The Day it Changed

It has been almost five years since my husband and I agreed that I would not return to work from maternity leave.  I had been off of work since about my fifth month of pregnancy to help care for my father who was battling a rare cancer.  Cancer won just less than a month before I had my daughter.

We decided I would stay home to avoid the daycare costs and be able to be with the kids.  Having been a single mom before, I never had thought this opportunity would never be available to me.  I was nervous.  Was I making the right decision?  Would the financial struggle be worth it?  Would I miss my job?  My son was 3 years old and went to preschool for about 4 hours in the afternoon.  My daughter was a newborn baby.  I was recovering from an emergency C-section and I was drowning in grief over the loss of my father.

I woke up every morning, looked at my daughter's beautiful face, and cried lonely, confusing tears.  I felt like I had traded one for the other and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. 

We had no routine in place, it wasn't chaos, but we did not have a schedule besides a nap and bedtime.  I wasn't sure what exactly I was supposed to be doing. I had always felt confident in my motherhood from day one, but this stay-at-home motherhood was foreign to me. 

After a few months I found a local group of moms who joined together about once a week.  I did not know anyone in the town I lived in besides my in-laws.  I felt brave that I was going to show up to this play group and meet people all by myself.  I contacted them, and I showed up.  Everyone was really nice.  The kids all got to help make cookies, they played in the host's play room, and we all had lunch together.  There was nothing bad about it, but I never returned.  I felt unable to make friends.  I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore.  I knew who I was before my dad got sick, I knew myself well.  I was fun, I was funny, I was happy, and I was me.  It took a lot to make me laugh now, I didn't smile all that much, I was very high strung, and I was lost.  I felt like I had nothing to say to anyone about anything.  My mind was busy processing how fucking sad I was, how my heart ached and I knew that there was nothing anyone could do to make it feel better.  I was not in control.  I could not make my dad better, I could not enjoy much of my pregnancy, I could not bring him back, and I could not make myself feel happy.  It was a dark and lonely place.

I remember the day that my whole vision of being a stay-at-home mom changed.  We had bought a home in Patterson.  Logan started kindergarten, and Dominique was about a year old when I was invited to a members meeting for a local chapter of MOMS Club.  It wasn't quite the same as the group I experienced before.  This was a well organized chapter that was a part of an International non profit organization. 

I attended the meeting with a friend I had made at my son's school.  She had told me about the club and had invited me to check it out with her.  The meeting was run professionally by the board members while the children had toys and a craft to keep them busy.  It felt comfortable, I felt ready to make friends.

Julie Gordon, at that time the President of MOMS Club of Patterson introduced herself to the group.  She shared that she had older children, as well as a 3 year old girl. She shared that she is still involved with the the Coast Guard, she shared that she is working on a campaign for her husband, she shared that she is a substitute teacher, she shared that she has been involved in MOMS Club for many, many years, helping another chapter to sister this chapter into existence.  She shared that she is involved in other community events and she shared her love of MOMS Club and how it was a huge factor in her sty-at-home motherhood.

I'm pretty sure I was sitting there with my mouth hanging open.  I was in awe.  It was challenging to wrap my mind around the fact that she does all these fulfilling projects that benefit herself and others. She was not just a stay-at-home mom.  She was all kinds of things and she loved it!  She knew who she was and what she loved.  She wasn't too shy to tell people what she didn' like either.  I soaked this all up, I felt excited.  I felt excited for her and I felt excited for myself that I had realized I could be doing so many things, more things that I had time for when I worked even.  I knew I had this Julie-momentum inside of me.  It was burried under all the scar tissue of my broken heart.  I wanted to GO like her, I wanted to be busy doing important things like Julie was.  I started thinking, If I was busy doing things I liked, maybe I wouldn't have as much time to think about how fucking sad I was. 

A few months later, the board had asked if I was interested in running for Administrative Vice President for the MOMS Club board.  I was surprised by there request, but I knew this was probably my ticket into Julie-hood!  I said yes right away. 

Louie was shocked when I told him.  I remember being flattered to hear him say "Who joins a club and almost immediately is asked to be the VP?".  That question made it sound as if my wonderful qualities just poured out of me for all to see.  I didn't want to tell him that in reality they needed to fill the position and had a hard time getting people to nominate.  I mean I'm sure the fact that I seemed like a level headed person and I attended activities regularly helped, but there weren't many others to ask.  That's OK though, I was excited!

