The Light

We are light.

We follow light.
We run from light.
We create light,
and extinguish light.

We bathe in light.
We hide from light.
We are inspired by light,
and we are blinded by light.

We cherish light.
We abuse light.
Light burns inside,
and light brightens outside.

Light brings peace.
Light brings fear .
Light is yours,
and what you make of it, dear.

Light is you and I. 

Light is night and day.
Light is ideas, goals, and dreams.
Light is failure, pain, and grief.

Light is your abandoned past,
and light is the open road ahead.

Light brings you home.
Light leads you astray.
Light speaks to you,
and tells you the way.

Light is scary.
Light is real.
Light is dark,
when you refuse to feel.

We breath light.
We drink light.
We dream of light.

Live light.

Make the little things big.

It has been a long, thoughtful week.  It has been full of a wide range of activities and feelings. There was friends coming together for casual fun with food and laughter.  There was death and deep empathy with a thoughtful celebration of life.  There was resentment and frustration, but the beauty of  awareness making it capable to let go.  There were future plans made in excitement.  There was stress and worry about deadlines with confirmations for peace of mind. There was the challenge of being calm when it would be so much easier to let the ego take over, even for just a little bit. There were memories that take us back to a beautiful place but leave you with a bit of sadness that the place is only a memory now. 

As we live life, more and more people and places become just a memory.  It's a difficult transition to adjust to. It's painful and sad.  You are broken for a while.  You gradually come back together, but never exactly the same as before, just good enough to keep on living and loving. In a way, you become harder, your scar tissue becomes a type of shell that is hard to puncture.  At the same time though, you become much  more sensitive, things aren't always so impenetrable once they've been broken, but always resilient. That in itself is a form of strong, being resilient. If you won't allow yourself to be broken and renew,  how strong can you really be?  When you won't allow yourself to fall apart, you are hiding from pain.  As scary as it may be, it is necessary.

We all have our deamons. Some move in and out of our lives like a storm, others play a daily role, not leaving our side for long. Small joys. I've found that small joys can play a large role if you let them. Small joys are big if you see them that way.  

For me it's been a few things. Some are for me, some are for me and my connection to my family, my connection to my husband or my connection to myself. 

A spontaneous trip to the park with the kids after school. It breaks up our normal routine enough to give me a much needed boost. It may be the sunshine, the kids arguing outside instead of indoors :-) or maybe just the change of scenery in general. 

Tea. I've been drinking a beautiful cup of hot tea several times a day. I used to drink tea occasionally, usually from a coffee cup. I only pulled the tea cups out when my mom would visit. There is something about the act of drinking tea that demands respect. It forces me to sit and collect myself for a while. You can't rush through a cup of tea. I am a rusher by nature, so if I could, I would, but again there is just something about hot tea that demands respect. It takes me to a quiet place in my mind (even with noise around me and that's difficult for me!) Not many things have the ability to calm my thoughts and ease my tensions, so if a tiny cup of tea can do it, I welcome it all day! I've learned to allow it to take me to a quiet, thoughtful place of reflection and peace. I guess in a way, I drink several cups of tea, in pretty little cups and saucers as a form of meditation. For two weeks I've been taking tea with me on the go as well, so I can get to that quiet place while I'm out and about.  It's a little thing and it's big for me.

 Find what little thing is big for you, and make it even bigger.

License: <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

The Revolving Door

I didn't feel the need this year to post a New Year's blog entry.  I would typically list my New Year's intentions to look back at them later in the year to see how well I had done at committing to them.  We all know this typically leads to at least a bit of disappointment.  You can make a change for some time but can easily revert back.  My approach this year is different.  I'm looking at the year still as a metaphoric fresh start, but more in the form of a revolving door.  I am in charge of what comes in and out and I want it full of the wonderful things and people I deserve.  Not just for the year, but for my way of thinking.

A revolving door continues to move.  People go in and out, and through. Sometimes things get stuck and need a little push as it can be confusing and sometimes downright intimidating. What is going on inside of the door is changing on a consistent basis, but it possesses the solidity of staying what it truly is.  It is your responsibility to keep yourself happy. No person or thing can do this for you. People and things can bring joy, but joy isn't much enjoyed if you are not already in a state of happiness.

