Here is a sample of MY Messy Beautiful.
I am a mess. It doesn't always feel beautiful, but when I remember to be aware of myself, I can see the beauty in all messes. I've experienced fearful messes, like being told I won't be able to have children. I've experienced painful messes, like losing my father. I've experienced joyous messes, like having babies. I've experienced legal messes, like custody battles for my step children. I've been through emotional messes, when your mind digs through your past mistakes in order to move forward. The mess of depression. The mess of being overwhelmed. The mess of worry and doubt. The mess of letting go. The mess of disappointment. The mess of asking for help. The mess of taking charge. The mess of loving. The mess of empathy. The mess of losing yourself in grief and in parenthood all at the same time and fighting to find yourself, only to find that you will never be the same.
Then there are the day to day messes. Do I yell at my kids too much? Are my kids too attached to me? Should I have written this damn book by now? Should I go back to work? I waited too long to eat and now I'm grouchy!
Then there are the day to day messes. Do I yell at my kids too much? Are my kids too attached to me? Should I have written this damn book by now? Should I go back to work? I waited too long to eat and now I'm grouchy!
When will I be done with this this hip surgery recovery? Bills! Those overwhelming times in motherhood when you feel like you suck. Forcing myself to slow down, then beating myself up for not being as determined as I once was. Catching up all the laundry and then watching it pile up out of hand again. Enjoying that euphoric feeling when everything is in its place and life feels organized, only to be reminded that life doesn't work that way.
Life is a collage of messes. I seem to be better organized when I have many things to organize. When I took as much as I could off of my plate, I easily forgot things, misplaced things, constantly worried that I was forgetting something important (and sometimes I was). Life got a little too clean. I needed messes so that I could organize them and direct them. Keep them coming! These messes are life, and you carry on. You carry on with your armful of messes dragging behind you.
I am naturally a worrier. I've always worried about things, even as a child. I worried about my parents, worried about my little sister and brother. I worry about decisions, money, friends, people's feelings. My teeth are mostly smooth from grinding them in worry, while sleeping and awake. I worry about messes. I worry about writing this essay. I have made a conscious effort to worry less. The contradiction within myself is a mess. This is my life. These messes, big and small have made me who I am and I love myself.
Not allowing the messes to blur my happiness can be a mess in itself! Take pride in your messes and the warrior inside you that cleans them up! I've found that as long as I remember to stop and enjoy the mess, enjoy what I take from the mess, and capture the moment that the mess clears, the sun shining right after a rain, the blur begins to focus and everything feels whole. That is what matters. Being whole, being all inclusive, love, worry, happiness, and messes, this is the good stuff.
I am naturally a worrier. I've always worried about things, even as a child. I worried about my parents, worried about my little sister and brother. I worry about decisions, money, friends, people's feelings. My teeth are mostly smooth from grinding them in worry, while sleeping and awake. I worry about messes. I worry about writing this essay. I have made a conscious effort to worry less. The contradiction within myself is a mess. This is my life. These messes, big and small have made me who I am and I love myself.
Not allowing the messes to blur my happiness can be a mess in itself! Take pride in your messes and the warrior inside you that cleans them up! I've found that as long as I remember to stop and enjoy the mess, enjoy what I take from the mess, and capture the moment that the mess clears, the sun shining right after a rain, the blur begins to focus and everything feels whole. That is what matters. Being whole, being all inclusive, love, worry, happiness, and messes, this is the good stuff.
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