THE MISCONCEPTION AND IMPORTANCE OF SELF LOVE

Photo by Cathal Mac an Bheatha on Unsplash

Self-love is a regular term in our home and something I am extremely passionate about. Personally, it is at the top of my list when it comes to parenting, and life in general. My biggest wish is self love for all, it brings peace, community, and independence all at the same time. I struggled with self love until later years, so I try to have it floating all over my children's world for them to become familiar with. I stress the importance of self love and how it requires an ongoing effort through out life. I feel like it is the most important gift I can give them. It's an umbrella to house all the other good stuff like self respect, respect for others, empathy, sensitivity, confidence, integrity, and so much more. We talk about knowing yourself and loving yourself. Knowing what you want and what you do not. We talk about how things are constantly changing. The weather changes, the seasons change, the world changes, and we change as individuals. It is important to keep track of who you are and who you are becoming and what parts of you have broken away to make room for growth.

I feel strongly that almost everything negative in life  (besides things completely out of our control) can be linked to lack of self love or improved with a deeper self love. Big things like addiction and keeping people in your life who bring negativity. Smaller, but still important things like self doubt and the way we react to stress or choose to create drama instead of resolution. If you put work into loving yourself deeper, you would not be so quick to allow these things for yourself. You wouldn't feel the need for other people to assist in your happiness. You would not be afraid to only do the things you want to do. You would feel happy and whole.

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash

I've been delighted to see that the term self love has made its way into classrooms, books, and social media. What concerns me, is that it is becoming a "thing" where many people are missing the mark. I think self love is often being mistaken for self care. Although self care is important and shows love for yourself it is not the same act as self love. Getting our hair and nails done is not self love. It is surface level self care. You could decide to never get your hair and nails done again and love yourself deeply, finding complete contentment in not doing these things anymore. Self love is loving yourself even without the hair done and make up on. Feeling love about who you are at your core. There is absolutely nothing wrong with some extra self care, I'll be partaking in some next week and enjoying every minute of it, but it is important to understand (especially for our daughters) that self love is internal. It is the voice in your mind and the feeling in your heart.

Weight can be a tricky one as well. It takes self care to keep our bodies in shape and it takes self love to love ourselves even when we are unhappy with our weight. Just that form of self care alone can be so hard to do for some reason. I am currently pushing myself with the motto of "love yourself enough to use more self care with your weight". Time to shed the lingering pounds that have become to comfortable hanging out. I am not happy with the extra weight, but I still love who I am at my core, the self. I can't say it isn't tempting at times to fell negative towards myself about it, but I choose to rise above that and keep loving.

Love yourself enough to stop allowing yourself to be a victim of life. Shitty things happen to all of us. Although I know for a fact that it can feel like certain things are more intense for you than others, that is simply not the case. Death happens and it's devastating, break ups and divorce happen and it's difficult and scary, but we all have the ability to cope in our own ways and move forward, learning to love the new parts of ourselves that these tough situations bring about. Huge changes occur and they take all of our energy and change all of our plans, love yourself enough to embrace it and see where it is leading you. Love yourself enough to let go of things and people that do not serve you. That can initially sound stuck up, but it is not. If there is something or someone in your life that does not serve you with something positive, they are taking up space. Love yourself enough to let them go. Love yourself enough not to react to things that do not deserve your energy and attention. Accepting and becoming fluid with change and choosing not to react when it is the healthier choice brings peace. When you love yourself, you know that you deserve peace. Love yourself enough to stop viewing life as things happening to you. 