I did not know what I was doing in my role, but I learned along the way.  Working with the other 4 women on the board was a cherished experience.  I got to know them, I had responsibilities other than housework, diapers, and lunches, people were counting on me that were old enough to make their own lunch, it was awesome!  I had a third baby about half way through the VP term, which had me a little lazy about my VP duties. I did not feel completely accomplished, but I felt it was a sturdy stepping stone to becoming Julie-rific.

I blossomed.  The next year I ran for Presidency. I dove right in.  I created new activities to liven things up, I created  procedures to simplify things, and I had a wonderful supportive board to back me up.  My VP was a power house of a right hand man.  We were power team and we got things done.  Although I would not have thought so the year before, being a leader felt natural.  I was comfortable in my new skin.  Mid year I started my own little side business, making pedestal plates.  I did some boutiques and I sold them through a Facebook page I had created.  I felt it was Julie-ish of me to take on another project while being so engaged in another.  I like it. 

That same month, the State Coordinator for MOMS Club informed me that she wanted to recommend me for an open Big Sister position with International MOMS Club.  I was flattered and I dove right in.  I was given the position and was now the Big Sister to three other MOMS Club chapters. 

Later that year I decided to dabble in homeschooling for my second grader.  We did it for a trimester and he did end up going back to public school.  It was an experience I would never undo.  It was challenging, it was fun, it was exhausting, and it was worth it.  I learned a lot about Logan and a lot about myself.  Al focus was turned to school.  The houseplants died, I was constantly trying to keep the baby occupied, and Dominique was thirsty for more attention.  I decided for my own sanity, I would put him back in school.  I did a great job and we enjoyed it together.

I wasn't until my term as President was over that I realized the extent of my Julie-ness.  Wow, I was really busy.  People would ask how I did it, or say how they never could.  It's not true though, they could do it.  Being that busy was just how I had began to function, it was normal.  I had friends, and my babies, and my motherhood.  I had my business to get creative with, I had my board position to fulfill.  I had my step children and I had my husband.  I feel like that year in particular I was growing at a rapid pace.  Growing into my thirties and it was starting to fit well.

This year I have chose to slow down.  Not because I do not love it, but because all the busy and the growing has allowed me to learn about myself, and what I love and what I do not like.  I realized that I want to write, I realized that I want to learn how to relax and slow down.  I want to be busy when I want to.  I want to dig into my thirties and pull out wonderful treasures.  So now I am "busy" doing that.

I told this story to a friend I made in the club.  She told me how ironic it was because when she joined the club I was President and she felt that same way about me.  So I guess I did it.  I julie-fied myself!  Others were actually in awe of my Jenny-ness.  What a wonderful cycle! 

My role as a stay-at-home mom has drastically changed since it first started.  It was all about how I felt emotionally.  Moving to Patterson was a very positive part of our lives.  I have never felt such a sense of community and been surrounded by support of all kinds. 

Thank you Julie Gordon.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for being so Julie that it shined bright enough to push my clouds away, making me see opportunities more clearly.   It made all the difference in the world to me, and my family.

Facebook "friends" - holds way too much meaning

I recently deleted many Facebook friends.  Not out of anger, sadness, or even frustration.  I was simply trying to clean it up and make it more of what it is, a social network.  I didn't need it to mimic real life.  I have a real life.  It is filled with friends, acquaintances, and family.

I think we can all agree that Facebook has become a massive connection to one another.  So much so, that most of us follow people on Facebook more than we actually talk to or visit them.  On one hand, this is great.  You can't see everyone on a regular basis, but you can online.  Facebook allows us to keep in touch from afar, to see what people are up to, share photos, vent for everyone to hear, share happy moments.  We live busy lives and it is easier to sit at the computer than take time out to call.

On the other hand, it becomes so consuming.  You get addicted to checking on Facebook.  You spend so much time on it that you could have made several phone calls already.  Sometimes the things you read are negative, unpleasant, or even offensive, but yet we go back for more.  Sometimes people  can be a too interested in what you are up to.

