Short Hair Don't Care! The freeing of Jennifer

I had to add the above photo of myself with some wonderful short haired women ringing in the New Year.

I've had many hair styles over the years. The last six years I've had less style and more just, hair. I would get it cut and just let it grow after. The more kids I had and the busier life became, the more I let little joys for myself slip away. Like hair styles, cute panties, reading, and eyeliner to name a few. I would dabble here and there but I was occupied with schedules, diapers, potty training, homework, putting pig tails in my daughter's hair, meal planning, drama that arises with a high conflict bio mom to my step children, plus all the other stuff that fills up a day with kids, or even a day without kids. 

Certain relationships over the last few years and some of my own self reflection have reminded me to do for myself. One of my best friends since middle school, Janet has always reminded me how great a new hair do can feel, or even just some nail polish. She always held that wisdom of knowing that time and things for YOU, are better for the kids too. My dear friend Theresa (Slim-Dawg) is the mother of three boys. Her hair is always cut to a style, skin looks fantastic, outfit thought out, she is the fashionista of our crew. She reminds us all that eyeliner and jewelry do NOT need to be saved for special events. Wear them, just to celebrate being a woman! Thank you Theresa, you pulled me out of a mini rut once and it changed me forever.

It's a few little things that can make a huge difference in how you feel. I can be a better mom if I can be just me too. I love motherhood, but it does not define me. I was my own person before motherhood, and I am own person through motherhood.

I had very long hair for a very long time. Most of middle school and high school. My senior year I cut and layered it. It was still well past my shoulders and considered long hair, but it was no longer to my waist. After high school I tried everything out. Different medium length styles, layers, bangs, no bangs, short layered do's, A-line bobs, short and spiked with product in the back while long and A-lined in front. Variety is the key to life!

Most recently I cut it the shortest it's been. It just barely covered my ears, and when I went back to trim it up, I cut it shorter, above the ear. 

There is something so liberating about hacking all that hair off. It felt like I was saying "fuck you" to someone. No one in particular, it just felt good to say it through expression. Over the last year my hair had gotten so long! I adore the way layers softly frame a face, and wispy side bangs add a soft touch, but I felt weighed down. I felt like with all the shit and baggage you carry around in life, my hair was something I could have control over. I plotted the day I would release myself from its confinement. I patiently waited and pinned short hairstyles I liked on Pinterest.

I had always admired women I had met with very short hair. It made them appear so confident.  They didn't need wispy anything to feel soft and feminine. I loved Molly Ringwald, her short red hair. In my early twenties I met a girl named Brandi, short red hair, always appeared confident. In my early thirties I met Theresa (Slim), one of my home skillets, very short hair and it seemed like she sweat confidence from her pores. I instantly admired her. For her confidence, her short hair, and her jewelry wearing for no real reason but to wear it.

Short hair seems brave, maybe because so many women will make the comment of how much they love short hair but could never do it. They could do it though! They just need to feel confident about rockin' the short locks! It makes the short haired girls appear that much more confident, and confidence is beautiful, no matter what length your hair is. Some women say their man doesn't like short hair.  I won't cut my hair for my man, I cut it for me.  I'd prefer that he like my hair, but I'm confident in my relationship enough to know he will still be attracted to me even if he doesn't favor my hair cut. The hair is mine.

I've always remembered my aunt Evie's comment to me when I was a teenager with hair down to my waste. I told her I was thinking of cutting it. She told me I should enjoy my long hair while I'm young, because after a certain age, long hair is just a little silly. 

I totally get what she is saying now. I'm not (nor was she) implying that long hair always looks silly after mid thirties, but I can see and feel how going short gives you a sense of freedom and control. As you get older you start to learn just how much is not in your control, so having control over your hair, your eyeliner, cute panties, and your confidence definitely helps lighten the load of the heavy things in life.

There is the control to grow it back out too, but I love starting the new year with short, confident hair, cute panties, and I plan on wearing eyeliner and jewelry too.

I miss the ponytail option a bit, but I'm enjoying the "fuck you" gesture more.

