Discussion...Do you force your children to give hugs?

This topic has come up quite a bit lately for my family due to the fact that we are moving out of state soon. Due to the upcoming move, we have had and still have many visits planned with loved ones to get some quality time in before we move. There have been several times lately with a few different family members and friends, where they want a hug goodbye or hello and one of my kids do not want to give one (usually one of my boys). This has come up more than just recently and I had actually decided a few years back that I would not force my kids to hug when they didn't feel good about it. Then more recently I felt like maybe I should, maybe they wouldn't see this person for some time, and the person really wanted a hug, but why I am putting the other persons needs first and ignoring my child's discomfort? That must be the people pleaser in me that tries to creep back in sometimes and I do not want to raise people pleasers. I know all too well the internal suffer that goes along with being one.

I am a hugger. I'm not sure that I have always been, but I have become one in my adult years. I hug my family and friends upon greeting and leaving, for the most part. I've learned over the years that not everyone else is a hugger and hugs may even make others feel uncomfortable. If I can sense it ahead of time, I may hold back my hug. I'm not changing who I am, but  I don't care to give a hug that isn't welcomed, that defeats the purpose of the hug all together! I remember being extremely uncomfortable at times during childhood when I was forced or felt obligated to hug, whether it be a friend or family members.

I know that many family's, especially in past generations, feel that it is disrespectful for a child not to hug, especially a family member. I don't feel there is a right or wrong answer. I think this is one of those topics that whatever way works best for an individual family is the way to go. I will never feel disrespected or even put out if someone else's child doesn't want to hug me. They may be extremely shy (which I was as a child) and hugging may be overwhelmingly uncomfortable. Maybe they have a thing about their personal space. We are all different and I only enjoy two-way hugs.

My oldest especially, (and sometimes my youngest) has never been big on hugs, unless they are with me or his dad. He is actually extremely affectionate, but mainly with his parents. He doesn't always refuse hugs from others but it has never surprised me when he has, as he has always been that way. I wasn't sure how to respond to it when he was little. I felt pressure to force him to do it, people seemed offended if he rejected their hug. I've came to the conclusion (which may differ from other parents of course) that I am not going to force him, or my other kids to give hugs. My children are loving and affectionate when it is genuine and that means something. I had to ask myself, if they feel uncomfortable giving a hug at times, what would be the purpose of forcing them to do it? Basically it would be to fulfill the hug-recipient's needs. Like I said, I don't want to raise people-pleasers. He isn't rude about it, just looks at me in that "I really don't want to" kind of way, I may push a little and if he still seems uncomfortable, I let it go. I did force him to hug his auntie the other day, she seemed to really want the hug and mentioned how she may not see him for a long time. He eventually gave a pathetic excuse for a hug, and that showed me it is not worth it, in my opinion, to force him. I am thinking not much comes from receiving a hug like that, it wasn't meaningful or full of love, it was literally forced. A hug should be a two-way display of affection.

I don't want kids being made to feel like a lack of wanting to hug symbolizes lack of love. I definitely don't want to give them the idea that they only way to show love is through physical affection either. They love all their family and all of our close friends, they may just not love hugging. Now, my oldest will show affection through "tazering" (digging his fingers into your side) all day, but that isn't typically a two-way show of affection either LOL!

I make sure my kids say hello to people and that they say goodbye, acknowledging that someone is leaving. I think that is basic manners they need to have. Other than that, they need to find their way on the path of being a hugger or not.

Having this come up so much lately I was curious to hear from other parents about how they feel about forcing or not forcing hugs between their children and others.

Short Hair Don't Care! The freeing of Jennifer

I had to add the above photo of myself with some wonderful short haired women ringing in the New Year.

I've had many hair styles over the years. The last six years I've had less style and more just, hair. I would get it cut and just let it grow after. The more kids I had and the busier life became, the more I let little joys for myself slip away. Like hair styles, cute panties, reading, and eyeliner to name a few. I would dabble here and there but I was occupied with schedules, diapers, potty training, homework, putting pig tails in my daughter's hair, meal planning, drama that arises with a high conflict bio mom to my step children, plus all the other stuff that fills up a day with kids, or even a day without kids. 

Certain relationships over the last few years and some of my own self reflection have reminded me to do for myself. One of my best friends since middle school, Janet has always reminded me how great a new hair do can feel, or even just some nail polish. She always held that wisdom of knowing that time and things for YOU, are better for the kids too. My dear friend Theresa (Slim-Dawg) is the mother of three boys. Her hair is always cut to a style, skin looks fantastic, outfit thought out, she is the fashionista of our crew. She reminds us all that eyeliner and jewelry do NOT need to be saved for special events. Wear them, just to celebrate being a woman! Thank you Theresa, you pulled me out of a mini rut once and it changed me forever.

