Friendships. Old Friends, New Friends, Changed Friends.

Isn't it much different making friends as an adult compared to let's say being a kid, or being in High School, or even a young adult?  I cherish that I have many friendships of different kinds.  I've had my friendships that will be alive forever.  The ones that have been with you for so many stages of your life.  I have three dear friends that I met in Junior High that I still consider my "best friends".  We could go for long stretches without talking but it is mutually understood that we love one another unconditionally and are friendship isn't going anywhere, it's here to stay. These are the women that knew me as a teenager, they know all about my rebellion, my sweetness, my mistakes, the pain I have been through, and the happiest moments of my life.  I know all of theirs as well.  We go for long periods of time when life gets busy and we don't talk and then there are times we make time to talk or visit.  We are at weddings, funerals, births, the important moments tie us together a little tighter with each one.  There is something about my old school "best friends" that ground me when I see them.  Maybe it reminds me of the younger care free girl I was, or the growth I've experienced since the old times. It's a special bond to carry a friendship through so many stages.

Then I made some friends as a young adult.  Some we try to keep in touch and a few of us are still very close.  We partied hard together, consoled one another after break ups, talked for hours about life and our ideas, hung out every weekend, and sometimes became more than friends. These are friends that were there during a very wild, confusing part of life.  We were all on the verge of becoming real adults that would soon jump into the real world of responsibilities. We then watched one another mature, meet our spouses, settle down, some of us had children.  We shared special times together when there was parts of us alive that aren't there any more because we have tamed ourselves (yes, I was a wild one at times, dealing with some demons the only way I knew how). Some of these friends knew that, or figured it out, they know parts of me that new friends do not. These friends were all a part of vital time in life during the gateway to becoming a real adult, and I love them to pieces. Both sets of friends would be the ones to notice that after losing my father a big piece of me was gone for a while.  The funny girl was gone.  My laugh and smile were gone unless I forced them out.  I wasn't me for a while.

Then we have the new friends.  The friends I made since moving to a new place 6 years ago.  I met them when I was trying to get myself back.  I sometimes wondered if they would ever know the funny girl who laughed a lot.  I'm happy to say she came back and they know her well. 

I was lucky to make many.  The process was different though.  I met many people all at once, making it very difficult to see who was a real friend and who was more of a friendly acquaintance. It took time. We were all adults, we were all mothers, we all had a common ground.  This in itself gave me the illusion that everyone was at the same maturity level and understanding of friendship. This does not mean we were all meant to be close friends, which some did not grasp.  There were times I trusted when I shouldn't have. There was times I shared things and shouldn't have.  There were times when I could tell I was being put in the middle of things.  There were times when I knew there was jealousy from others for becoming close to particular people.  It amazed me how much effort and energy this took!  To deal with all of these feelings and emotions from everyone else, and watching them do the same.  We all seemed to exhausted, and it wasn't just from taking care of kids all day. I was dumbfounded when I would learn that this group of ladies would talk about that group of ladies.  Or when someone claimed to be a friend to another, but when one negative thing was said about her, she ditches her all together.  I've made a friend only to have her drop me like a hot cake with no explanation when I was under the impression that she cared about me and our friendship for quite some time.  I saw a lot of heart break happen and it was sad.   I didn't see it right away. All I saw was how great it was to have this support system of women.  It was new to me and it was priceless. We are grown women, with children, I would have never anticipated the drama and complexity this large circle entailed. 

It got complicated.  If I hung out with one small group, it seemed to be an issue when I hung out with another small group without including everyone.  This was not in any way based around me, just in general I saw it happen to many people. People started to group us all as one solid person, forgetting that we are individuals who have different relationships with each other.  We didn't need to always be "the 4 of us" or the "3 of us", everyone is their own person and can spend their time how they please without it offending anyone.  I had came into this group of wonderful women with the idea that we were all mature, we were all adult women with children.  I was so surprised at how much sensitivity, jealousy, and insecurities were flying around.  It opened my eyes. When I first became aware I was turned off by it.  I am the type that if I feel even slightly smothered or hunted, I disappear.  I need my freedom and alone time, with any relationship.  I am independent and I sometimes don't feel social at all.  I don't ever want to feel obligated to anyone just to make them feel better. I spent a good portion of my life people pleasing and I'm on the road to retirement from that.  I can't do needy and I can't have someone not respecting my time as well as their own.  I have bigger fish to fry in the world like the focus on my marriage, my family, my passions, and my goals to worry about who is kicking it with who or what passive-aggressive comment might be meant towards who on Facebook.