I had made the decision to just scale down my "friends" on Facebook, not in real life!  There is a difference! If I have a true issue with someone and felt the need to discuss it with them, I would do just that.  Some people I didn't feel the need to have as "friends", for several reasons.  Some are not so active on Facebook anyway, some I see often in real life, some I am associated with in other real life social networks, and others, well we simply don't communicate much on Facebook.  I didn't want to feel the need to be so connected artificially.  I'm a real woman, I would prefer to connect in a real way.

It's a shame that people will take this so personally.  I'm not surprised as it seems to be the way things are in our Facebook world these days, but it still is sad.  People talking about it, trying to get more information as to "why" or "what is going on with her?", as if I have to be going through something negative to do something like that.  I am going through something alright, I am freeing myself from all this over connectivity, plain and simple.

I kept family, I kept some high school people, I kept far away friends, and I even kept some friends and acquaintances that I do see on a somewhat regular basis for my own reasons.  It does not have to be a negative action.  For me it was the opposite. 

Alone and Enlightened

I'm one month into my "New Year's Intentions" and they are coming along beautifully. More has happened in one month than I had hoped for. These may not seem major, but they are personal majors.  They are little things that I have slowly worked on for years that have seemed to be sealed off in the past few weeks. It feels refreshing; it feels new, it feels shiny.

I have always admired people that say no when they feel like it, with no excuse attached to it. People that speak up clearly and passionately when they feel something is wrong, even if no one else is, or if it is in argument to someone else. I have always wanted to cut or loosen ties to people who may have negative influence in my life.

I would say in the last several years I feel perfectly confident to argue my point on things. I also have learned when it is better to just leave it alone. It is indeed a game of "choose your battles". In the past year or so I have become completely comfortable saying "no", simply because I don't want to. The reason it took me so long was due to other's feelings. I'm a "nice girl". Nice girls do not wish to let anyone down or hurt anyone, even if it means doing things they don't care to do. That's real sweet and all, but I was ready to kick the shit out of the "nice girl" in me. I was sick of her. The key is to find the middle ground. I didn't want to kick the nice girl’s ass and then turn into a raging bitch. I'm nice, it's who I am.

This was a learning process. It is a lonely journey into who I was and who I would become. I wanted to be able to say no to things without following it up with apologies and explanations as to why I was saying no. It really isn't any one's business.

The process was much more than just learning to say no, it goes much deeper than that, and many more things have come to light through it. It was a process of knowing me well. Enjoying being alone, knowing when I felt like socializing and when I didn't feel like being with a group and being OK with that. It was also embracing and learning from the alone times that weren't so enjoyable.

The first few times you say no, people automatically think something is wrong with you. That you must not be feeling well or you must be going through something. I have learned that the more wonderful personal growth that you achieve, the more others around you tend to freak out. The changes in you are brilliant and they show, but people fear change and they fear to stand alone. Do not let these people stand in your way. That is part of it, don't worry about their feelings, and worry about yours! You feel fantastic, so keep it up! Let them talk, let them gossip about when they think is going on with you, just be happy your progress is showing. They just aren't at the right mind frame yet to grasp it, they just talk.

I have felt the feeling of being alone in many different forms. Whether it is initially a good feeling, or a bad one, it grows you. So no matter how devastating, unsure, or uncomfortable the alone made you feel, you bring something with you out of it.

My first memory of feeling alone was when my parents divorced. Sure it was a sad and confusing time in a 7 year old's life, but I hadn't felt alone until a fellow student had said "Your parents are getting a divorce! Oh my gosh!" They attitude these girls showed made me feel as if this was only happening to me. That I should feel ashamed. I felt dirty and awkward. No one else I knew had parents that were splitting up, let alone living with their father full time. I started to blink my eyes, really hard, often. It turned into a habit. A habit tangled in my nerves.

Just as I had started to feel better about the divorce, a daughter of a close family friend was over to play. I remember having a good time until in the middle of playing she asked me "So who do you like better now, your mom or your dad?" I was shocked by her question. I told her I loved both. She said "No, you need to pick one, which one is it?" I was horrified! Is this what I had to do being a child of divorce? I had to pick which parent I loved more? I couldn't bear to think about it, I didn't want to pick and I certainly didn't want to play with her anymore. I then started scrunching my nose up, often. It turned into a habit. A habit tangled in my nerves.