My intentions will continue to be my intentions, but I will be comfortable with the fact that some days I will honor my intentions, and other days I may set them aside.  No disappointment.  Everyday is a revolving door.  Every day is a fresh start.  I will remain who and what I am and continue to have consistent changes going on inside. I think that if we all become more comfortable with change, in any form, we will become more light and accepting of ourselves.  That's where all the progress begins, with self love and self acceptance.  It will then become clear to you what you desire and what you chose not to tolerate in your revolving door of life. Go after what you deserve. We all deserve our best selves. The revolving door never closes, but if you keep a steady flow of positive people, feelings, and activities, it leaves no room for the negative to creep in. There is no reason left to lock it up and hide.

I deserve plenty of good, whole foods and healthy activity revolving through my door.  Juicing, yoga, walks, hula hooping, bike riding, physical therapy.  I'm going to bask in the days and moments I'm involved in this self loving effort and will not beat myself up emotionally for the days and moments I don't do as well.  I've noticed in the past when I get off track, lets say I end up at the donut shop instead of eating oatmeal at home.  Or after a week of yoga and treadmill I don't get any activity besides housework and normal daily tasks. Instead of being OK with this small change and continuing on through the revolving door, revolving back into my good habits, I let the negative in.  The door gets clogged up with negative feelings of guilt and disappointment.  You're angry at yourself for making a poor choice and you end up stuck there, why not just eat ANOTHER donut? I already messed up.  I chose not to live there anymore.  I will make a solid effort of self love, but a big part of that is being OK and forgiving of change, even if change is eating a donut.

This door holds more than eating habits and physical activity.  The door lets in and out the kind of influence you want in your life. We all deserve beautiful souls, pure intent, and clear agendas from others. If you don't want negative influence, leave no room for it to squeeze through the door.  Fill it with positive people, positive thoughts, and things that you love. Do what serves you.  Be what serves you. Mood can be difficult.  Enjoy your good moods and try embracing your bad moods. I find that when I recognize my bad mood for what it is I can attempt to let go and get back to a more level ground. Sometimes you just have to live out your bad mood, but live it out to its end and move forward.  Harboring is exhausting and non productive. If you cannot recognize the state you are in, you will not recognize the need for change.

The most difficult feeling for me in the past has been sadness and grief.  We usually label these as negative feelings.  In reality, whatever is making you feel these feelings is the true negative culprit, the feelings are honest and true. The source could be betrayal, worry, loss, anger, heartbreak, or maybe even plain old depression. Those are negative, but the sadness and grief, although painful are natural and necessary to work through the negative situation. Separate the feeling from the cause.

Maybe you are scared, maybe you feel abandoned, maybe you lost a loved one, maybe a loved one is suffering. Are you worried about making big decisions or changes? Most of these and similar situations are out of our control, which is hard all on its own. Maybe shutting down and being alone gets you though, maybe surrounding yourself with friends and family gives you that push, maybe you cry, perhaps you write or exercise, maybe you scream into a pillow, or maybe you plow forward, not allowing yourself to feel these emotions. For some people this is how they get through a tough time, they feel it later. Every one's door revolves at it's own speed and in its own way.  Be you and do your way, but take some time to be conscious of what is revolving around and within in you. We are resilient creatures. Pain can haunt and change us, but it always leaves you deeper and with a better understanding of yourself.

What are your desires for this year? Do you want to get out more? Do you want to stay in more?  Do you want to learn more? Do you want to react less? Do you want to get healthier? I want to write more, I want to learn more in regards to knitting, I want to be more active and eat well. I want to make more time for me. I want to meditate more and stress less. We have control over all of these things simply by being conscious of what comes in and out of our revolving door. Surround yourself with who and what you love.  Be clear, to yourself and others about exactly what you want and do not want. I cannot tell you how much this simplifies your life. The more you simplify the more your door will work as a well oiled machine. Clean and free of debris.

Happy Sunday, keep revolving.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/40650893@N04/6414291637">"Sometimes you have to forget what you want, to remember what you deserve." Unknown</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/100498911@N06/14164050480">Radical Self Love Bible | I Make Myself Happy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/16782093@N03/4390777470">Lübeck</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

Holiday Memories

 

Every year around this time I tell myself that next year, I will buy gifts throughout the year and put them away from Christmas.  The idea is that by the time Christmas thrusts upon us, I will be all ready to go.  This is most likely a total pipe dream for me for many reasons.  For one, we are on quite the budget while I am home with the kids, work fluctuates, and we have five children.