However, after feeling disappointed and even angry about some of these behaviors, and after backing away from it all, I started to see it in a new light.  I realized that I needed to see people for who they are.  Some people are very sensitive.  Some people have debilitating insecurities.  Some people easily feel rejected.  I have come too far to go accommodating every one's personal needs before my own, but I could become understanding.  I had to understand that some of my friendships would change and that that was OK. Some friendships would become more like friendly acquaintances.  Some friends you may not spend time with anymore but running into them and exchanging a big hug and "how are ya?" is wonderful. Some friendships would become distant but still loyal if ever either of us were in need of help or praise. Some became lifelong friendships that I don't know what I would do without.  Some became nothing and some became questionable.  Some would take too much effort and it shouldn't be that hard.  Some would be tested and some would be forced.  Some you just have to let fade. In younger  years when friendships were no longer their was usually huge drama behind it. As an adult it's important to realize and accept change, it's so much easier on the heart. There are those times when things get dirty and friendships end with high emotion and that is unfortunate.

I've seen friends that went from being as tight as they come to becoming fake-friendly acquaintance. I've seen close friends become strangers.  I've seen people who weren't so sure about each other become a tight knit pair.  

It's more complicated as adults, we are focused on family, marriage, we are experiencing deaths, tragedies, special events, we are learning that we can't always rely on the people we thought we could, there is so much going on in this stage of life, we really need our friends.  With how connected we all are now through social media, we tend to compare ourselves.  We see the posts from the mom who complains about being so busy all the time, even though we are all busy in our own ways and some choose to stay so busy.  There are the posts that brag about all the great donating and volunteering they do, making sure everyone knows how wonderful they are.  There are the posts about how wonderful their marriage is, when they may have just made up after a huge fight.  Its not real.  Real is being there for someone and knowing them, not their posts on the Internet. My advice would be not to worry so much.  You do what you do. There is no one you  need to keep up with.  Do what feels right for you and your family.  No one needs to be a certain way, we are all different and that's what makes great friendships, loving the differences in each other.  Follow your gut on who is true to you.  Don't expect to be a part of everything. If  your friendships are real there shouldn't be a reason to feel insecure.  Is this person there for you when you are in need?  When you ask their advice, do they give it to you straight?  Are you hanging out because you enjoy  your time together, or because you want to post it on social media for someone else to see?  Do they care about your feelings?  My biggest factor in a friend, a close friend that I trust, is are they real?  Are they the same person all the time, no matter who is around? Are they honest? Maybe they are not, that's OK too, I can still like them and enjoy their company now and again and love things about them.

Easier said than done, but try not to be hurt when friendships change.  Be hurt if it hurts, but try to move on. Remember that life is constantly changing and people come in and out of our lives for so many reasons. When you have a few people who offer you the support of caring about you.  The support of encouraging  your dreams, the support of a helping hand and an open ear. The support of being real and sharing laughs. Friends that understand when you need to be alone. The support of keeping your secrets.  The support of being genuinely happy for your accomplishments, this is the good stuff.  This is what friends, of all types are made of.

The whole experience of old friends, new friends, lost friends, and changed friends has been important.  Once you understand that it is all a part of the circle of life you can see the good in it all rather than feel upset or let down. I don't regret a single friendship, however or long or short lived it was. Even when things end, there was something to be learned. 

So keep making friends!  Keep your close friends dear to your heart, offer big genuine smiles to your friendly acquaintance friends and be open to new friends, keep it simple.  Once things get too complex it will eventually become toxic.