It's a few little things that can make a huge difference in how you feel. I can be a better mom if I can be just me too. I love motherhood, but it does not define me. I was my own person before motherhood, and I am own person through motherhood.

I had very long hair for a very long time. Most of middle school and high school. My senior year I cut and layered it. It was still well past my shoulders and considered long hair, but it was no longer to my waist. After high school I tried everything out. Different medium length styles, layers, bangs, no bangs, short layered do's, A-line bobs, short and spiked with product in the back while long and A-lined in front. Variety is the key to life!

Most recently I cut it the shortest it's been. It just barely covered my ears, and when I went back to trim it up, I cut it shorter, above the ear. 

There is something so liberating about hacking all that hair off. It felt like I was saying "fuck you" to someone. No one in particular, it just felt good to say it through expression. Over the last year my hair had gotten so long! I adore the way layers softly frame a face, and wispy side bangs add a soft touch, but I felt weighed down. I felt like with all the shit and baggage you carry around in life, my hair was something I could have control over. I plotted the day I would release myself from its confinement. I patiently waited and pinned short hairstyles I liked on Pinterest.

I had always admired women I had met with very short hair. It made them appear so confident.  They didn't need wispy anything to feel soft and feminine. I loved Molly Ringwald, her short red hair. In my early twenties I met a girl named Brandi, short red hair, always appeared confident. In my early thirties I met Theresa (Slim), one of my home skillets, very short hair and it seemed like she sweat confidence from her pores. I instantly admired her. For her confidence, her short hair, and her jewelry wearing for no real reason but to wear it.

Short hair seems brave, maybe because so many women will make the comment of how much they love short hair but could never do it. They could do it though! They just need to feel confident about rockin' the short locks! It makes the short haired girls appear that much more confident, and confidence is beautiful, no matter what length your hair is. Some women say their man doesn't like short hair.  I won't cut my hair for my man, I cut it for me.  I'd prefer that he like my hair, but I'm confident in my relationship enough to know he will still be attracted to me even if he doesn't favor my hair cut. The hair is mine.

I've always remembered my aunt Evie's comment to me when I was a teenager with hair down to my waste. I told her I was thinking of cutting it. She told me I should enjoy my long hair while I'm young, because after a certain age, long hair is just a little silly. 

I totally get what she is saying now. I'm not (nor was she) implying that long hair always looks silly after mid thirties, but I can see and feel how going short gives you a sense of freedom and control. As you get older you start to learn just how much is not in your control, so having control over your hair, your eyeliner, cute panties, and your confidence definitely helps lighten the load of the heavy things in life.

There is the control to grow it back out too, but I love starting the new year with short, confident hair, cute panties, and I plan on wearing eyeliner and jewelry too.

I miss the ponytail option a bit, but I'm enjoying the "fuck you" gesture more.

So thank you Janet, Theresa, and Brandi, and all you other short haired home girls. Thank you for keeping it real and everything else you do! Much love.

Cheers to confidence, short hair, and the middle finger to help ring in the New Year!

Sorry for all the self photos, it's to show the evolution of hair, I promise!

 It started about here, then it just kept growing as I ignored it.
Then it got long.
Then I found a really cool curling iron and started doing more with it.


Then, even though I loved the curls, I felt it was weighing me down. Literally and figuratively. Notice how thrilled I am!Then chop time!  It's what I had been longing for!   I am FREE!

My current cut is just a bit shorter, but I don't have a photo to share, and I won't be taking one for the blog post because I'm a hot-still in pajamas-mess, and I plan to stay that way until its time to get ready for the NYE party.

If you've been debating on going short, and you never have before, I say DO IT!  It's just hair, it will grow back, or you may find you don't want it to.  It's liberating, not to mention it feels better with scarves and in the summer. You will love knowing the feel of long AND short hair, and how each make you feel.

Chop chop!

Happy New Year!

Since when did "STEPMOM" become a dirty word?