I always think it sounds like such a good idea.  Every year we end up having to shop within days of Christmas, and I am not one that enjoys the Christmas crowds, especially while on crutches this year.  Our anniversary is only a few days before Christmas, so it's all meshed together.  If Christmas is on a budget, that usually means anniversary is limited or non existent. One year, we asked Grammy and Pappy to watch the kids while my husband and I used our anniversary day to Christmas shop and enjoy dinner together.  That was a nice night, but I'm avoiding going out as much as I can while I can't walk freely.  Using crutches makes me sweat.  Sweating while not working out and intending to sweat irritates me.  No thanks.

This year I have felt different about it.  We tend to keep Christmas pretty simplistic around here.  For one there is that budget thing I mentioned and for two, I like the kids to enjoy the excitement of gifts, but to see that the focus is on being together and having traditions.  The kids get 2-3 small gifts each and that is that.  We don't have a huge extended family to buy for either, so gift giving is to a minimum. I don't tend to gift to all of my friends, maybe randomly one or two.  Our friendship is worth more than a gift.

Each year since becoming a family of seven, the holidays have seemed to become more and more simplistic.  I love this!  I love it for me, for less stress, and I love it for my kids. We have incorporated some traditions along the way that mean a lot to me.  The first few years of becoming a family it was pretty much gifts in the morning, and then off to whom ever was hosting whatever.  I don't mind that sometimes, but the bigger we became, the more I felt the need to slow it down and have our very own time together and traditions to start and keep.  I want my kids to look back when they are adults and remember things that we did together each year. 

The first Christmas without my dad it was difficult to muster up the Christmas spirit.  I didn't want a tree and I didn't want to decorate or even think about Christmas.  I wanted to get the kids a gift and call it a day.  My mother in law gave me the push I needed.  She gave me a small fake tree and started to set things out.  Christmas was strange that year.  Dad wasn't there, Christmas day was spent at home, at my in-law's and at my sister's with my mom and my brother in-law's family.  Everything had to be rushed to be in three places in one day.  It was even my daughter's first Christmas, but I was sad and lost in grief.

For us we do gifts when we wake up.  Once the oldest two get here from their mom's house, we do a Christmas breakfast.  I set the table extra special and we have homemade biscuits and gravy. Each child has a letter at their place setting and gets to read it  aloud.  In the letter to them I talk about all the accomplishments, growth, and goals they have reached.  They then share with us some of their goals for the coming year.  It's nice for them to each get the spotlight and it's sweet watching their bashful faces beam as they read compliments about themselves aloud. I am admittedly selfish about this part of our day.  I don't want to rush through it because it means something to us, and I don't want to share it because I feel it's important to have something of our own. I have had enough Christmas's that are rushed.  Rushing to get here and rushing to get there, all to appease other people.  We need to appease ourselves first, I don't want my kids growing up to be people pleasers, it's too draining. Not to mention, rushing yourself and five kids is chaotic and quickly drains the holiday spirit.

Maybe they will carry this on to their children in the future, maybe not, but they will remember it as a family Christmas memory. In the time frame of Christmas Eve to the day after Christmas we always spend time with both grandparents and aunts and uncles, also cherished memories for all.  They will remember Christmas Eve at Aunties house with cousin Aidan and Grammy and Pappy and Uncle Jon and Monica, having a big meal, eating Grammy's fudge and cookies, and relaxing around the tree together and playing with their cousin. They will remember years that we spent time at Granny and Grumps on Christmas day, with Auntie Lacy and Grandpa Frank, pulling poppers and playing with all their new stuff. Eating my fudge and pumpkin pie with tons of whipped cream. We also have a holiday get-together with my dad's sisters that live in California, either before Christmas or after. We have a simple tasty meal, gifts for the kids, some mimosas and time together.  It makes it feel like my dad is incorporated into Christmas in some ways, spending the day with his sisters, plus they are fabulous ladies and I love the time I have with them. We have a nice full Christmas season with lots of love and family visits.

Did your family have traditions you enjoyed every year?  Did you stay home?  Did you go to grandma's house?  Did you take off and go somewhere non-traditional.  I have always wanted to sneak off some holiday, the seven of us and go somewhere cool and just spend the day completely different and new, not the norm. When I think of doing that, it always makes me think of the scene from the movie "A Christmas Story", when they have Christmas dinner as a family at a Chinese Restaurant. 

"Fa-Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Ra".

My childhood holiday memories?  I have several. 

