We made the move! CA to UT

Well, we did it. We made the move. We lifted our born and raised roots from California and planted them in Utah soil.

This is more like a journal entry, so if you want to hear me ramble on about my experience so far, keep reading. :)

I have to say I would have never in a million years thought I would end up in Utah. I worried a little that I was a pinch too liberal for Utah. What if I found myself drowning in heavy duty conservative sauce? (I love everyone, I am just not always so conservative when it comes to my beliefs) Was there going to be creative outlets for me that are a little "different"? Was it going to be culturally diverse enough? This is important to me. I grew up surrounded by diversity, it gifted me tolerance and openness, along with a thirst and appreciation for learning about other cultures and I want the same gift for my children.

Our first week here in our new home was giddy. I love the house, I love the yard, and I love the neighborhood. There is usually something romantic (in an organizational way, if you're into that) about unpacking a house. You either love it or hate it. I found joy in it. A week of deciding what would go where, what I no longer had room for, what I could use differently, and so on. There is still some excitement left in that area as I still need to buy a desk and a few dressers. I had welcoming family members and a dear friend, (we will call her Cookie) nearby. I was full of energy and smiles.

The second week morphed into something completely different. It started off exciting, Beeb started at her new elementary school and Bub started at his new Junior High School. They both had a great first week and made friends and I still had a week of little man Booski home with me before he started kindergarten. I was so happy for them that they were adjusting so well and jumping right in, so what was my problem? I felt lethargic. When I say lethargic, I mean I felt like I absolutely HAD to lie down every day. It was as if my legs were dragging behind me. If I didn't have the change in altitude to blame, I would have thought there was something seriously wrong with me. This lasted for almost two weeks! I felt exhausted, I felt down and depressed, and I felt lonely. It's not that I wanted to be around anyone either, I wanted to be alone because I felt lonely and shitty. I know and trust my feelings enough to know it was just my way of adjusting to a big change. It was confusing at first, why would I feel like shit when the change was my choice and I felt so positive about it? I had to remind myself that change is change. Good or bad, change can be rough. It can be ugly. A butterfly goes through a mess of shit before changing into such a beautiful creature.

Another dear friend, my "bosom buddy", reminded me that I can look at this change as a brand new start. I could do anything. I could be excited about it! She was right, I have an opportunity right now to do what I want with my time, to an extent. I have a few hours to myself during the day (2 hours and 45 minutes to be exact) while little Booski is in school, my classes haven't started up yet, so besides the regular busy-ness of day to day errand running, cleaning, yelling at dogs, cooking and all that fine stuff, I could start new and do new things with my time. I miss my breakfast with the bosom buddy, I miss coffee dates and walks, I have to start over and do things for me, with me. I also knew I needed to get active to help this lethargic state. I want to get in shape and lose weight and I want to have my energy back and there is no excuse not to.

First things first is trying new things. Here I was worried that I wouldn't find my kind of "things" out here. I live only 30 minutes from Salt Lake City, there is everything! There is diversity, there is natural food stores, there are meditation groups, kundalini yoga classes, there are groups that meditate and eat vegetarian dinners in the park, there are kick ass coffee shops, and brilliant restaurants. I want to try it all! These are some of the things that I wanted in California, but being in the central valley, some of these things and ideas were a distance away making it difficult to be a part of it. All of this goodness right at my fingertips!