I have had this conversation with a dear friend, (also a stepmom) many times. Missy, my stepmom road dog. Tonight I read a blog that a friend posted shared on Facebook.  (Thank you Jennifer!) I do not have a close relationship with her, but from what I have seen of her, she is a strong woman who has been through some difficult times. It seems to me that she has taken these hard times and molded them into appreciation for the good times. She soaks in beautiful moments whole heartedly. She shares her appreciation openly, but is honest about life sometimes being hard, or sad! She has seen both sides of life, like most of us and chooses to be real about it, like the blog post below talks about. To me that speaks volumes of a person, to feel AND say what is real rather than what you know people are comfortable hearing. There is a bundle of complexity in that department when it comes to stepparenting.

http://www.scarymommy.com/the-secret-that-parents-are-too-afraid-to-say/ It technically has nothing to do with stepparenting, but to me it had everything to do with stepparenting.

Stepparenting is hard. I find it to be a little harder than biological parenting. Not that parenting isn't hard, I have 3 children of my own and it is not a cake walk, it's a roller coaster. One that can make you scared, queezy, exhilarated, and full of joy all at the same time. There are different dynamics to stepparenting, even in comparing different stepfamilies. There are different rights and more people involved in the parenting process. There are times you feel like a special part to it all, and there are times that you feel like you have put so much effort, love, tears, and only the universe knows what else into it and there you stand, alone with no say in certain things. I have to say, my husband is absolutely amazing at including me, we are a team when it comes to all of our kids, his, mine, and ours, but there are certain things I cannot decide or push, and it can be incredibly frustrating or incredibly sad. Either way, it is what it is. The life of a stepparent. 

We have several dynamics in our home. My husband is a stepfather to my son, although he is never refered to as such due to the fact that he has been in his life since the age of two, and the biological father has no presence in his life. My husband is the only "dad" my son knows. My son knows about his biological dad and has a relationship with his other sons, by way of myself and their mother, but he calls my husband "dad" and that is what he has been to him. Technically, yes, he is his stepdad and it is OK to say so, we just usually don't. Back when my son called him Louie, he was too young to remember. He remembers him becoming "dad". The kids don't refer to each other as stepbrother or stepsister either, only because they are so close, growing up together starting at ages 2, 4, and 5. If they did though, it wouldn't be taking anything away from the love they have for each other. It would simply be a technical term. 

Our second dynamic is my husband's two children. I am their stepmom. I came along when they were 4 and 5 years old and they have their mom in their life on a consistent basis. They live in her home and we see them regularly, following a typical visitation order. I am a mother figure in their life and I have been for over 8 years. I have what I feel is a close relationship to both of them. If they wanted to call me  mom, I would be fine with that. The fact that they call me "Jen", I am fine with that too. I AM the stepmom. I married their father and I am the mom of our household. They ARE my stepchildren. I love them like my own, I sacrifice for them like my own, and I treat them like my own. They are my children, but when did it become icky to say the word "stepson" or "stepdaughter"? I will,tell you! It became icky when people started making up pathetic terms like "bonus kids". Hopefully you do feel that your step children are a bonus to your life, but why make a sugary word for them that implies the real term is mean or degrading? 

I struggled with this the first few years we were married. When we would introduce ourselves to people, my husband always said "This is my son, Logan", about my son. That made me think I might sound like an ass If I said "This is Kristian, my stepson", about his son. I found though, that if I said they were mine, my step kids might feel uncomfortable, especially when they have mom reminding them regularly that I am not their mom, I only married their dad.  What if they didn't want me to say I was their mom? Then there were the times that I left it vague to avoid it all together and people would ruin it by adding comments that led to me feeling compelled or obligated to explain. Things like "Logan sure looks just like his dad" or "Wow, you sure look great after having 3 kids" (when I had only had one). Then there are the questions, we still get to this day, "So wait, what school do they go to?". They live in a town an hour from us so our kids do not currently go to school together. Then the most current question for my stepson, "So, what level of Patterson Ravens Football do you play for?". Well he doesn't, he plays for the team in Escalon where he lives. 

I remember the one and only time I used the term "bonus kids". It was some sort of status update or hashtag. I used it, and I will blame it on social pressure, lol. I used it and it felt dirty and wrong. It felt gross and fake and I never did it again. What people don't get is that by making up these sugary sweet terms and cheese-ball labels for different family dynamics, they simply draw more attention to it as if it's not the norm, as if it's so delicate and sensitive that we can't call it what it is, we need a special name? I feel that these names separate the family more. By saying I am their stepmom, I'm simply and clearly explaining our relationship. By calling them my bonus kids I am acting as if I need to give our relationship a special name to make it sound special. Being there stepmom IS special! 