Leading up to Christmas, my dad would always take my sister and I to a nearby tree lot and help us pick out a tree.  I don't have specific memories of decorating it, but I'm sure we did.  I do have specific memories of decorating a tree at my mom's house.  It was always fun to see the ornaments that you haven't seen for a whole year.  There is something special about only seeing something once a year. I'm somewhat embarrassed to say that up until the last two Christmas's, I didn't let the kids decorate the tree.  I was anal and anxious about it.  I waited until they went to bed and I put out all the décor and decorated the tree.  I know, I know, way to share the cheer right?  Hey, they were really excited to wake up in the morning and see the beautiful tree and all the décor out.  I learned the last few years that I enjoy watching them decorate the tree now.  Yes, I still get a little frantic about fragile pieces or putting heavy ornaments on the bottom and unimportant issues like clumping too many together, but I remind myself to shut up and enjoy the moment and it works.

My dad liked to take us driving around to look at Christmas lights.  I was able to return the favor during his last Christmas with us.  He asked me to drive him around.  It was a quiet drive.  It was sad and special all at once and I think it meant quite a bit to both of us. We usually do a few drives with the kids.  There are some great houses around Granny's house, including Granny's actual house. There is also a spectacular house in our town that has an amazing amount of lights that flutter and blink to the music station that you tune your radio to.  It's a must see every year.

My mom and step dad always had mistletoe hanging in their house and they always stood under it and smooched!  I thought it was pretty cool then and I think it's even cooler now.  It was sweet.  Seeing the affection was healthy.

I remember my dad collecting these tiny little ceramic houses, I think from Gottchalks.  Eventually he would have a small Christmas village that sat on the mantel in December. 

We always had a chain made of construction paper.  You know that ones. You cut one link off every night before bed and when you get to the last one, it's Christmas!

Every Christmas Eve evening we would spend with my mom (and dad) at my maternal grandparents house.  We would have Christmas dinner, or sometimes KFC (LOL), and exchange gifts.  The evening was full of my grandfather's jokes and jabs at my grandmother and she always came back with a quick witted comment.  All the cousins were there and it would be a blast.  I always felt a little bummed when it got late and it was time to head home.  I didn't want the fun to end. The best part about going home though, was that dad always let my sister and I open up one gift from him that had been under the tree.  He always seemed as excited as we were.  One gift right before bed to build up the anticipation for tomorrow. 

In the morning we would open the gifts from my dad and usually go to one of our aunt's homes, or my paternal grandparents house, again having fun with the cousins and being so excited to see grandma and grandpa.  They lived far enough to where we didn't see them a ton and it made it super exciting to visit with them.  My grandfather was always great about showing his enthusiasm when it came to us grand kids.  He would crouch down with arms open wide, cheeks pink, and the biggest smile I'd ever seen, exclaiming "kiddo!".  Those had to have been my favorite hugs as a child. My grandmother always had the most elegant, loving touch. She made me feel delicate and pretty, like a flower, her soothing voice alone made me feel safe and warm. The "Jane Adams Potatoes" were a special treat, a family recipe. Creamy comfort food.  I always wondered why they were called that.  I figured Jane Adams must have been a chef, or someone of importance, or maybe just a description of food that I didn't comprehend.  I learned only a few  years ago that my grandmother got the recipe decades ago from a lady who lived down the street, her name was Jane Adams. So, she called them Jane Adams Potatoes.  Perfectly hilarious.

It was easy as a kid.  You just get really excited, put a pretty dress on and go wherever your parents took you.  Now you have your family,  your spouse's family, plus your own nuclear family and sometimes one or both of those families are split and do not celebrate together.  It's just too much to be expected to be everywhere, but we do what we can.

I tried to branch out last year and do a gingerbread house kit.  Not sure I'll do that again.  It was fun and all, I can't remember if everyone wanted to just eat it, or if no one wanted to eat it and I had this food house sitting around.  We don't even visit Santa every year.  I'm going for simple, so I don't want to feel obligated to cram too many activities into one month, and the kids don't mind a bit. They have no expectations besides being together, opening a gift, seeing family, and biscuits and gravy. I want to go this year because my youngest has never been. When I was a part of a local mom's group, we attended some activities like caroling, cookie decorating, Christmas crafts.  These were great fun, but as they get older we are slowing down.  I'm still trying to figure out every year how to buy the kids' gifts without them around since we end up having to wait until they are already on Christmas break. I don't even have the urge to bake this year.  I plan to make fudge, as my mother in law won't let me in if I don't bring it (just kidding Granny) and my stepson has already requested peanut butter fudge, so I'd love to make that happen.