Here's what I did first. I signed up at the gym. I'm not really a gym-girl. It easily feels intimidating, or testosterone-y. Plus my hip is still partially fractured so I'm not always sure what my limits are. The gym in town though, has a few things I thougtht I could really benefit from. First, daycare. I can leave Booski to play while I do something for myself. Second, classes. They have a ton of classes. I have craving a new sense of community, especially in the health area. So far I've done the yoga class, Pilate's, step, and I plan on trying kickboxing and zumba. It turns out the step class was advanced. When I left there, I felt like I had just done crossfit. Crazy intense, not what I expected. I plan on going every Friday and letting it kick my ass. Third, a sauna. Come on, a sauna. Tons of beautiful moist heat wrapped around your tired muscles. Love. Love. Love. There is a pool and a hot tub, and a steam room too but I mostly dig the sauna. Anyway, I'm becoming an exercise class junky and it has fixed my lethargic ways this last week. Now when I'm tired it is because I worked out, not because I'm depressed and in a higher elevation. It lifts my mood, my energy, and my motivation. Utah's slogan is "Utah, life elevated." It certainly is elevated, the inside of my nose is dry and bloody and I have to use my inhaler more often, but I will take that slogan and run with it on a more personal level, as if the inside of my nose wasn't personal enough for you.

Next I signed up for a meditation class in SLC. I have been meditating at home for a few years but I have always wanted to try a group meditation. This was a particular type, Sahaja Meditation. Anything to help awake the kundalini sounds worth a try to me. I invited Cookie to come along and check it out. It was more instructional than I had hoped for, was looking for more meditation than instruction but I did learn a lot more about the chakras and the history of Sahaja and how it relates to yoga and unity. The group setting is definitely a great addition to my practice. I already found some other meditation classes Cookie, so get ready!

I've set aside time for my kundalini yoga practice at home, my sacred cup of coffee with a side of mountain views, a gym class a few days a week, and quality time with Booski before he goes to afternoon kindergarten. By the end of week three I was feeling more balanced. I've been back to making freezer meals to make life easier. There is something about looking in the garage freezer and seeing meals ready to thaw and cook that makes me fill up with joy. It makes me feel like I have my shit together or something, I'm prepared, I'm ready, and I don't really have to cook.

The more I browsed around on Meetup, the more I could see that while being a conservative state (there are plenty of conservative things about me, just not as a whole) there are a multitude of groups and activities to get involved in. I felt less alone already.

Let's talk about the white people.

Were my children going to be constantly surrounded by white people and forget about how beautiful it is that the world is full of different poeple and history and cultures? It started to weigh on me much heavier than I thought it would. At the end of my second week here, as I was leaving Costco in Salt Lake City, I heard a woman speaking to her children in Spanish. My eyes immediatly filled with tears. It felt like the woman was hugging me. One of those deep, cleansing hugs that only some poeple know how to give. I felt like I was at home, hearing a Mexian woman speak to her children in Spanish. It may sound silly but it meant the world to me. I talked to my best friend since 7th grade (we will call her "my Janet") on my drive home. She reassured me that it was normal, that she went through similar feelings when she moved from our hometown to an area that was pridominently white. 

During week three I got out a lot more. Trips to Salt Lake City and errands in town showed me that there was more diversity than I had first thought. It made me feel more at peace with the whole thing. It makes me realize just how diverse and differnt California can be. A piece of my heart will always be there in CA, but I am embracing Utah with open arms and as of week 4, with more normal energy levels and motivation.

So here we are at one month after moving in. After a roller coaster of feelings I feel the balancing taking place. I feel like I am exploring and settling in. I feel happy about everything there is to offer here. All of the outdoor fun, the classes, the education, the family and sense of community. It's all here.

I have to say that our family here is amazingly supportive and loving. They regularly show that they want to help and support us, they want to spend time and make memories with us, and that they love us and our children. It's absolutly heart warming. It makes a big change that much easier.

What ever change you are going through, remember to be paitent with it. It could be big lifestyle changes, moving, a new job, starting school or even small changes. Small changes can affect you more than you think. Grief stricken changes like death are probably the most challenging, but you will get through it. You will not be the same afterwards, but you will get through it and figure out the new you. Allow yourself to feel like shit, really. As long as you are aware of what is going on with you, you will be able to move past it and take something with you. Just about everything can involve self discovery. Through the good and the bad, keep doing you.

Friendships. Old Friends, New Friends, Changed Friends.