We also have the glorification of busy these days. Please, I beg you, love yourself enough to only be as busy as you want to be. We are all busy in some form. Working, running a household, making time for hobbies, volunteer work, raising children (which may come with sports, parties, illnesses and other extracurricular activities), housework, errands, social life, these are all things that keep us busy. If allowing your kid to play soccer, baseball, AND take gymnastics and archery create a busyness that is causing stress, then don't do all those things. It really is that simple. The kids will be OK! They don't have to do everything. Maybe they could use some more down time too. Maybe it will bring them joy not to see mom or dad so stressed. Maybe they need more family movies and popcorn on the couch. If you love being on the go and it energizes you, by all means, do all the things, but if you find yourself complaining or even talking often about how busy you are and you are feeling victim to it, stop doing all the things! Do the things that bring you joy. There are always things to remove from your plate. I think we tend to feel obligated, but we need to stop that. Being busy doesn't make you more important or more valuable, we are literally all busy with something. Sometimes I am busy doing nothing. I am not available simply because I am busy doing nothing. Sometimes there is much more value in taking time do something quiet on your own, or taking time for meditation or binge watching some Netflix for a while. We must remind ourselves that if we feel too busy, we have the power (through self love) to change that.

Lastly, selfies are not self love. A selfie with no make up is not self love. A selfie is still surface level. Self love is internal and can and will present itself in your life when nurtured. A selfie is a selfie. It is a self taken photo of you that you want other people to see. If you're feeling fly, by all means, snap a selfie and post it. If you're digging yourself with no make up and you feel good about that, by all means, post it, but it's not #selflove. Self love is feeling great about being you and not worrying about that urge to show everyone. That's the wrong hashtag for the photo. I think I'd feel better about seeing #selflove on a photo of someone consuming organic vegetables. 

We can all use more self love. It is amazing, when given the effort, how you can watch it seep into all aspects of your life and make things easier. I'm no expert, but I've had and continue to have my own personal journey with self love and it is the key to happiness and growth. In the end that is what matters most. 

All the love (and self love), 

Caffeine and Freckles

Dear Little Sister

Little sister,

When you couldn't reach dishes from the cabinet, I would grab them for you. 

When you couldn't pronounce the words right, I would speak them for you. 

When you weren't sure what to wear, I would put it together for you.

When you were in trouble, I handled it for you.

When you were hungry, I cooked for you.

When you were offended, I raised Hell for you.

When you needed a ride, I drove you.

When there was a spider, you killed it. You know how I feel about spiders, there is no way I could help you there.

Tonight I sit with my stomach in knots for you. I sit and worry for you. I sit and think positive for you and conjure up peace for you.

Tomorrow is a big day for you. It's a scary day but, a hopeful and exciting day. I feel like I should be camped out at the hospital for a week in case you need something. I wish I could shoo this thing away. I wish I could call it's mother and tell it off for you. I wish I could ease all your worry and all of your pain. I wish I could drive you away from it and keep you safe from it. I wish I could bring dad to you.

You are strong and brave and been down a long road already. Keep going strong. Finish strong and show it who's boss. I'll see you in a few days.

I love you, Little Sister. I'm in your corner, cheering you on, where I always have been.

Love, 

your Big Sister.

 

Simple is Best - Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas, Caffeine and Freckles readers!

This has been the most simplistic Christmas, ever. I am in love with it.  

I dreaded the holiday as it approached. It brought me down a few times. Way down.

Christmas is a love-hate relationship for me. My husband says I've been like this since my father passed away. He may have a point, but I'm too stubborn to say so. There is so much love going around this time of year that it's hard not to fall into the sadness pit about all the love you miss. The hugs you won't get from the loved ones that aren't here, the smiles you won't see. You gotta feel your sad though to appreciate the happy. 

I hate the rush and the pressure. I hate all the consumerism. I hate the worry. I hate the push to be busy when all I want to do is be free but, this year I have had such a clear view of what I love. 

I love the time with family and friends. I love the expression of appreciation. I love the beautiful lights. I love pulling out the ornaments and the flood of memories and nostalgia that come with them. I love thoughtful gifts and special treats. I love the Christmas tree. I love watching my children's eyes light up at all the magical parts of this time of year. Oh, and I love gingerbread lattes too.

It was last minute mind you  but, usually when I am dreading the build up of something, I end up embracing it fully when it finally shows up. The magic of the Christmas season is all around us.

