when they were 4 and 5 years old and they have their mom in their life on a consistent basis. They live in her home and we see them regularly, following a typical visitation order. I am a mother figure in their life and I have been for over 8 years. I have what I feel is a close relationship to both of them. If they wanted to call me mom, I would be fine with that. The fact that they call me "Jen", I am fine with that too. I AM the stepmom. I married their father and I am the mom of our household. They ARE my stepchildren. I love them like my own, I sacrifice for them like my own, and I treat them like my own. They are my children, but when did it become icky to say the word "stepson" or "stepdaughter"? I will,tell you! It became icky when people started making up pathetic terms like "bonus kids". Hopefully you do feel that your step children are a bonus to your life, but why make a sugary word for them that implies the real term is mean or degrading?
I struggled with this the first few years we were married. When we would introduce ourselves to people, my husband always said "This is my son, Logan", about my son. That made me think I might sound like an ass If I said "This is Kristian, my stepson", about his son. I found though, that if I said they were mine, my step kids might feel uncomfortable, especially when they have mom reminding them regularly that I am not their mom, I only married their dad. What if they didn't want me to say I was their mom? Then there were the times that I left it vague to avoid it all together and people would ruin it by adding comments that led to me feeling compelled or obligated to explain. Things like "Logan sure looks just like his dad" or "Wow, you sure look great after having 3 kids" (when I had only had one). Then there are the questions, we still get to this day, "So wait, what school do they go to?". They live in a town an hour from us so our kids do not currently go to school together. Then the most current question for my stepson, "So, what level of Patterson Ravens Football do you play for?". Well he doesn't, he plays for the team in Escalon where he lives.
I remember the one and only time I used the term "bonus kids". It was some sort of status update or hashtag. I used it, and I will blame it on social pressure, lol. I used it and it felt dirty and wrong. It felt gross and fake and I never did it again. What people don't get is that by making up these sugary sweet terms and cheese-ball labels for different family dynamics, they simply draw more attention to it as if it's not the norm, as if it's so delicate and sensitive that we can't call it what it is, we need a special name? I feel that these names separate the family more. By saying I am their stepmom, I'm simply and clearly explaining our relationship. By calling them my bonus kids I am acting as if I need to give our relationship a special name to make it sound special. Being there stepmom IS special!
Yes, there is no need to explain to EVERYONE we talk to what our family dynamics are. There are times where we simply say we have 5 kids. Sometimes I introduce my step kids as my kids, because they are my kids, and my husbands kids, and their mother's kids. It just depends. In the beginning though, it was difficult. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say, and what was appropriate or what might not make sense. All this "bonus" crap put a lot of pressure on the table, plus my husbands step parenthood being so different than my own. As we all grew as a family things became more comfortable. We had two children together, making us a family of five. Now we usually just say that we are "His, Mine, and Ours" or that we have "five all together". I'm at a wonderful level of comfort now in my stepparenthood and I no longer care to explain unless someone is asking, I never feel obligated anymore. I know that my step kids respect me as the mom of our household and that referring to them as my step kids does not offend them, as they call me their stepmom. I also feel that it is perfectly acceptable for them to correct a stranger if they refer to me as their mom and the kids want to correct them or inform them that I am their stepmom. I know that when I refer to them as my kids, they look honored, as I feel when they refer to me as their mom. The only expectation we have of each other is love and respect, and whether they know it or not, I would go to great lengths to protect them.
Another pet peeve the link above reminded me of are the step parents who go way overboard with making sure everyone knows they love their stepchild as their own. I've always felt that if you feel the need to say something of that nature repeatedly, you are most likely trying to either
A. Convince yourself
Or
B. Convince everyone else
Just relax, man. Just enjoy your stepparenthood for whatever it may be. Everyone else can go climb a tree! It's hard to share children. I have not had to share my biological children, so I can't say I know exactly what it feels like, but I share my step kids, and it is hard. When they are here, the family feels complete. It's not that we don't operate as a whole family in their absence, but when they are here there is an extra aura of completion to the circle of our family. We become the 7 of us, and that is different than the 5 of us. They are here and then they are not here. There are times they are not here for 2 whole weeks!
Stepparenting is tricky. It can be trying and it can be genuinely rewarding, but let it be what it is. Be a stepparent, be the other mom or dad, be the best you can be, but don't pour sugar all over it. How can you see the beauty in something when it's smothered in gooey BS? Let it breathe and be real. I guarantee you it will blossom. It's a big responsibility to be a mother or father figure in a child's life who is not your own. Take pride in it and grow it into something beautiful. It never takes the place of the other parent, even if the other parent is not around. My son only knows my husband as dad, but it doesn't make him his biological father, it makes him his dad, a wonderful loving father figure in his life. I try to be a wonderful mother figure in my step children's lives. I'm here to listen, I'm here to teach. I'm here to give hugs and I'm here to tell them when something is not OK. I am another mom.
In my experience as a stepparent, and even as a stepdaughter, (I had a great stepparent that proved to be a great example for me) I have learned to only focus on your relationship with the kids and your family as a whole. What is best for them and what their needs are. When you go worrying about everyone else and what they may think or not think, what to introduce yourself as, holding onto a label just to make others think or feel a certain way, or even worrying about a high conflict biological parent, it just takes away from your relationship with the kids and your family. Let it all go, the special names, the itch to control a situation that shouldn't be controlled, and the stress that you can easily cause yourself. Just love them, plain and simple, whether they are new to your life, or you've been raising them for years. Love them, make sure they know they are loved and there is trust among them. It's hard enough having a split home, especially when the parents have conflict. Be the rock that they need, be a good stepparent, not a silly, sugary name.
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