So thank you Janet, Theresa, and Brandi, and all you other short haired home girls. Thank you for keeping it real and everything else you do! Much love.

Cheers to confidence, short hair, and the middle finger to help ring in the New Year!

Sorry for all the self photos, it's to show the evolution of hair, I promise!

 It started about here, then it just kept growing as I ignored it.
Then it got long.
Then I found a really cool curling iron and started doing more with it.


Then, even though I loved the curls, I felt it was weighing me down. Literally and figuratively. Notice how thrilled I am!Then chop time!  It's what I had been longing for!   I am FREE!

My current cut is just a bit shorter, but I don't have a photo to share, and I won't be taking one for the blog post because I'm a hot-still in pajamas-mess, and I plan to stay that way until its time to get ready for the NYE party.

If you've been debating on going short, and you never have before, I say DO IT!  It's just hair, it will grow back, or you may find you don't want it to.  It's liberating, not to mention it feels better with scarves and in the summer. You will love knowing the feel of long AND short hair, and how each make you feel.

Chop chop!

Happy New Year!

Just Hanging There

There seems to be a trend in my life lately.  There are all these "things" just hanging there.  None of them can come down until the time is right and they can't all come down at the same time.  You just have to keep on working around them and under them, waiting for them to either fall on you, or for when the opportunity arises to take them down yourself.  It's nerve wracking!

It reminds me of a Christmas tree in a way.  I love a pretty Christmas tree and all, but there is a side to it that kind of hangs there.  You can't keep it forever.  In my mind it has to come down by New Year's day.  There are all those pretty ornaments, just hanging there.  Some will stay up until it is time to come down.  Some of them will fall and break.  There are some you enjoy seeing so much that you won't want to pull them down. The puppy has gotten a hold of a few. I was either able to save them or they were destroyed, but they were all at some point just hanging there, waiting for their fate. At least you can pack that fucker up though and bring in a new year without Christmas decor.

When I have a decision to make, I let it sit for a bit while I think it through.  It's different from hanging though.  I set it aside.  I did, because it was in my control on when and how to deal with it.  I deal with it and it is done.  It's easy to feel overwhelmed with all these hanging issues to be addressed when it is in someone else's hands.  Will it happen in time?  Will it really happen?  Will the decision be best for all involved?  Will they forget and leave the issue hanging in the fog forever? Will it be handled but not perfectly, leaving mistakes to linger above your head?

It is court, it is litigation, it is research, it is future plans, it is the unknown and it is draining.  It is school, and work, and family, and friends.  It is custody and ex's and bullshit and economy. It feels like everything.  They are all not negative either, there is good shit up there hanging around too!

It feels good to finish up with some, piece by piece, but there are always some left hanging. I swear when I was younger there didn't seem to be so many hanging issues.  It felt more like things came up and they were hard and I got through them.  I get through them now, they just seem so much more important, which make them more stressful.  There is more to lose, more involved, more to worry about. 

Looking back, they used to seem like such a big deal, but compared to now they weren't so bad.  I was at a different point in my life.  I guess it is a plus that I can now function with several issues hanging over head, it just affects you differently.  In my early twenties I would probably just drink and smoke more. Now I take more hot baths, write more, and knit more. Sometimes I yell more and sometimes I cry more, but I always take an experience away with me and use it.

Things hang around all year, that is life, but I have heard so many people say that things seem to hit the fan during the holidays.  I'm sure that it just feels that way because we are all already dealing with the pressures that come with holidays.  This year I refuse to feel pressure from anyone.  Not family, not friends, not even my kids!  I won't bend to pressure from society or myself.  Christmas will be simple and enjoyable and that is all I want out of it.  All my things can hang on my mental tree and be dealt with as their times comes.  You lose a few and another is added. C'est la vie!

So acknowledge your hanging "things" but try not to worry about them over the holidays.  Worry about loving and drinking hot chocolate instead.  Your things will fall from their suspended position when they are good and ready, making room for the next. Stress makes us ugly and tired, so let us all find our most productive ways in dealing with it.

Peace be with you, really. 

Since when did "STEPMOM" become a dirty word?