I always worry about the shopping. This year though, Amazon was a dazzling armored knight.  I ordered most of the gifts, free two day shipping from Amazon. No lines, no driving, I didn't even have to get dressed.

Last night was Christmas Eve, we have spent it with my mom's side of the family every year since I was a little girl. A simple dinner, one gift for each person (we're a small group), a Bloody Mary, and a good time. The cousins played and adults chattered. It was warm and relaxing and we were home before it got too late.

Tomorrow will be my husband's side of the family. A nice dinner, gift exchange, and spending time together. Three days of Christmas. We see everyone with no rush. We don't have to drive far and we still have a full day at home. I'm looking forward to Granny's baked chicken and seeing Auntie Lacy tomorrow.

This Christmas has a few firsts for us. This is the first Christmas we have stayed home all day AND not hosted.

This has to be the best year so far. The kids got up at their own pace. We saw what Santa brought and exchanged gifts. The kids got to play with their new stuff while I made coffee in my robe.  The man took off to pick up the older kids and when they got back it was time for Christmas breakfast. This year was french toast.  

There was no rush, no pressure, no worry. We did our tradition of Christmas letters that they each read aloud to brag about everything we are proud of them for and we gobbled up french toast and juice. Dominique LOVES the letters.

I have beans in the crock pot for our Christmas dinner, tostadas, beans, and rice, plus a whole organic chicken slow cooking away, at my daughter's request. I cleaned up the breakfast mess and randomly took a hot bath. No rush, no pressure. 

I've been slowly sipping on a bottle of vino since noon. I mean I'm using a wine glass and all, but it's slow sippin' and buzz surfing.  My dear friend, Kinisha calls it "The Slow Grind".  Slowly grind on that wine all day. It's a slow, natural feeling buzz. :-) It's a winner. Merry Christmas, Kisha!

The man is checking out his new headset for his game, the kids are riding new bikes, and playing with new toys, the dog is napping, and I'm doing my favorite thing....whatever I want! 

No rush, no pressure, no travel, no worry. I love the music, the wine, the kids, the freedom.I love these new leggings I'm wearing that I found at Old Navy for half off. It's a perfect day.  It feels good to be home. I feel truly relaxed and the chicken smells amazing. It feels like therapy.

Keep the focus on what really matters. Love, shelter, dreams, and ambition.

Happy holidays and Merry whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate to all of you. Soak in the love and carry it into the new year.

-Caffeine and Freckles

 

The Light

We are light.

We follow light.
We run from light.
We create light,
and extinguish light.

We bathe in light.
We hide from light.
We are inspired by light,
and we are blinded by light.

We cherish light.
We abuse light.
Light burns inside,
and light brightens outside.

Light brings peace.
Light brings fear .
Light is yours,
and what you make of it, dear.

Light is you and I. 

Light is night and day.
Light is ideas, goals, and dreams.
Light is failure, pain, and grief.

Light is your abandoned past,
and light is the open road ahead.

Light brings you home.
Light leads you astray.
Light speaks to you,
and tells you the way.

Light is scary.
Light is real.
Light is dark,
when you refuse to feel.

We breath light.
We drink light.
We dream of light.

Live light.

Make the little things big.

It has been a long, thoughtful week.  It has been full of a wide range of activities and feelings. There was friends coming together for casual fun with food and laughter.  There was death and deep empathy with a thoughtful celebration of life.  There was resentment and frustration, but the beauty of  awareness making it capable to let go.  There were future plans made in excitement.  There was stress and worry about deadlines with confirmations for peace of mind. There was the challenge of being calm when it would be so much easier to let the ego take over, even for just a little bit. There were memories that take us back to a beautiful place but leave you with a bit of sadness that the place is only a memory now. 

As we live life, more and more people and places become just a memory.  It's a difficult transition to adjust to. It's painful and sad.  You are broken for a while.  You gradually come back together, but never exactly the same as before, just good enough to keep on living and loving. In a way, you become harder, your scar tissue becomes a type of shell that is hard to puncture.  At the same time though, you become much  more sensitive, things aren't always so impenetrable once they've been broken, but always resilient. That in itself is a form of strong, being resilient. If you won't allow yourself to be broken and renew,  how strong can you really be?  When you won't allow yourself to fall apart, you are hiding from pain.  As scary as it may be, it is necessary.