As most children do, I adjusted. By the time we moved to Stockton and I started the fourth grade, my blinking and scrunching were minimal. I don't really remember having that "new girl" feeling so it must have went well.

The summer before my senior year of high school we moved to Tracy. That was my next "alone time". Who has to move their senior year?! I was mad, and sad, and scared. I never really had trouble making friends, but I held onto the "I have friends, they are in Stockton" attitude, which stunted my friend making abilities a bit. There was always some guy who might offer me a ride home, or buy me a school burrito, but we all know why guys want to be friends with girls. You can imagine how much the girls liked me when they see the new girl getting rides home from the cute athletic boy. Eventually I adjusted, I made many friends and things were fine.

My next journey of alone was my first pregnancy. I was dating a guy for just a few months when I got pregnant. I was planning on breaking up with him. He was a nice guy, he was lovely to look at, but I just didn't think we were a fit. I stayed a little longer, again putting his feelings before mine. It only took about another month for me to see that I was going to leave for a reason. The right feelings were not there. He always treated me with respect and we had a good time together, it just wasn't long term. I wasn't scared of having a baby alone. I was 24, would be 25 when baby arrived. I had a decent job, I took care of myself and I felt liberated, I felt excited, I was full of positive energy and pregnancy hormones! My dad was a single father, he did it, and so could I.

This alone was different though. It was a positive alone. I enjoyed my pregnancy, I enjoyed that it was mine alone. I enjoyed that I could pick whatever name I wanted, and make decisions without including anyone else, I found joy in that. Sure, there were times I thought that it might be nice to share certain things with a significant other, but I had friends and family and I had myself. My best friend since middle school came to my appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time, which is a day I will never forget.

My dad drove me to the hospital, my sister was there to help with my delivery and my mom and dad both showed up just moments after Logan was born to see their grandson. That was a very proud alone. An alone that was surrounded by support and love.

Once Logan was here it was us. Logan and I. My sweet little boy and his momma. We were an "us" and it was beautiful. It felt natural and pure. I soaked up every ounce of it I could. He was mine, mine alone.

For the first two years I didn't date. I wasn't sure how that all was supposed to work, dating with a child. It seemed like that lines would be fine and I didn't want to mess it up. I have to say I wasn't completely alone. I had somewhat of a companion. My high school boyfriend. We spent time together, we would go out, we would watch movies, we would talk, we were physical and we were friends. I did not, however, have a committed boyfriend to REALLY be there for me. I was fine with that for a while, as I was fine being alone and felt it was healthy for me to just figure out the mom thing with nothing else to get in the way.

I met my husband when Logan was two years old. It's like we were both who we had each hoped to find one day. There we were. My dad loved Louie right away. We moved quickly and it felt fine, it was just okay, it was right. We moved in together, we fell in love. Then dad got sick. He got cancer.

I was scared to death. I was not alone, I had support. I had Louie, and I had Louie's family. I had my family, I even had my dad. I did not feel alone until the morning he died. As I stood there with his hand in mine, watching him take his last breath and tears ran down my face so quickly that they collided into one another, I felt alone. His body was there, but he wasn't. My sister was standing just next to me, but I felt alone. I felt orphaned. I felt so many things that I was lost in them. When you are lost, you are alone. I continued to feel alone for at least 2 years. I was unable to laugh, unable to showcase my impressive sense of humor; I was unable to find joy in much at all. I was too scared to feel anything but sadness. What would that mean? If I showed joy would it mean it didn't hurt anymore? Wouldn't that mean I didn't care? I was angry. Angry and heartbroken are a dark lonely place. Every holiday, a breakdown, every one of my kids’ birthday parties, just before guests arrive, a breakdown. How can I enjoy anything? I am busy, busy feeling cheated and used. This isn't even taking to account the alone feeling that came with family arguments over touchy matters after death and other relationships changing. Not knowing how to keep them alive or what to do with them. It was all bitter and lonely.