Yes, there is no need to explain to EVERYONE we talk to what our family dynamics are. There are times where we simply say we have 5 kids. Sometimes I introduce my step kids as my kids, because they are my kids, and my husbands kids, and their mother's kids. It just depends. In the beginning though, it was difficult. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say, and what was appropriate or what might not make sense. All this "bonus" crap put a lot of pressure on the table, plus my husbands step parenthood being so different than my own. As we all grew as a family things became more comfortable. We had two children together, making us a family of five. Now we usually just say that we are "His, Mine, and Ours" or that we have "five all together".  I'm at a wonderful level of comfort now in my stepparenthood and I no longer care to explain unless someone is asking, I never feel obligated anymore. I know that my step kids respect me as the mom of our household and that referring to them as my step kids does not offend them, as they call me their stepmom. I also feel that it is perfectly acceptable for them to correct a stranger if they refer to me as their mom and the kids want to correct them or inform them that I am their stepmom. I know that when I refer to them as my kids, they look honored, as I feel when they refer to me as their mom. The only expectation we have of each other is love and respect, and whether they know it or not, I would go to great lengths to protect them.

Another pet peeve the link above reminded me of are the step parents who go way overboard with making sure everyone knows they love their stepchild as their own. I've always felt that if you feel the need to say something of that nature repeatedly, you are most likely trying to either

A. Convince yourself

Or

B. Convince everyone else

Just relax, man. Just enjoy your stepparenthood for whatever it may be. Everyone else can go climb a tree! It's hard to share children. I have not had to share my biological children, so I can't say I know exactly what it feels like, but I share my step kids, and it is hard. When they are here, the family feels complete. It's not that we don't operate as a whole family in their absence, but when they are here there is an extra aura of completion to the circle of our family. We become the 7 of us, and that is different than the 5 of us. They are here and then they are not here. There are times they are not here for 2 whole weeks! 

Stepparenting is tricky. It can be trying and it can be genuinely rewarding, but let it be what it is. Be a stepparent, be the other mom or dad, be the best you can be, but don't pour sugar all over it. How can you see the beauty in something when it's smothered in gooey BS? Let it breathe and be real. I guarantee you it will blossom. It's a big responsibility to be a mother or father figure in a child's life who is not your own. Take pride in it and grow it into something beautiful. It never takes the place of the other parent, even if the other parent is not around. My son only knows my husband as dad, but it doesn't make him his biological father, it makes him his dad, a wonderful loving father figure in his life. I try to be a wonderful mother figure in my step children's lives. I'm here to listen, I'm here to teach. I'm here to give hugs and I'm here to tell them when something is not OK. I am another mom. 

In my experience as a stepparent, and even as a stepdaughter, (I had a great stepparent that proved to be a great example for me) I have learned to only focus on your relationship with the kids and your family as a whole. What is best for them and what their needs are. When you go worrying about everyone else and what they may think or not think, what to introduce yourself as, holding onto a label just to make others think or feel a certain way, or even worrying about a high conflict biological parent, it just takes away from your relationship with the kids and your family. Let it all go, the special names, the itch to control a situation that shouldn't be controlled, and the stress that you can easily cause yourself. Just love them, plain and simple, whether they are new to your life, or you've been raising them for years. Love them, make sure they know they are loved and there is trust among them. It's hard enough having a split home, especially when the parents have conflict. Be the rock that they need, be a good stepparent, not a silly, sugary name.

Big Family Zone - You Might Have a Big Family If...

I was thinking today about how different it was when I had only one child. I was a single mom with one boy. I suppose it was hard doing it alone, but it was also all I knew of parenthood. It was just him and I from the start.

When Louie and I moved in together and started having his son and daughter (my now step children) on a regular schedule, we all of a sudden had three kids! They were 5, 4, and 2 years old. It was new and felt like a lot of work!  The weekend would feel like a whirl wind of little loud voices, tattle telling, laughing, crying, arguing, hugs, scraped knees, bike rides, picky eating, and lots of love.

I was used to one kid. This meant one bath before bedtime, one meal to accommodate only one little person's pickiness. This was one kid to keep track of while out and about. This was the time of one kid to buy tokens for at an arcade. The time of throwing one birthday party a year. Bickering was never an element in our lives, as my son had no one to bicker with. I would soon learn that he is the most argumentative child I would have. A time of worrying about one kid's happiness and health was no more.

I remember the weekend that I had a realization. I was watching the three of them go from room to room, leaving trails of whatever they were getting their hands into. Toys and books were everywhere and without notice, they were off to the next thing! It was too much chaos and too much mess. It was then I realized that it needed management. I never thought of it that way with one child. Things were pretty simplistic, there was no need to make it more complex by adding unnecessary schedules. We had a nap and a bedtime, and he had daycare while I had work. Three little people though, with no management was chaos.