We all have our deamons. Some move in and out of our lives like a storm, others play a daily role, not leaving our side for long. Small joys. I've found that small joys can play a large role if you let them. Small joys are big if you see them that way.  

For me it's been a few things. Some are for me, some are for me and my connection to my family, my connection to my husband or my connection to myself. 

A spontaneous trip to the park with the kids after school. It breaks up our normal routine enough to give me a much needed boost. It may be the sunshine, the kids arguing outside instead of indoors :-) or maybe just the change of scenery in general. 

Tea. I've been drinking a beautiful cup of hot tea several times a day. I used to drink tea occasionally, usually from a coffee cup. I only pulled the tea cups out when my mom would visit. There is something about the act of drinking tea that demands respect. It forces me to sit and collect myself for a while. You can't rush through a cup of tea. I am a rusher by nature, so if I could, I would, but again there is just something about hot tea that demands respect. It takes me to a quiet place in my mind (even with noise around me and that's difficult for me!) Not many things have the ability to calm my thoughts and ease my tensions, so if a tiny cup of tea can do it, I welcome it all day! I've learned to allow it to take me to a quiet, thoughtful place of reflection and peace. I guess in a way, I drink several cups of tea, in pretty little cups and saucers as a form of meditation. For two weeks I've been taking tea with me on the go as well, so I can get to that quiet place while I'm out and about.  It's a little thing and it's big for me.

 Find what little thing is big for you, and make it even bigger.

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The Revolving Door

I didn't feel the need this year to post a New Year's blog entry.  I would typically list my New Year's intentions to look back at them later in the year to see how well I had done at committing to them.  We all know this typically leads to at least a bit of disappointment.  You can make a change for some time but can easily revert back.  My approach this year is different.  I'm looking at the year still as a metaphoric fresh start, but more in the form of a revolving door.  I am in charge of what comes in and out and I want it full of the wonderful things and people I deserve.  Not just for the year, but for my way of thinking.

A revolving door continues to move.  People go in and out, and through. Sometimes things get stuck and need a little push as it can be confusing and sometimes downright intimidating. What is going on inside of the door is changing on a consistent basis, but it possesses the solidity of staying what it truly is.  It is your responsibility to keep yourself happy. No person or thing can do this for you. People and things can bring joy, but joy isn't much enjoyed if you are not already in a state of happiness.

My intentions will continue to be my intentions, but I will be comfortable with the fact that some days I will honor my intentions, and other days I may set them aside.  No disappointment.  Everyday is a revolving door.  Every day is a fresh start.  I will remain who and what I am and continue to have consistent changes going on inside. I think that if we all become more comfortable with change, in any form, we will become more light and accepting of ourselves.  That's where all the progress begins, with self love and self acceptance.  It will then become clear to you what you desire and what you chose not to tolerate in your revolving door of life. Go after what you deserve. We all deserve our best selves. The revolving door never closes, but if you keep a steady flow of positive people, feelings, and activities, it leaves no room for the negative to creep in. There is no reason left to lock it up and hide.

I deserve plenty of good, whole foods and healthy activity revolving through my door.  Juicing, yoga, walks, hula hooping, bike riding, physical therapy.  I'm going to bask in the days and moments I'm involved in this self loving effort and will not beat myself up emotionally for the days and moments I don't do as well.  I've noticed in the past when I get off track, lets say I end up at the donut shop instead of eating oatmeal at home.  Or after a week of yoga and treadmill I don't get any activity besides housework and normal daily tasks. Instead of being OK with this small change and continuing on through the revolving door, revolving back into my good habits, I let the negative in.  The door gets clogged up with negative feelings of guilt and disappointment.  You're angry at yourself for making a poor choice and you end up stuck there, why not just eat ANOTHER donut? I already messed up.  I chose not to live there anymore.  I will make a solid effort of self love, but a big part of that is being OK and forgiving of change, even if change is eating a donut.