I have had this conversation with a dear friend, (also a stepmom) many times. Missy, my stepmom road dog. Tonight I read a blog that a friend posted shared on Facebook.  (Thank you Jennifer!) I do not have a close relationship with her, but from what I have seen of her, she is a strong woman who has been through some difficult times. It seems to me that she has taken these hard times and molded them into appreciation for the good times. She soaks in beautiful moments whole heartedly. She shares her appreciation openly, but is honest about life sometimes being hard, or sad! She has seen both sides of life, like most of us and chooses to be real about it, like the blog post below talks about. To me that speaks volumes of a person, to feel AND say what is real rather than what you know people are comfortable hearing. There is a bundle of complexity in that department when it comes to stepparenting.

http://www.scarymommy.com/the-secret-that-parents-are-too-afraid-to-say/ It technically has nothing to do with stepparenting, but to me it had everything to do with stepparenting.

Stepparenting is hard. I find it to be a little harder than biological parenting. Not that parenting isn't hard, I have 3 children of my own and it is not a cake walk, it's a roller coaster. One that can make you scared, queezy, exhilarated, and full of joy all at the same time. There are different dynamics to stepparenting, even in comparing different stepfamilies. There are different rights and more people involved in the parenting process. There are times you feel like a special part to it all, and there are times that you feel like you have put so much effort, love, tears, and only the universe knows what else into it and there you stand, alone with no say in certain things. I have to say, my husband is absolutely amazing at including me, we are a team when it comes to all of our kids, his, mine, and ours, but there are certain things I cannot decide or push, and it can be incredibly frustrating or incredibly sad. Either way, it is what it is. The life of a stepparent. 

We have several dynamics in our home. My husband is a stepfather to my son, although he is never refered to as such due to the fact that he has been in his life since the age of two, and the biological father has no presence in his life. My husband is the only "dad" my son knows. My son knows about his biological dad and has a relationship with his other sons, by way of myself and their mother, but he calls my husband "dad" and that is what he has been to him. Technically, yes, he is his stepdad and it is OK to say so, we just usually don't. Back when my son called him Louie, he was too young to remember. He remembers him becoming "dad". The kids don't refer to each other as stepbrother or stepsister either, only because they are so close, growing up together starting at ages 2, 4, and 5. If they did though, it wouldn't be taking anything away from the love they have for each other. It would simply be a technical term. 

Our second dynamic is my husband's two children. I am their stepmom. I came along when they were 4 and 5 years old and they have their mom in their life on a consistent basis. They live in her home and we see them regularly, following a typical visitation order. I am a mother figure in their life and I have been for over 8 years. I have what I feel is a close relationship to both of them. If they wanted to call me  mom, I would be fine with that. The fact that they call me "Jen", I am fine with that too. I AM the stepmom. I married their father and I am the mom of our household. They ARE my stepchildren. I love them like my own, I sacrifice for them like my own, and I treat them like my own. They are my children, but when did it become icky to say the word "stepson" or "stepdaughter"? I will,tell you! It became icky when people started making up pathetic terms like "bonus kids". Hopefully you do feel that your step children are a bonus to your life, but why make a sugary word for them that implies the real term is mean or degrading? 

I struggled with this the first few years we were married. When we would introduce ourselves to people, my husband always said "This is my son, Logan", about my son. That made me think I might sound like an ass If I said "This is Kristian, my stepson", about his son. I found though, that if I said they were mine, my step kids might feel uncomfortable, especially when they have mom reminding them regularly that I am not their mom, I only married their dad.  What if they didn't want me to say I was their mom? Then there were the times that I left it vague to avoid it all together and people would ruin it by adding comments that led to me feeling compelled or obligated to explain. Things like "Logan sure looks just like his dad" or "Wow, you sure look great after having 3 kids" (when I had only had one). Then there are the questions, we still get to this day, "So wait, what school do they go to?". They live in a town an hour from us so our kids do not currently go to school together. Then the most current question for my stepson, "So, what level of Patterson Ravens Football do you play for?". Well he doesn't, he plays for the team in Escalon where he lives. 

