Dear Dad,

It has been a long time since I have had such a strong urge to pick up the phone and call you. Sure, it has crossed my mind tons of times how great it would be to call you, I even dream about calling you. Although in my dreams when I call, you are sick and lonely and I fall apart realizing that I forgot about you, leaving you to care for your dying self, alone. I try to get to you but you seem uninterested. I hate those dreams. I wake up feeling horrible and lonely and ashamed. The dreams where you visit me though, those I cherish. Although my heart is broken when I wake up to remember the reality that you are gone, I still have the warmth of your brief subconscious visit. 

Tonight though, tonight I held my phone in my hand wanting to call. I felt just for a moment that I really could call you, I almost felt years of relief rush into my heart at the idea. I was excited and confused at the idea, in disbelief. Then of course, reality set in. Disbelief is the reality because I will never speak to you on the phone again, only in my dreams.

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I saw you and other days it feels like the many years it has been. 

It seems like there is something about when the season changes. I get extra sensitive, I need you more and the fact that you are gone seems more real than most days. Maybe because a new season is about change. The weather changes, the activities change, the clothing changes, drinks and food change. You being gone never changes. You continue to stay gone. I want you back so badly and I'm helpless about it. There is nothing I could do or say or write. There are no amount of tears or yelling. I know you are here with me, but it sure would be nice to have a hug once in a while, a hug from my dad, your huge hands patting my back.

As I sit on the porch writing this in tears, the weather is changing around me. It's windy and cool. I'm changing. I'm open and raw but, you being gone remains the same. As the season sets in I will feel better. It won't be something new without you anymore, it will just be Fall. 

Everything that is new without you is hard. A new house, a new baby, a new experience, new excitement, new fear, new surgeries, new hobbies, but no you.

In a way it teaches awareness and appreciation. Maybe  I wouldn't see things so deeply and mindfully if you were still here. They wouldn't be so new. They wouldn't be so noticeably different than before you were gone. 

I remember when you were sick and Spring set in. I remember having a hard time with it. I remember you asked the Chaplain to come talk to Sarah and I with you, about you dying. I recall bursting into tears about the fact that it was Spring and you never come visit much anymore and last Spring you came over all the time. You, being the sweetheart that you were, tried soothing me and apologizing for not visiting. I laughed through tears and said "no, no of course you can't come visit much, that's why we come visit you. It's just something I notice about the season changing and you aren't at my house as much, it's just new and I hate it". I did not know that it would feel new to me every season for this many years. I still hate it, but it does spark wonderful memories. 

I just found myself feeling so sad and lonely holding my phone in my hand realizing I couldn't call you when it felt, just for a moment that I could. So instead I wrote. I wrote it out and freed it all to the new Spring wind outside. 

Yolanda stopped by just as I was done crying it out in the bathroom (my favorite crying place). As I sat and listened to her talk I couldn't help but think about how she was initially going to have you walk her down the isle at her wedding. The thought was comforting, like your huge man-hand patting my back hugs or the way you always called me "Girl". What a great and noble thing. She didn't know you long, but she knew you were great and loving, and that your smile was always real. She knew you treated her well and adored her husband to be. She knew because those things were easy to see in you. 

Thanks for taking my mind off of sadness Yoli, even if you didn't know it. ;-)

So I feel more calm again. I feel relieved to finish up all those intense emotions (for now). I'll hope for a visit from you in my dreams. 

I miss you dad, like, a lot.

All my love, 

Jenny ("Girl")