This door holds more than eating habits and physical activity.  The door lets in and out the kind of influence you want in your life. We all deserve beautiful souls, pure intent, and clear agendas from others. If you don't want negative influence, leave no room for it to squeeze through the door.  Fill it with positive people, positive thoughts, and things that you love. Do what serves you.  Be what serves you. Mood can be difficult.  Enjoy your good moods and try embracing your bad moods. I find that when I recognize my bad mood for what it is I can attempt to let go and get back to a more level ground. Sometimes you just have to live out your bad mood, but live it out to its end and move forward.  Harboring is exhausting and non productive. If you cannot recognize the state you are in, you will not recognize the need for change.

The most difficult feeling for me in the past has been sadness and grief.  We usually label these as negative feelings.  In reality, whatever is making you feel these feelings is the true negative culprit, the feelings are honest and true. The source could be betrayal, worry, loss, anger, heartbreak, or maybe even plain old depression. Those are negative, but the sadness and grief, although painful are natural and necessary to work through the negative situation. Separate the feeling from the cause.

Maybe you are scared, maybe you feel abandoned, maybe you lost a loved one, maybe a loved one is suffering. Are you worried about making big decisions or changes? Most of these and similar situations are out of our control, which is hard all on its own. Maybe shutting down and being alone gets you though, maybe surrounding yourself with friends and family gives you that push, maybe you cry, perhaps you write or exercise, maybe you scream into a pillow, or maybe you plow forward, not allowing yourself to feel these emotions. For some people this is how they get through a tough time, they feel it later. Every one's door revolves at it's own speed and in its own way.  Be you and do your way, but take some time to be conscious of what is revolving around and within in you. We are resilient creatures. Pain can haunt and change us, but it always leaves you deeper and with a better understanding of yourself.

What are your desires for this year? Do you want to get out more? Do you want to stay in more?  Do you want to learn more? Do you want to react less? Do you want to get healthier? I want to write more, I want to learn more in regards to knitting, I want to be more active and eat well. I want to make more time for me. I want to meditate more and stress less. We have control over all of these things simply by being conscious of what comes in and out of our revolving door. Surround yourself with who and what you love.  Be clear, to yourself and others about exactly what you want and do not want. I cannot tell you how much this simplifies your life. The more you simplify the more your door will work as a well oiled machine. Clean and free of debris.

Happy Sunday, keep revolving.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/40650893@N04/6414291637">"Sometimes you have to forget what you want, to remember what you deserve." Unknown</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/100498911@N06/14164050480">Radical Self Love Bible | I Make Myself Happy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/16782093@N03/4390777470">Lübeck</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

Big Family Zone - You Might Have a Big Family If...

I was thinking today about how different it was when I had only one child. I was a single mom with one boy. I suppose it was hard doing it alone, but it was also all I knew of parenthood. It was just him and I from the start.

When Louie and I moved in together and started having his son and daughter (my now step children) on a regular schedule, we all of a sudden had three kids! They were 5, 4, and 2 years old. It was new and felt like a lot of work!  The weekend would feel like a whirl wind of little loud voices, tattle telling, laughing, crying, arguing, hugs, scraped knees, bike rides, picky eating, and lots of love.

I was used to one kid. This meant one bath before bedtime, one meal to accommodate only one little person's pickiness. This was one kid to keep track of while out and about. This was the time of one kid to buy tokens for at an arcade. The time of throwing one birthday party a year. Bickering was never an element in our lives, as my son had no one to bicker with. I would soon learn that he is the most argumentative child I would have. A time of worrying about one kid's happiness and health was no more.

I remember the weekend that I had a realization. I was watching the three of them go from room to room, leaving trails of whatever they were getting their hands into. Toys and books were everywhere and without notice, they were off to the next thing! It was too much chaos and too much mess. It was then I realized that it needed management. I never thought of it that way with one child. Things were pretty simplistic, there was no need to make it more complex by adding unnecessary schedules. We had a nap and a bedtime, and he had daycare while I had work. Three little people though, with no management was chaos.