I remember the one and only time I used the term "bonus kids". It was some sort of status update or hashtag. I used it, and I will blame it on social pressure, lol. I used it and it felt dirty and wrong. It felt gross and fake and I never did it again. What people don't get is that by making up these sugary sweet terms and cheese-ball labels for different family dynamics, they simply draw more attention to it as if it's not the norm, as if it's so delicate and sensitive that we can't call it what it is, we need a special name? I feel that these names separate the family more. By saying I am their stepmom, I'm simply and clearly explaining our relationship. By calling them my bonus kids I am acting as if I need to give our relationship a special name to make it sound special. Being there stepmom IS special! 

Yes, there is no need to explain to EVERYONE we talk to what our family dynamics are. There are times where we simply say we have 5 kids. Sometimes I introduce my step kids as my kids, because they are my kids, and my husbands kids, and their mother's kids. It just depends. In the beginning though, it was difficult. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say, and what was appropriate or what might not make sense. All this "bonus" crap put a lot of pressure on the table, plus my husbands step parenthood being so different than my own. As we all grew as a family things became more comfortable. We had two children together, making us a family of five. Now we usually just say that we are "His, Mine, and Ours" or that we have "five all together".  I'm at a wonderful level of comfort now in my stepparenthood and I no longer care to explain unless someone is asking, I never feel obligated anymore. I know that my step kids respect me as the mom of our household and that referring to them as my step kids does not offend them, as they call me their stepmom. I also feel that it is perfectly acceptable for them to correct a stranger if they refer to me as their mom and the kids want to correct them or inform them that I am their stepmom. I know that when I refer to them as my kids, they look honored, as I feel when they refer to me as their mom. The only expectation we have of each other is love and respect, and whether they know it or not, I would go to great lengths to protect them.

Another pet peeve the link above reminded me of are the step parents who go way overboard with making sure everyone knows they love their stepchild as their own. I've always felt that if you feel the need to say something of that nature repeatedly, you are most likely trying to either

A. Convince yourself

Or

B. Convince everyone else

Just relax, man. Just enjoy your stepparenthood for whatever it may be. Everyone else can go climb a tree! It's hard to share children. I have not had to share my biological children, so I can't say I know exactly what it feels like, but I share my step kids, and it is hard. When they are here, the family feels complete. It's not that we don't operate as a whole family in their absence, but when they are here there is an extra aura of completion to the circle of our family. We become the 7 of us, and that is different than the 5 of us. They are here and then they are not here. There are times they are not here for 2 whole weeks! 

Stepparenting is tricky. It can be trying and it can be genuinely rewarding, but let it be what it is. Be a stepparent, be the other mom or dad, be the best you can be, but don't pour sugar all over it. How can you see the beauty in something when it's smothered in gooey BS? Let it breathe and be real. I guarantee you it will blossom. It's a big responsibility to be a mother or father figure in a child's life who is not your own. Take pride in it and grow it into something beautiful. It never takes the place of the other parent, even if the other parent is not around. My son only knows my husband as dad, but it doesn't make him his biological father, it makes him his dad, a wonderful loving father figure in his life. I try to be a wonderful mother figure in my step children's lives. I'm here to listen, I'm here to teach. I'm here to give hugs and I'm here to tell them when something is not OK. I am another mom. 

In my experience as a stepparent, and even as a stepdaughter, (I had a great stepparent that proved to be a great example for me) I have learned to only focus on your relationship with the kids and your family as a whole. What is best for them and what their needs are. When you go worrying about everyone else and what they may think or not think, what to introduce yourself as, holding onto a label just to make others think or feel a certain way, or even worrying about a high conflict biological parent, it just takes away from your relationship with the kids and your family. Let it all go, the special names, the itch to control a situation that shouldn't be controlled, and the stress that you can easily cause yourself. Just love them, plain and simple, whether they are new to your life, or you've been raising them for years. Love them, make sure they know they are loved and there is trust among them. It's hard enough having a split home, especially when the parents have conflict. Be the rock that they need, be a good stepparent, not a silly, sugary name.