I still feel like it was just summer a few weeks ago.  Football practice, shorts, sweat, sunscreen, and popsicles.  Now it's almost time to roast chestnuts on an open fire!?  It creeps up faster every year.

So have a wonderfully busy season or a laid back slow season, which ever you prefer and enjoy it while it's here.  Soon it will be spring and everyone will be coloring eggs.  Enjoy your traditions and enjoy your visits. Don't drink and drive and don't be a hater.  Haters suck all year long, but especially during the holidays ;-)

I am one of those people that say "Happy Holidays".  I am not against "Merry Christmas", but the way I see it, November and December are months that are full of holidays of all kinds.  It doesn't have to be exclusively dedicated to religion.  It's a time for remembering thanks and it's a time to give and be grateful for everyone, as we are all the same in that way and we all can feel joy from it.

Happy Holidays, from mine to yours.

Since when did "STEPMOM" become a dirty word?

I have had this conversation with a dear friend, (also a stepmom) many times. Missy, my stepmom road dog. Tonight I read a blog that a friend posted shared on Facebook.  (Thank you Jennifer!) I do not have a close relationship with her, but from what I have seen of her, she is a strong woman who has been through some difficult times. It seems to me that she has taken these hard times and molded them into appreciation for the good times. She soaks in beautiful moments whole heartedly. She shares her appreciation openly, but is honest about life sometimes being hard, or sad! She has seen both sides of life, like most of us and chooses to be real about it, like the blog post below talks about. To me that speaks volumes of a person, to feel AND say what is real rather than what you know people are comfortable hearing. There is a bundle of complexity in that department when it comes to stepparenting.

http://www.scarymommy.com/the-secret-that-parents-are-too-afraid-to-say/ It technically has nothing to do with stepparenting, but to me it had everything to do with stepparenting.

Stepparenting is hard. I find it to be a little harder than biological parenting. Not that parenting isn't hard, I have 3 children of my own and it is not a cake walk, it's a roller coaster. One that can make you scared, queezy, exhilarated, and full of joy all at the same time. There are different dynamics to stepparenting, even in comparing different stepfamilies. There are different rights and more people involved in the parenting process. There are times you feel like a special part to it all, and there are times that you feel like you have put so much effort, love, tears, and only the universe knows what else into it and there you stand, alone with no say in certain things. I have to say, my husband is absolutely amazing at including me, we are a team when it comes to all of our kids, his, mine, and ours, but there are certain things I cannot decide or push, and it can be incredibly frustrating or incredibly sad. Either way, it is what it is. The life of a stepparent. 

We have several dynamics in our home. My husband is a stepfather to my son, although he is never refered to as such due to the fact that he has been in his life since the age of two, and the biological father has no presence in his life. My husband is the only "dad" my son knows. My son knows about his biological dad and has a relationship with his other sons, by way of myself and their mother, but he calls my husband "dad" and that is what he has been to him. Technically, yes, he is his stepdad and it is OK to say so, we just usually don't. Back when my son called him Louie, he was too young to remember. He remembers him becoming "dad". The kids don't refer to each other as stepbrother or stepsister either, only because they are so close, growing up together starting at ages 2, 4, and 5. If they did though, it wouldn't be taking anything away from the love they have for each other. It would simply be a technical term. 

Our second dynamic is my husband's two children. I am their stepmom. I came along when they were 4 and 5 years old and they have their mom in their life on a consistent basis. They live in her home and we see them regularly, following a typical visitation order. I am a mother figure in their life and I have been for over 8 years. I have what I feel is a close relationship to both of them. If they wanted to call me  mom, I would be fine with that. The fact that they call me "Jen", I am fine with that too. I AM the stepmom. I married their father and I am the mom of our household. They ARE my stepchildren. I love them like my own, I sacrifice for them like my own, and I treat them like my own. They are my children, but when did it become icky to say the word "stepson" or "stepdaughter"? I will,tell you! It became icky when people started making up pathetic terms like "bonus kids". Hopefully you do feel that your step children are a bonus to your life, but why make a sugary word for them that implies the real term is mean or degrading? 

I struggled with this the first few years we were married. When we would introduce ourselves to people, my husband always said "This is my son, Logan", about my son. That made me think I might sound like an ass If I said "This is Kristian, my stepson", about his son. I found though, that if I said they were mine, my step kids might feel uncomfortable, especially when they have mom reminding them regularly that I am not their mom, I only married their dad.  What if they didn't want me to say I was their mom? Then there were the times that I left it vague to avoid it all together and people would ruin it by adding comments that led to me feeling compelled or obligated to explain. Things like "Logan sure looks just like his dad" or "Wow, you sure look great after having 3 kids" (when I had only had one). Then there are the questions, we still get to this day, "So wait, what school do they go to?". They live in a town an hour from us so our kids do not currently go to school together. Then the most current question for my stepson, "So, what level of Patterson Ravens Football do you play for?". Well he doesn't, he plays for the team in Escalon where he lives. 