I know this is a crappy quality photo above, but this is the photo that depicts our life perfectly when we were new to three. We were tired, but happy, and had kids climbing all over us, some happy, some rowdy, and some grouchy. That was three.

I remember the very moment I had everyone clean up their mess to get ready to play with clay. I had them sit at the little Wiggles table together. It was time to play with clay. That was all we were doing and we would not be moving forward onto anything else until playing with clay was over and cleaned up. I immediately felt the confidence I needed to be a mother figure to three young kids when just the prior weekend I was the mother to only one. 

We moved on to dinner. After dinner we took turns on getting these three baths done. We read a story before bed, and we tucked our wild ones in. I have to admit, car rides were challenging. We were trying to squeeze three boosters into the backseat of my Chevy Malibu. It was hard to buckle, it provoked whining and arguing. Dad had a great idea to keep the belts buckled and let them slide in and tighten it up once they were in. This saved us, another wise management desicion. We continued to become better "managers" and adapted to our new roles as a step mom and a step dad and the dynamics that came with the territory.

A little over a year later, we found out we were having a baby together. A little girl. This meant four kids! To me, four kids was stepping into "big family" zone. I always felt that 1 or 2 kids was a "small family, and that 3 kids was "medium", but 4 and up? That was treading on territory where it could be possible that all the stockings may not fit on the mantel at Christmas!

That year was huge, I got married, I became a step mother to two children, I spent my pregnancy helping to care for my dad while he lost his battle to cancer, and I had my baby girl. We decided I would not return to work. I stayed home with the kids and we ended up buying our first home in a new town. This is where we decided to have one more baby. Five kids!

We were having a boy! He had two, I had one, then we had two together. His, mine, and ours. There is no doubt at the 5 kid mark that you are in the "big family" zone.

Here are some signs:

Making sandwiches for lunch requires an entire loaf of bread.

A regular size box of cereal will barely make breakfast happen. And neither will a gallon of milk.

No one likes the same veggie. Except corn on the cob, everyone likes that.

A normal size box of cheeze-its, will only last as a snack for one trip to the park, not a snack for the week.

You need a vehicle that has a third row.

When at local festivities, they already know to discuss what flavor smoothies (or other fun beverage) to agree on because we are NOT going to buy five over priced smoothies! It will be one for the boys, one for the girls, and one for the little guy to share with mom and dad.

There is lots of arguing. Like, a lot. It's mostly about the most stupid shit you could imagine. Other times I hear a valid argument and let both sides plead their case. There are 5 personalities that think they are right and often feel they have been wronged, so again, lots of arguing.

No matter how much arguing has occurred in a day, they will band together and stand up for one another like a small, loving Gang, if an outsider intends to do harm.

You don't invite many kids to the birthday parties you throw because your own children are like a small party already.

When everyone needs new shoes, it's a big deal.

No one likes dinner at the same time, ever. Someone, always, will say they don't like it.

Special one on one time can consist of running an errand with momma without your siblings, it does not have to include a stop at an ice cream shop or some special event, the focus truly is the alone time together. You cherish it as much as they do.

Picture day is a little hectic 😳

Laundry. That's all I have to say about that.

Showers are quite the process.

You develop a habit of counting your kids when you are out. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, OK" Then one veers off from the crowd, "1, 2, 3, 4, ...... Dammit! Where's your brother?!?!"

When you are out in public, no one has to use the bathroom at the same time, but at home everyone has to pee, causing an argument of who gets to go first.

People will make comments like "wow, you have your own basketball team", or "I don't know how you do it!", or maybe "you sure do have your hands full".

There are also people who make amazing comments like "good for you! You don't see as many big families anymore!", or "that is beautiful". 

Your house is exploding with love and diverse personalities.

There are so many smiles in a single day.

You never feel guilty about using the carpool lane.