I know this is a crappy quality photo above, but this is the photo that depicts our life perfectly when we were new to three. We were tired, but happy, and had kids climbing all over us, some happy, some rowdy, and some grouchy. That was three.

I remember the very moment I had everyone clean up their mess to get ready to play with clay. I had them sit at the little Wiggles table together. It was time to play with clay. That was all we were doing and we would not be moving forward onto anything else until playing with clay was over and cleaned up. I immediately felt the confidence I needed to be a mother figure to three young kids when just the prior weekend I was the mother to only one. 

We moved on to dinner. After dinner we took turns on getting these three baths done. We read a story before bed, and we tucked our wild ones in. I have to admit, car rides were challenging. We were trying to squeeze three boosters into the backseat of my Chevy Malibu. It was hard to buckle, it provoked whining and arguing. Dad had a great idea to keep the belts buckled and let them slide in and tighten it up once they were in. This saved us, another wise management desicion. We continued to become better "managers" and adapted to our new roles as a step mom and a step dad and the dynamics that came with the territory.

A little over a year later, we found out we were having a baby together. A little girl. This meant four kids! To me, four kids was stepping into "big family" zone. I always felt that 1 or 2 kids was a "small family, and that 3 kids was "medium", but 4 and up? That was treading on territory where it could be possible that all the stockings may not fit on the mantel at Christmas!

That year was huge, I got married, I became a step mother to two children, I spent my pregnancy helping to care for my dad while he lost his battle to cancer, and I had my baby girl. We decided I would not return to work. I stayed home with the kids and we ended up buying our first home in a new town. This is where we decided to have one more baby. Five kids!

We were having a boy! He had two, I had one, then we had two together. His, mine, and ours. There is no doubt at the 5 kid mark that you are in the "big family" zone.

Here are some signs:

Making sandwiches for lunch requires an entire loaf of bread.

A regular size box of cereal will barely make breakfast happen. And neither will a gallon of milk.

No one likes the same veggie. Except corn on the cob, everyone likes that.

A normal size box of cheeze-its, will only last as a snack for one trip to the park, not a snack for the week.

You need a vehicle that has a third row.

When at local festivities, they already know to discuss what flavor smoothies (or other fun beverage) to agree on because we are NOT going to buy five over priced smoothies! It will be one for the boys, one for the girls, and one for the little guy to share with mom and dad.

There is lots of arguing. Like, a lot. It's mostly about the most stupid shit you could imagine. Other times I hear a valid argument and let both sides plead their case. There are 5 personalities that think they are right and often feel they have been wronged, so again, lots of arguing.

No matter how much arguing has occurred in a day, they will band together and stand up for one another like a small, loving Gang, if an outsider intends to do harm.

You don't invite many kids to the birthday parties you throw because your own children are like a small party already.

When everyone needs new shoes, it's a big deal.

No one likes dinner at the same time, ever. Someone, always, will say they don't like it.

Special one on one time can consist of running an errand with momma without your siblings, it does not have to include a stop at an ice cream shop or some special event, the focus truly is the alone time together. You cherish it as much as they do.

Picture day is a little hectic 😳

Laundry. That's all I have to say about that.

Showers are quite the process.

You develop a habit of counting your kids when you are out. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, OK" Then one veers off from the crowd, "1, 2, 3, 4, ...... Dammit! Where's your brother?!?!"

When you are out in public, no one has to use the bathroom at the same time, but at home everyone has to pee, causing an argument of who gets to go first.

People will make comments like "wow, you have your own basketball team", or "I don't know how you do it!", or maybe "you sure do have your hands full".

There are also people who make amazing comments like "good for you! You don't see as many big families anymore!", or "that is beautiful". 

Your house is exploding with love and diverse personalities.

There are so many smiles in a single day.

You never feel guilty about using the carpool lane.

Holidays are filled with extra love and joy, and lots of mugs of hot chocolate. 

Seeing your small, loving gang get along and love one another is a priceless beauty only you can understand.

Now don't get your panties all bunched. I am in no way implying that being parents of one or two kids is a piece of cake, I've been there and most of the above still applies, but I would say at 5 kids, it intensifies a bit and is always a little louder.

😉

I know a few parents who have more than 5 kids. I'm sure you can add some more signs of a big family to my list! 

For someone who doesn't like noise or mess, I sure do enjoy this large family we have created and teamwork it takes to keep it flowing. I wouldn't have it any other way.