I remember the one and only time I used the term "bonus kids". It was some sort of status update or hashtag. I used it, and I will blame it on social pressure, lol. I used it and it felt dirty and wrong. It felt gross and fake and I never did it again. What people don't get is that by making up these sugary sweet terms and cheese-ball labels for different family dynamics, they simply draw more attention to it as if it's not the norm, as if it's so delicate and sensitive that we can't call it what it is, we need a special name? I feel that these names separate the family more. By saying I am their stepmom, I'm simply and clearly explaining our relationship. By calling them my bonus kids I am acting as if I need to give our relationship a special name to make it sound special. Being there stepmom IS special! 

Yes, there is no need to explain to EVERYONE we talk to what our family dynamics are. There are times where we simply say we have 5 kids. Sometimes I introduce my step kids as my kids, because they are my kids, and my husbands kids, and their mother's kids. It just depends. In the beginning though, it was difficult. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say, and what was appropriate or what might not make sense. All this "bonus" crap put a lot of pressure on the table, plus my husbands step parenthood being so different than my own. As we all grew as a family things became more comfortable. We had two children together, making us a family of five. Now we usually just say that we are "His, Mine, and Ours" or that we have "five all together".  I'm at a wonderful level of comfort now in my stepparenthood and I no longer care to explain unless someone is asking, I never feel obligated anymore. I know that my step kids respect me as the mom of our household and that referring to them as my step kids does not offend them, as they call me their stepmom. I also feel that it is perfectly acceptable for them to correct a stranger if they refer to me as their mom and the kids want to correct them or inform them that I am their stepmom. I know that when I refer to them as my kids, they look honored, as I feel when they refer to me as their mom. The only expectation we have of each other is love and respect, and whether they know it or not, I would go to great lengths to protect them.

Another pet peeve the link above reminded me of are the step parents who go way overboard with making sure everyone knows they love their stepchild as their own. I've always felt that if you feel the need to say something of that nature repeatedly, you are most likely trying to either

A. Convince yourself

Or

B. Convince everyone else

Just relax, man. Just enjoy your stepparenthood for whatever it may be. Everyone else can go climb a tree! It's hard to share children. I have not had to share my biological children, so I can't say I know exactly what it feels like, but I share my step kids, and it is hard. When they are here, the family feels complete. It's not that we don't operate as a whole family in their absence, but when they are here there is an extra aura of completion to the circle of our family. We become the 7 of us, and that is different than the 5 of us. They are here and then they are not here. There are times they are not here for 2 whole weeks! 

Stepparenting is tricky. It can be trying and it can be genuinely rewarding, but let it be what it is. Be a stepparent, be the other mom or dad, be the best you can be, but don't pour sugar all over it. How can you see the beauty in something when it's smothered in gooey BS? Let it breathe and be real. I guarantee you it will blossom. It's a big responsibility to be a mother or father figure in a child's life who is not your own. Take pride in it and grow it into something beautiful. It never takes the place of the other parent, even if the other parent is not around. My son only knows my husband as dad, but it doesn't make him his biological father, it makes him his dad, a wonderful loving father figure in his life. I try to be a wonderful mother figure in my step children's lives. I'm here to listen, I'm here to teach. I'm here to give hugs and I'm here to tell them when something is not OK. I am another mom. 

In my experience as a stepparent, and even as a stepdaughter, (I had a great stepparent that proved to be a great example for me) I have learned to only focus on your relationship with the kids and your family as a whole. What is best for them and what their needs are. When you go worrying about everyone else and what they may think or not think, what to introduce yourself as, holding onto a label just to make others think or feel a certain way, or even worrying about a high conflict biological parent, it just takes away from your relationship with the kids and your family. Let it all go, the special names, the itch to control a situation that shouldn't be controlled, and the stress that you can easily cause yourself. Just love them, plain and simple, whether they are new to your life, or you've been raising them for years. Love them, make sure they know they are loved and there is trust among them. It's hard enough having a split home, especially when the parents have conflict. Be the rock that they need, be a good stepparent, not a silly, sugary name.