Holidays are filled with extra love and joy, and lots of mugs of hot chocolate. 

Seeing your small, loving gang get along and love one another is a priceless beauty only you can understand.

Now don't get your panties all bunched. I am in no way implying that being parents of one or two kids is a piece of cake, I've been there and most of the above still applies, but I would say at 5 kids, it intensifies a bit and is always a little louder.

😉

I know a few parents who have more than 5 kids. I'm sure you can add some more signs of a big family to my list! 

For someone who doesn't like noise or mess, I sure do enjoy this large family we have created and teamwork it takes to keep it flowing. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dear Dad,

It has been a long time since I have had such a strong urge to pick up the phone and call you. Sure, it has crossed my mind tons of times how great it would be to call you, I even dream about calling you. Although in my dreams when I call, you are sick and lonely and I fall apart realizing that I forgot about you, leaving you to care for your dying self, alone. I try to get to you but you seem uninterested. I hate those dreams. I wake up feeling horrible and lonely and ashamed. The dreams where you visit me though, those I cherish. Although my heart is broken when I wake up to remember the reality that you are gone, I still have the warmth of your brief subconscious visit. 

Tonight though, tonight I held my phone in my hand wanting to call. I felt just for a moment that I really could call you, I almost felt years of relief rush into my heart at the idea. I was excited and confused at the idea, in disbelief. Then of course, reality set in. Disbelief is the reality because I will never speak to you on the phone again, only in my dreams.

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I saw you and other days it feels like the many years it has been. 

It seems like there is something about when the season changes. I get extra sensitive, I need you more and the fact that you are gone seems more real than most days. Maybe because a new season is about change. The weather changes, the activities change, the clothing changes, drinks and food change. You being gone never changes. You continue to stay gone. I want you back so badly and I'm helpless about it. There is nothing I could do or say or write. There are no amount of tears or yelling. I know you are here with me, but it sure would be nice to have a hug once in a while, a hug from my dad, your huge hands patting my back.

As I sit on the porch writing this in tears, the weather is changing around me. It's windy and cool. I'm changing. I'm open and raw but, you being gone remains the same. As the season sets in I will feel better. It won't be something new without you anymore, it will just be Fall. 

Everything that is new without you is hard. A new house, a new baby, a new experience, new excitement, new fear, new surgeries, new hobbies, but no you.

In a way it teaches awareness and appreciation. Maybe  I wouldn't see things so deeply and mindfully if you were still here. They wouldn't be so new. They wouldn't be so noticeably different than before you were gone. 

I remember when you were sick and Spring set in. I remember having a hard time with it. I remember you asked the Chaplain to come talk to Sarah and I with you, about you dying. I recall bursting into tears about the fact that it was Spring and you never come visit much anymore and last Spring you came over all the time. You, being the sweetheart that you were, tried soothing me and apologizing for not visiting. I laughed through tears and said "no, no of course you can't come visit much, that's why we come visit you. It's just something I notice about the season changing and you aren't at my house as much, it's just new and I hate it". I did not know that it would feel new to me every season for this many years. I still hate it, but it does spark wonderful memories. 

I just found myself feeling so sad and lonely holding my phone in my hand realizing I couldn't call you when it felt, just for a moment that I could. So instead I wrote. I wrote it out and freed it all to the new Spring wind outside. 

Yolanda stopped by just as I was done crying it out in the bathroom (my favorite crying place). As I sat and listened to her talk I couldn't help but think about how she was initially going to have you walk her down the isle at her wedding. The thought was comforting, like your huge man-hand patting my back hugs or the way you always called me "Girl". What a great and noble thing. She didn't know you long, but she knew you were great and loving, and that your smile was always real. She knew you treated her well and adored her husband to be. She knew because those things were easy to see in you. 

Thanks for taking my mind off of sadness Yoli, even if you didn't know it. ;-)

So I feel more calm again. I feel relieved to finish up all those intense emotions (for now). I'll hope for a visit from you in my dreams. 

I miss you dad, like, a lot.

All my love, 

Jenny ("Girl")