One of the loneliest days I remember was just about a week after I had given birth to my daughter. It was my first day at home alone, with baby and big brother. Logan had already put a movie on for himself and everything I needed for baby was within reach. From that morning, through the next few months, I woke up every morning, alone and crying. I would look at her, and cry. I would then cry harder about the gilt I felt that I crying about dad and not rejoicing over my baby girl. Don't get me wrong. I actually find a lot of joy during the middle of the night feedings. I would get excited that it was just her and I awake as I nursed her. It was our own alone time, together. It was the morning, that reminded me that life goes on and my dad was not a part of it, and he was just a few weeks shy of seeing my baby girls beautiful face. The mornings were too much. That was a scary alone. I didn't live somewhere like I do now where I am surrounded by support. I knew my in-laws in town and that is it. I was alone. I did feel a strong tie to Logan, as if he were the only one who knew what pain I was in, he was missing his Papa. I also was led to believe that it was inappropriate for me to possibly upset him by talking about it, so I let him bring it up and I tried never to let him see me cry. I would change that if I could do it over. I needed to cry so bad, and not just alone in the shower or in bed over my newborn. I needed to cry and I needed people to hold me.

My next alone feeling was only uncomfortable for a short time.  I took on a leadership position and quickly realized that leadership can be a lonely place.  To be a good leader, you need to stand alone.  You need to show your followers that they can trust  to follow you, that you are brave to stand alone and lead the way.  To be a good leader you must separate yourself from the group to avoid accusations of favoritism or cliquishness.  I was not always treated like a part of the group, I was treated like the leader.  You must take in all the issues and negativity and fix it without the whole group being aware that it is even going on.  You must know how to talk to people clearly and respectfully.  You must SHOW them how to spread compassion, not tell them. What started out as uncomfortable blossomed into great comfort.  It felt like my favorite pair of heels that were perfectly broken in.  I felt confident and secure in my decisions and in my leadership.  I took extra care to think of individuals as pieces to the whole.  It was a wonderful experience that I will always think fondly of.

My next alone was recent, and current. It is a fabulous alone. It is invigorating. The sun and moon feel brighter. I do what I want to do. I feel how I want to feel. I say what I need to say, and I cry if I need to cry, and people hold me. It is freeing and the feeling is addictive. Not everyone around me gets it, but they don't have to. It is for me, not them. This is a process and I've come a long way. There is a lot of road left to explore. I'm not changing, I'm simply growing. I don't let the silly little things interrupt my good vibes. I speak up about important things, and I ignore the unimportant things. I'm becoming a bit more disconnected, whether it is from Facebook, social groups, acquaintances, drama, and unnecessary "stuff". Simplicity is clean! I'm holding meaningful relationships dear to my heart and other relationships at a distance.

I'm gently putting my foot down to establish boundaries of all kinds. I'm still a nice girl; I'm just a nice girl who knows what she wants and will put her feelings before others.  It’s been the most rewarding form of self-respect.

 

2013

Ever since I can remember, I cherish every second of that first shower on New Years day.  It went hand in hand with the whole "new year", "fresh start", "clean slate" motif.  It was the first shower of the year, the first cleansing if you will.  I'd then get dressed in something I loved and was comfortable in, and try to have a good hair day.  This year it is past noon and I'm still in PJ's, but I do plan to enjoy that ever cleansing New Year shower at some point today.

I won't call them resolutions, but I will call them intentions I have going forward into a new year.  I tie them in to being a "SKITTLE".  If you don't know what I am referring to, you will soon enough because I plan to blog about that too!  It has to do with being in your 30's.  Well, it's a little more than that, changing that you embrace on your journey through 30-hood.  So stay tuned.

My New Year  intentions for 2013.

1.  I will continue to take more time for myself, whether it is my new found knitting hobby, a long bath in the evening, reading more, bliggity bliggity blogging, spending some time with my number one ladies, running an occasional errand without towing my children, and so on.  It's these simple moments when I am just Jenny.  Not the mom Jenny, or the wife Jenny, or the volunteer Jenny, just Jenny.  I missed her terribly over the past few years. Things were foggy and I couldn't see her very clearly. We are getting back in touch and I must say, she is pretty bad-ass ;-)

2.  I will not tolerate ugly behavior, or any behavior that is negative, selfish, or puts me in any sort of position that I am not comfortable with, does not have my or my family's best interest at hand, or hurts others.  People grow and mature at different rates, that is part of being human, but that doesn't mean I need to tolerate your ridiculousness. I'm stopping to smell the flowers, remember, not your bull.  So you do your silly things over yonder, and I'll do my real people stuff over my way.  I'll be meditating, learning more and more about myself.

