It has been a long, thoughtful week. It has been full of a wide range of activities and feelings. There was friends coming together for casual fun with food and laughter. There was death and deep empathy with a thoughtful celebration of life. There was resentment and frustration, but the beauty of awareness making it capable to let go. There were future plans made in excitement. There was stress and worry about deadlines with confirmations for peace of mind. There was the challenge of being calm when it would be so much easier to let the ego take over, even for just a little bit. There were memories that take us back to a beautiful place but leave you with a bit of sadness that the place is only a memory now.
As we live life, more and more people and places become just a memory. It's a difficult transition to adjust to. It's painful and sad. You are broken for a while. You gradually come back together, but never exactly the same as before, just good enough to keep on living and loving. In a way, you become harder, your scar tissue becomes a type of shell that is hard to puncture. At the same time though, you become much more sensitive, things aren't always so impenetrable once they've been broken, but always resilient. That in itself is a form of strong, being resilient. If you won't allow yourself to be broken and renew, how strong can you really be? When you won't allow yourself to fall apart, you are hiding from pain. As scary as it may be, it is necessary.
We all have our deamons. Some move in and out of our lives like a storm, others play a daily role, not leaving our side for long. Small joys. I've found that small joys can play a large role if you let them. Small joys are big if you see them that way.
For me it's been a few things. Some are for me, some are for me and my connection to my family, my connection to my husband or my connection to myself.
A spontaneous trip to the park with the kids after school. It breaks up our normal routine enough to give me a much needed boost. It may be the sunshine, the kids arguing outside instead of indoors :-) or maybe just the change of scenery in general.
Tea. I've been drinking a beautiful cup of hot tea several times a day. I used to drink tea occasionally, usually from a coffee cup. I only pulled the tea cups out when my mom would visit. There is something about the act of drinking tea that demands respect. It forces me to sit and collect myself for a while. You can't rush through a cup of tea. I am a rusher by nature, so if I could, I would, but again there is just something about hot tea that demands respect. It takes me to a quiet place in my mind (even with noise around me and that's difficult for me!) Not many things have the ability to calm my thoughts and ease my tensions, so if a tiny cup of tea can do it, I welcome it all day! I've learned to allow it to take me to a quiet, thoughtful place of reflection and peace. I guess in a way, I drink several cups of tea, in pretty little cups and saucers as a form of meditation. For two weeks I've been taking tea with me on the go as well, so I can get to that quiet place while I'm out and about. It's a little thing and it's big for me.
Find what little thing is big for you, and make it even bigger.
There seems to be a trend in my life lately. There are all these "things" just hanging there.None of them can come down until the time is right and they can't all come down at the same time. You just have to keep on working around them and under them, waiting for them to either fall on you, or for when the opportunity arises to take them down yourself. It's nerve wracking!
It reminds me of a Christmas tree in a way. I love a pretty Christmas tree and all, but there is a side to it that kind of hangs there. You can't keep it forever. In my mind it has to come down by New Year's day. There are all those pretty ornaments, just hanging there. Some will stay up until it is time to come down. Some of them will fall and break. There are some you enjoy seeing so much that you won't want to pull them down. The puppy has gotten a hold of a few. I was either able to save them or they were destroyed, but they were all at some point just hanging there, waiting for their fate. At least you can pack that fucker up though and bring in a new year without Christmas decor.
When I have a decision to make, I let it sit for a bit while I think it through. It's different from hanging though. I set it aside. I did, because it was in my control on when and how to deal with it. I deal with it and it is done. It's easy to feel overwhelmed with all these hanging issues to be addressed when it is in someone else's hands. Will it happen in time? Will it really happen? Will the decision be best for all involved? Will they forget and leave the issue hanging in the fog forever? Will it be handled but not perfectly, leaving mistakes to linger above your head?
It is court, it is litigation, it is research, it is future plans, it is the unknown and it is draining. It is school, and work, and family, and friends. It is custody and ex's and bullshit and economy. It feels like everything. They are all not negative either, there is good shit up there hanging around too!
It feels good to finish up with some, piece by piece, but there are always some left hanging. I swear when I was younger there didn't seem to be so many hanging issues. It felt more like things came up and they were hard and I got through them. I get through them now, they just seem so much more important, which make them more stressful. There is more to lose, more involved, more to worry about.
Looking back, they used to seem like such a big deal, but compared to now they weren't so bad. I was at a different point in my life. I guess it is a plus that I can now function with several issues hanging over head, it just affects you differently. In my early twenties I would probably just drink and smoke more. Now I take more hot baths, write more, and knit more. Sometimes I yell more and sometimes I cry more, but I always take an experience away with me and use it.
Things hang around all year, that is life, but I have heard so many people say that things seem to hit the fan during the holidays. I'm sure that it just feels that way because we are all already dealing with the pressures that come with holidays. This year I refuse to feel pressure from anyone. Not family, not friends, not even my kids! I won't bend to pressure from society or myself. Christmas will be simple and enjoyable and that is all I want out of it. All my things can hang on my mental tree and be dealt with as their times comes. You lose a few and another is added. C'est la vie!
So acknowledge your hanging "things" but try not to worry about them over the holidays. Worry about loving and drinking hot chocolate instead. Your things will fall from their suspended position when they are good and ready, making room for the next. Stress makes us ugly and tired, so let us all find our most productive ways in dealing with it.