Isn't it much different making friends as an adult compared to let's say being a kid, or being in High School, or even a young adult?  I cherish that I have many friendships of different kinds.  I've had my friendships that will be alive forever.  The ones that have been with you for so many stages of your life.  I have three dear friends that I met in Junior High that I still consider my "best friends".  We could go for long stretches without talking but it is mutually understood that we love one another unconditionally and are friendship isn't going anywhere, it's here to stay. These are the women that knew me as a teenager, they know all about my rebellion, my sweetness, my mistakes, the pain I have been through, and the happiest moments of my life.  I know all of theirs as well.  We go for long periods of time when life gets busy and we don't talk and then there are times we make time to talk or visit.  We are at weddings, funerals, births, the important moments tie us together a little tighter with each one.  There is something about my old school "best friends" that ground me when I see them.  Maybe it reminds me of the younger care free girl I was, or the growth I've experienced since the old times. It's a special bond to carry a friendship through so many stages.

Then I made some friends as a young adult.  Some we try to keep in touch and a few of us are still very close.  We partied hard together, consoled one another after break ups, talked for hours about life and our ideas, hung out every weekend, and sometimes became more than friends. These are friends that were there during a very wild, confusing part of life.  We were all on the verge of becoming real adults that would soon jump into the real world of responsibilities. We then watched one another mature, meet our spouses, settle down, some of us had children.  We shared special times together when there was parts of us alive that aren't there any more because we have tamed ourselves (yes, I was a wild one at times, dealing with some demons the only way I knew how). Some of these friends knew that, or figured it out, they know parts of me that new friends do not. These friends were all a part of vital time in life during the gateway to becoming a real adult, and I love them to pieces. Both sets of friends would be the ones to notice that after losing my father a big piece of me was gone for a while.  The funny girl was gone.  My laugh and smile were gone unless I forced them out.  I wasn't me for a while.

Then we have the new friends.  The friends I made since moving to a new place 6 years ago.  I met them when I was trying to get myself back.  I sometimes wondered if they would ever know the funny girl who laughed a lot.  I'm happy to say she came back and they know her well. 

I was lucky to make many.  The process was different though.  I met many people all at once, making it very difficult to see who was a real friend and who was more of a friendly acquaintance. It took time. We were all adults, we were all mothers, we all had a common ground.  This in itself gave me the illusion that everyone was at the same maturity level and understanding of friendship. This does not mean we were all meant to be close friends, which some did not grasp.  There were times I trusted when I shouldn't have. There was times I shared things and shouldn't have.  There were times when I could tell I was being put in the middle of things.  There were times when I knew there was jealousy from others for becoming close to particular people.  It amazed me how much effort and energy this took!  To deal with all of these feelings and emotions from everyone else, and watching them do the same.  We all seemed to exhausted, and it wasn't just from taking care of kids all day. I was dumbfounded when I would learn that this group of ladies would talk about that group of ladies.  Or when someone claimed to be a friend to another, but when one negative thing was said about her, she ditches her all together.  I've made a friend only to have her drop me like a hot cake with no explanation when I was under the impression that she cared about me and our friendship for quite some time.  I saw a lot of heart break happen and it was sad.   I didn't see it right away. All I saw was how great it was to have this support system of women.  It was new to me and it was priceless. We are grown women, with children, I would have never anticipated the drama and complexity this large circle entailed. 

It got complicated.  If I hung out with one small group, it seemed to be an issue when I hung out with another small group without including everyone.  This was not in any way based around me, just in general I saw it happen to many people. People started to group us all as one solid person, forgetting that we are individuals who have different relationships with each other.  We didn't need to always be "the 4 of us" or the "3 of us", everyone is their own person and can spend their time how they please without it offending anyone.  I had came into this group of wonderful women with the idea that we were all mature, we were all adult women with children.  I was so surprised at how much sensitivity, jealousy, and insecurities were flying around.  It opened my eyes. When I first became aware I was turned off by it.  I am the type that if I feel even slightly smothered or hunted, I disappear.  I need my freedom and alone time, with any relationship.  I am independent and I sometimes don't feel social at all.  I don't ever want to feel obligated to anyone just to make them feel better. I spent a good portion of my life people pleasing and I'm on the road to retirement from that.  I can't do needy and I can't have someone not respecting my time as well as their own.  I have bigger fish to fry in the world like the focus on my marriage, my family, my passions, and my goals to worry about who is kicking it with who or what passive-aggressive comment might be meant towards who on Facebook.