3.  I will make more date nights happen.  It could be a night, a day, whatever.  I can probably count on 2 fingers how many times this occurred in the last year.  Court dates and funerals don't count, that seems to be the only time we get dressed up, get a sitter, and go out.  It's a shame.  It's important.  I'll let you in on a little secret.  What's almost as bad-ass as being just Jenny, is being Louie's girl.  That's all you get to know about that.

4.  I will make more time for my mother, cousins, and aunts.  They are the family I have left.  It's hard to get a free weekend with busy kids, birthday parties, sports, and laundry escapades, plus the gas money that is hard to come by sometimes, and life gets busy, but it is VERY important.  I need to remember that if I don't have the money, I do have an invite to throw out.  Come see us!  It's fun, its memories, and its precious time with my people.  The people that look like you in ways, talk like you, makes looks like you, roll their eyes as much as you, I like it.

5.  Of course there has to be something about health in here.  I need to workout more.  This has been somewhat new to me the last year, and when I do it I feel amazing. Nothing can imitate those endorphins flying around after working out.  I've started jogging this last year and need to do it more regularly.  When school gets back in the first week of January, no reason the dog, the Drew, and I can't take the jogger for a spin at least every other morning after drop off.  On the health note, I am going to be trying to prepare as much whole foods as possible.  I'm not saying we won't grab some fast food once in a while, but we already don't do that very often.  I am going to step it up a notch, buying more organic, getting rid of some foods that really aren't all that beneficial, and making more foods from scratch.  Goodbye preservatives and foods that pretend to healthy.  Hello backyard garden!  This also falls under #5, going to take a stab at growing some fruits and veggies! 

That's it, 5 things to work on.  Nothing outrageous, just simple stuff that brings joy.

It's a work in progress, no crazy stuff day one, just some good homemade cooking to start off the first day of the year, a jog with Dolly, and a soul-cleansing shower.

What are YOUR intentions this year???

Recipe Share - Potato-Leek Soup!

This morning I made my first batch of Potato-Leek Soup to have for lunch.  I've been making soup quite a bit since Fall came around, but this was first time using leeks. 

I thought I would share this recipe, as it was super simple and delicious.  I made made mine pretty thick, but you can always add more water/broth to make it more soupy.

What you'll need:

6-8 potatoes, scrubbed and sliced
3 leeks, washed well and diced small
1/2 yellow onion
butter (for saute)
1 14oz can of evaporated milk (or regular milk)
garlic (2-3 cloves)
black pepper
red pepper
dash of curry powder

Here we go:

Chop your 1/2 onion, garlic, and 3 leeks (only using the white and light green portion of your leeks).

Saute in a few tablespoons of butter until limp and translucent.

I like to keep most of the potato peel on for a more rustic taste and texture, only peeling off the boo-boo's.  Slice your potatoes and add them to your pot.

Broth is your choice, I would suggest chicken broth or vegetable broth.  It took me about 4 cups to just cover the potatoes, but add more if you like it thinner. You can always use water and a bullion of your choice. 

Bring to a boil on medium heat, let simmer for about 10-15 minutes (or until potatoes are soft.

Using a masher, mash the soup to thicken, leaving some chunks.  Bring back to a low boil.

Add your evaporated milk (or whole milk) and bring back to a soft boil, simmering for another 5 minutes.

This is where I add my seasonings.  You can use whatever is your favorite, but I used lots of black pepper, a little red pepper, a bit of curry powder, and tiny bit of salt.

Be sure to stir during the last 5 minutes so that the milk won't scorch on the bottom.

Dish up and enjoy!

P.S.  You can always swap out a few potatoes for sweet potatoes to sweeten it up and add some extra antioxidants!  Also consider adding in some kale, spinach, or cabbage for more nutrients.  For you meat lovers, bacon would be a yummy addition too!

Getting in the Spirit

Here it is almost Christmas again, and here I am not feeling much in the spirit.  I mean, I am excited for the kids, I am looking forward to Christmas Eve with my side of the family, and Christmas day with my husband's side, but I really want Christmas morning at our house to be something to look forward to.  We usually get up, open gifts, scarf down some food and we all need to be dressed and out the door to pick up my bonus kids and its off we go from there! So that is my plan this year, taking it slow and making Christmas morning our own special time.

I tend to feel a little down around the holidays and we usually don't have much money to put into it. I really don't care about the money and the gifts.  I'm feeling a much deeper appreciation this year for the little things.  As long as I can get some things for the kids, I'm good.

I am excited about a few last minute plans that I think will make the biggest impressions.  My kids will be spending some time with my mom and step dad tomorrow while my husband and I finish up shopping and having an anniversary dinner.  I'm bringing the dough ornaments the kids made so that they can decorate them with paint and glitter with the help of Grammy and Pappi.  Grammy's going to make sugar cookies and they will decorate those and I'm sure eat way more than enough.  THAT is what they will remember, not whatever toy they opened.  It will create excitement WITH memories, not just empty excitement.

I'm going to start making biscuits and gravy every Christmas morning (a favorite from my dad's side of the family) and have some time to just hang out in our jammies and enjoy each other as a family before our travels for the day.  We can create our own traditions as we go.  I want to have a fire in the fireplace, I want to watch my kids play with their new toys.  I want to relax and enjoy the moment.  I am not a fan of rushing around anymore.  I feel that is what I have done for years, I just want to slow down and smell the flowers (or maybe sip the hot chocolate).

I want the kids to grow up and have special traditions to remember or even carry on with their own families in later years.

Once I put some thought into this, I've felt a little more in the spirit of things.  I was really hoping for a tree this year and it didn't work out, I think that's what put a damper on my Christmas mood.  We didn't get to look through all the ornaments that hold their own meanings and make the tree all pretty, lighting it up every night. There's always next year for that, but I must say it bummed me out way more than I thought it would.

So here is looking forward to a relaxing, loving Christmas.

Liebster Award Nominee!

My blog was nominated by my wonderful new cousin Lili!  I need to answer her questions below, then I can  nominate 11 blogs as well, throwing them 11 questions to answer.

Check out her blog!  http://theverynewvegan.wordpress.com

My questions for my nominees:

1. What’s your favorite food?  Yikes!  I love food in general, but lately my favorite is homemade soups (mostly veggie) and roasted white sweet potatoes. I've recently fallen in love with quinoa.
2. What inspired you to start your blog?  I felt I needed an outlet. I have random things to write and share and had been encouraged by friends and family.
3. What’s on your Christmas list? I just want a new pair of slippers, the dog ate mine months ago.
4. What is the fear that stops or slows you down? Judgement
5. You just won an all expenses paid vacation anywhere in the USA, where are you going?  I want to see a pretty southern state...I'd head to NY
6. You just won an all expenses paid vacation anywhere in the world, where are you going? I'd have to see France.
7. What movie never fails to make you cry?  I seem to cry at everything these days.  I'd have to say Fried Green Tomatoes.
8. Have you ever considered going vegan? If you’re already vegan, tell us why. If you’re not, tell us why.  I have considered becoming vegatarian.  I don't eat much meat as it is and sometimes go without for periods of time when it tends to gross me out.  Vegan has crossed my mind. I sure would miss eggs and cheese.  I'm willing to look into it though.
9. Do you have any companion animals? Dolly, my red headed pit bull.  She is my sweet girl, my jogging partner, my body gaurd, my cuddle bug, and my love. She's a great dog, sweet demeanor, and is protective over the kids.  She is inside all day, hanging out on the couch, watching the kids play and following me around. 
10. Last really good laugh you had, what was so funny?  For some reason I can't remember, I remember it was recent, and between catching breaths I said "I think I just peed a little"....it was that funny, but its gone I guess.
11. Favorite soda?  I'm not a big fan of soda, but I would say a good cream soda.

Thanks Lili!

Just Jenny's questions to the next nominees:

1. What got you blogging?
2.  Tell us something about yourself that we probably don't know.
3.  What event in your life has changed you the most?
4.  What is your favorite meal?
5.  What position do you sleep in?
6.  What language are you interested in learning?
7.  If you were going to start a business, what would it be?
8.  If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?
9.  What was your favorite field trip as a kid?
10.  If you were going to change your name, what would you choose?
11.  Do you snore?