However, after feeling disappointed and even angry about some of these behaviors, and after backing away from it all, I started to see it in a new light.  I realized that I needed to see people for who they are.  Some people are very sensitive.  Some people have debilitating insecurities.  Some people easily feel rejected.  I have come too far to go accommodating every one's personal needs before my own, but I could become understanding.  I had to understand that some of my friendships would change and that that was OK. Some friendships would become more like friendly acquaintances.  Some friends you may not spend time with anymore but running into them and exchanging a big hug and "how are ya?" is wonderful. Some friendships would become distant but still loyal if ever either of us were in need of help or praise. Some became lifelong friendships that I don't know what I would do without.  Some became nothing and some became questionable.  Some would take too much effort and it shouldn't be that hard.  Some would be tested and some would be forced.  Some you just have to let fade. In younger  years when friendships were no longer their was usually huge drama behind it. As an adult it's important to realize and accept change, it's so much easier on the heart. There are those times when things get dirty and friendships end with high emotion and that is unfortunate.

I've seen friends that went from being as tight as they come to becoming fake-friendly acquaintance. I've seen close friends become strangers.  I've seen people who weren't so sure about each other become a tight knit pair.  

It's more complicated as adults, we are focused on family, marriage, we are experiencing deaths, tragedies, special events, we are learning that we can't always rely on the people we thought we could, there is so much going on in this stage of life, we really need our friends.  With how connected we all are now through social media, we tend to compare ourselves.  We see the posts from the mom who complains about being so busy all the time, even though we are all busy in our own ways and some choose to stay so busy.  There are the posts that brag about all the great donating and volunteering they do, making sure everyone knows how wonderful they are.  There are the posts about how wonderful their marriage is, when they may have just made up after a huge fight.  Its not real.  Real is being there for someone and knowing them, not their posts on the Internet. My advice would be not to worry so much.  You do what you do. There is no one you  need to keep up with.  Do what feels right for you and your family.  No one needs to be a certain way, we are all different and that's what makes great friendships, loving the differences in each other.  Follow your gut on who is true to you.  Don't expect to be a part of everything. If  your friendships are real there shouldn't be a reason to feel insecure.  Is this person there for you when you are in need?  When you ask their advice, do they give it to you straight?  Are you hanging out because you enjoy  your time together, or because you want to post it on social media for someone else to see?  Do they care about your feelings?  My biggest factor in a friend, a close friend that I trust, is are they real?  Are they the same person all the time, no matter who is around? Are they honest? Maybe they are not, that's OK too, I can still like them and enjoy their company now and again and love things about them.

Easier said than done, but try not to be hurt when friendships change.  Be hurt if it hurts, but try to move on. Remember that life is constantly changing and people come in and out of our lives for so many reasons. When you have a few people who offer you the support of caring about you.  The support of encouraging  your dreams, the support of a helping hand and an open ear. The support of being real and sharing laughs. Friends that understand when you need to be alone. The support of keeping your secrets.  The support of being genuinely happy for your accomplishments, this is the good stuff.  This is what friends, of all types are made of.

The whole experience of old friends, new friends, lost friends, and changed friends has been important.  Once you understand that it is all a part of the circle of life you can see the good in it all rather than feel upset or let down. I don't regret a single friendship, however or long or short lived it was. Even when things end, there was something to be learned. 

So keep making friends!  Keep your close friends dear to your heart, offer big genuine smiles to your friendly acquaintance friends and be open to new friends, keep it simple.  Once things get too complex it will eventually become toxic.